Happy (Hopeless) 2015!

Another update to a deliberate abandoned blog.
I haven’t changed. I remain a hopeless autistic first, hopeless romantic second.
I don’t have much goals for 2015 other than to be in a day program with lower functioning people and be in a work program, enough to please the local DHHS. My mother will continue to suffocate with her excessive love to me where I can’t do anything to my heart’s content, other than being probed and questioned and then have my dreams become “death by a thousand cuts.”
I will, however meet with various doctors to get ether a re diagnosis and/or therapy which I hope they will cite my quirks as my mother is allegedly autistic and maybe they will rip her to shreds.
I have no expectations, other than to feel hopeless, being bitter not by choice but emotion of last resort.
I expect to cry more and more as I reach closer to 30 by a couple of years and to realize I have nothing going forward. I think I may actually become a real life Steve Carrell portrayal of the 40 Year Old Virgin, only 12 years away.
I might write a book. I got the content ready to go. I feel that the broken self I am was damaged by a broken society of people who are so careless and so selfish that their narcissism has broken my view on life.
I don’t invest of my work anymore. I know there isn’t a girl out there for me (because of the lack of parenting, the lack of accountability, etc.) and I know many of my “followers” really don’t care because they never contacted me and replied to this publication.
I’ll close it this way, if relationships were transparent, if there wasn’t autism and if there wasn’t so many pompous ass jerks perverting the perspective of relationships, I wouldn’t be a writer. I’d be a happy guy with a lucky girl and we would rule our own little worlds. But that’s not reality. The reality is what I wrote here a couple years ago, and it hasn’t changed not one bit.
Stay Hopeless and Always Settle for Less.
Steven, the humble publisher.

Special Report: Depression & Autism

specialreporthx
The death last Monday of the famous actor/comedian, Robin Williams has opened yet another opportunity to discuss depression.
Robin Williams had died from an apparent suicide last Monday morning (PT) at his Bay Area, CA home. He was 63. He was dealing with financial problems, and also was dealing with his cancelation of his TV show, The Crazy Ones, likely due to low overnight ratings. Other reports claim he was dealing with an onset of Parkinson’s (unable to confirm that here.) He was in many films from Jumanji (which apparently according to the Union Leader, was filmed in Southwest NH), Mrs. Doubtfire, Bicentennial Man, voiced over the Genie in Disney’s Aladdin , and many more movies and will appear in 6 more films ready to be released in the coming year. Older readers may recall him in the 70s TV series Mork & Mindy, which was the catalyst to his career.
Williams had said in the past he was dealing with depression and went into rehab 8 years ago. He dealt with drugs and alcohol. A month ago, it was confirmed he was going back into rehab, citing “tuning up” his sobriety. In any case it was likely too late, as something caused him to kill himself last week.
It would not be appropriate to discuss – or speculate why he did it nor mentioning if he was a coward or not to do that. I’d like to turn the focus on to the topical status of depression.
Whether or not depression is part of autism, or autism causes depression, or it’s a similar but different, or it’s caused genetically (like from your crazy uncle – literally) or not, the fact is depression and autism  can go in tandem. There is no doubt about that, despite how many PhD hacks you talk to. Depression and ASD can be caused by various factors, becoming an adolescent, coming to a realization that you are “different” or just the poor execution of your support system’s ability to help you.
I know people who are in their late twenties in some level of depression. I myself have dealt with this on and off at least for the last 15 years. If you had followed this blog for the last few years, I’ve really held “the system” accountable for lot of the damages caused to me.
There is a taboo in the developmental disabled and the mental disorder community whether or not both practices should merge. Psychiatric, mental disorders and developmental disorders 3 different things traditionally. There are various methods in treating them, but they are all different. That doesn’t mean that they should come together or be recognized as dual issues. Because these disorders are so separate, the delivery system for services and support are separate. Whose to say someone with severe autism is also dealing with depression? Whose to say someone with Down’s could be bipolar? Also why are we so focused on the disorder and so worried about going to the right agency to get services or should I say the best services since in some areas, mental disorders and developmental disorders are handled by two different services?
Also its been a cliche all week long about how mental health services are not addressed properly. I’d go even further and say mental health services for people with autism are also limited too. In my area, there are a handful of psychologists that ether specialize in autism, or has a working knowledge of autism. (The other handful focuses on ADHD and Asperger’s Syndrome, which I’m leaving out because people with AS can choose to not be a odd, weird talking liberal moonbat, and act like everyone else. Sorry I don’t respect people with AS.)
Despite the contrary, New Hampshire in the downstate region is part of the Greater Boston metro region, and even in the most world class cities in the world, this area and probably even the Mass. Merrimack Valley also lacks in mental health services for dual dx’d mental and developmentally ill clients.  I blame part of the Boston snobbery that insists civility doesn’t exist north and west of I-495.
In closing, there needs to be a national discussion with trying to eliminate the stigma of depression; and another track to discuss why so many people with autism or other related disorders are falling into the cracks and why so many arrogant leaders are not realizing there is a depression problem with the autistic community. Especially in the twentysomething crowds, where many grew up in the dark ages of autism being a mysterious and unknown disorder and had parents not knowing where to go and school districts not putting focus on them. If we can’t take this opportunity to discuss this problem, there will be another tragedy that won’t get mentioned because they aren’t a celebrity.

Update: The Ongoing Transition to Limited Relationships

Hello,
As you probably know by now I no longer report on autism related issues from an autistic himself since September. I have been burnt out blogging to people who were taking advantage of my work and never contributed back. I was tired of Tweeting to people who were so smart but was so stupid to not learn how to interact with someone who doesn’t agree with them fully. That isn’t autism or Asperger’s, its just liberalism as a mental disorder. Anyways I was also burnt out trying to convince others that I could be like other people but some like this organization, and obviously this one where they have their minds narrowed to a certain demographic.
Well let me discuss what the last 3 years have lead me to (hopefully my autistic repetition/redundancy won’t be obvious.)
I moved near the end of 2010. I never moved more than 3 miles and in the same town in the first 23 years of my life. Where I live now is within 20 miles where I used to live. At the same time, I had finished school about 2 years prior and I was receiving services in a new agency, and went though heavy reflections.
Essentially my remaining soul, identity and social makeup ended.

  • My social circle was really limited and to the point I should describe it as fragile. I often felt jelious and envy because I didn’t have what they had and sadly I felt like I wasn’t “good enough” for them. Wether it was coincidence or not, my friends abandoned me when I moved, some were nearly half to a full hour away where I live now.
  • In January of 2011, I launched the online publication called  An Alleged Autistic,  because I had questioned whether or not I was seriously autistic, whether or not the autism rise was real and later questioned the autistic movement (later entitled The Forgotten Autistic after realizing an entire generation, the first generation of the autism boom was entirely forgotten.) The major Autism organizations are focusing on a second generation boom that impacts fewer people than others born around 1987 to 1993.
  • After realizing a bunch of referral traffic coming from search engines with phrases like “can autistic people fall in love”, “why don’t autistic people fall in love” was the catalyst to launch A Puzzling View on Relationships in the fall of 2012. While this blog is no longer in active production, the hundreds of posts for archival purposes are timeless.

Where am I since the last year? Have I changed since the last year? Well let’s put it this way. I feel like I am technically borderline autistic meaning that I can be functioning to a certain degree, but unable to do things or handle responsibilities than to other people of my age group. I have came to a realization that I have difficulties that is hard wired in my brain that would require the most smartasses in the room to reprogram me, which is beyond impossible in 2014.
Where I am on Relationships
In 2011 I went into the multi stages of grief of loosing some friends from high school. In 2001-2005, I went through a similar process – that case was the elementary school “friends.” I put it in quotes because they weren’t my friends likely, it was a one way relationship. 2011 and 2012 was denial stages. I had to go through the process where I had to sever ties ether on my end or witness it on the other end. It was devastating.
2013 was an undocumented implementing of hitting the proverbial reset button. A lot of the focus was to get a job or find a work program. By April of this year I have been working my ass off to find a work program, and get some skills ASAP.
2014 is also the year of implementing the idea that I will never ever kiss a girl, and I won’t be in any “relationship”.  What else am I supposed to say, bullshit my readers of “oh sure, there is a girl out there for you, someone in her twenties living in the Manchester or Nashua area that is so-tolerant of dating someone who is borderline autistic  – by the books of course!” Sadly the reality is there aren’t that many twentysomethings living in NH because they hate the ‘burbs and they love Boston and NYC 100x more. And if there are any, they are taken, because you know the good looking girls are taken, the sweetest girls in the world are taken and the narcissistic girls and not to beautiful ones are single. For good reasons too!
Now the next implementation phase is to figure out how to live with my mother and learn to deal with her and how to co-exist in the next 5 years. I have threatened to move out on many occasions in the last year. Sadly there aren’t that many psychologists or therapists in this area (given that I live in the Greater Boston area) and yet there aren’t that many that focuses on autism, never mind adults so I can get a fair level of advice and support, etc. I say this because only someone who is an alleged expert would be the one who can help me implement the present and future feeling of a hopeless romantic and be my mothers son to grave. My mother isn’t looking to getting a man because most men of her age are fathers or they are gay or something worse. Because of this I feel that the relationship wouldn’t be threatened – for me.
The Hopeless Romantic & Autistic
I’m still a hopeless autistic, first; hopeless romantic, second. Its a really mad, mad world and it has taken nearly 4 years to figure it out. I am a “slow” person, and I am embarrassed to admit it. I don’t see a bright future. There are evil people in politics and in the special needs worlds that has made my life similar to the old USSR or the firewall that broke Germany in 2. And sadly I can’t fight against the experts who have built the wall. I’d be punished for it. Also I don’t have the energy like I used to.
All I want is to have a 1 week grace where I could relax from all of my problems. There are more problems I have dealt with this past calendar year to date which I haven’t mentioned. I really wished I could have one full year grace from all the problems, but that’s asking for too much. I’d like to spend a week in Orlando, Florida and see what makes young people so happy at Disney World, Universal Studios or Legoland – because I was unable to experience my childhood for reasons I have mentioned.
Anyways, beginning on July 17th, the publication is still in archival status and the search engines will once again be able to be searchable.

Relationships w/ Redundancies & Independencies

Today’s post can easily be taken as a business, technological or investment advice, but actually – it has to do with relationships.
I come from a small, but pretty tight knit family. That on the piece of paper might sound sexy, but in the reality in the bigger picture, and as time goes on is actually bad.
My mother had me more than 2 decades ago and basically has said on a number of occasions that I was the “best thing that happened to” her. Ok that’s nice and flattering, but that same mentality that went into my childhood, into my teenage years and into my adulthood sorry looses its relevancy. Why? Because my mother has admitted recently that she overprotected me. Factor that, and knowing my father was absent in my life then my mother loosing her high school friend, I guess she started to build her life around me. Then basically my life was built around my mother.
Is there something wrong in that picture?
The answer is “yes.”
As you probably learned in school if you are around my age, you are not supposed to be overly reliant on anyone, or depend on someone to love you or to live them. You shouldn’t be spending your entire life around one person and revolve around you two ether.
What if something happened to your family member, or even your loved one? I knew a guy who worked in my school who actually lost his wife unexpectedly. They went to lunch and said goodbye and I love yous and then got a telephone call from a hospital that she died (something like a heart attack.) He actually got so depressed he actually went psycho. I don’t know what happened to him. My school I used to go to doesn’t employ any of the staff I was close with anymore. They are all elsewheres in life. Anyways He was kinda chickie like guy, depending on his wife to do everything.
Ok, enough with independency what about redundancy?
You should never have just a first tier of social circles. It’s just like baseball or football, you should have second or third stringers and make sure those stringers have enough experience on the field just in case the first tier fails.  Can I say Tom Brady? You’d know what I am talking about If you have watched a few New England Patriots games.
For example: instead not just having one friend, or one BFF; take into consideration to have maybe two or three.  The average in my household is actually 2 – too me that’s unhealthy, but it shouldn’t be like 500 ether. Maybe 6 would be the best. Redundancies come into play in case one of your friends gets too tied up with a girlfriend or a wife, someone getting knocked up and then has to put 100% attention to the kid till s/hes 18, or even a job can distract someone.  By spreading out the risk to other people who might not be in a similar situation is strongly recommended. This requires your social circle to be as diverse and fault tolerant as possible – which goes to your advantage.
Having multiple levels of relationships and levels of backup and social failovers are the best way you can live your life healthily. It’s the same of putting too many eggs in one basket, or a Swiss Army Friend, they can do a lot, but if that one fails, then you might fail as well.

The State of Affairs for Autism and Relationships

There is a bunch of problems going forward for the next five to ten years for autistics and the “leadership” thereof about relationships and building friends, etc., etc.

To go into further detail of that statement; we face problems such as trying to fit every possible individual into one unified group instead of unifying 1 and 88 people with autistic or pervasive developmental disorders; secondly the research and assessment (or diagnoses) often compares us to the normal functioning peer groups; which is also an unfair and inaccurate portrayal to the autistic community.

There are a bunch of people who go around the world to speak about autism, to lecture about the subject or even speak badly (even with it being unintentional.) This problem is also a multi pronged issue too. One is the lack of editorial judgement when delivering these messages to the public; secondly the medium is the message; especially in the world of the Web and social media; and how the people take these messages. I’ve said in the past that for a long time people in the Millenial generation (born from 1977 to 2001) were the most intolerant generation of people with developmental disabilities; however that number is slowly going down – but not a lot. The problem here, is those numbers are becoming tolerant because of a career path they have chosen, not really because they want to be tolerant from the heart.

And the last point is what becomes the most dangerous part for ANYONE with autism; the message, or the medium may mislead these future professionals of the special needs industry; there is still some mixed messages that all autistics are mute and dumb, and often they are lost little bastards; and often its boys; because its only boys who are bad; and its only boys who are into science and math; and again guys are socially retarded; and that all autistics shall not have a life like everyone else because of their alleged social dysfunction; and they really should be friends with their neurological peers; and shall not even have the chance of getting married and having offspring that might reproduce another autistic.

The entire boldface was the subliminal or innuendo messaging of what is taught in college, or in professional development (bitter people training.) There is a lot of psychobabble about “social pyramid”, “social capital”, “social this” or “social that”. And many of this BULLSHIT has anything to do with social skills!

So in closing, the state of affairs for autism and relationships are bleak and will have a dark future. Not because “progressives” want to make a movement for change and acceptance; its really for people who want to be career mothers or career slanderers to make blaintely false and misleading statements that all autistics are bad, all autistics should be sent to Laconia or a state that still has a state school for developmentally disabled people. And yet we have to settle with the fact of “they are being honest” and “they are telling the God honest truth” but yet if I make a “God honest truth” I’d be charged for hate speech even if there isn’t a  hate speech law in my state.
The only option is to settle with the “facts” with the hopes these people will die to hell sooner rather than later.

Another News Alert!

Remember Lauren and Derek’s storybook ending on Catfish a few weeks ago?
Well I have Breaking News to report:
Breaking News: Lauren & Dereks Online Relationship On Catfish - Is not a typical outcome for online relationships
 
To have such outcome so often is really a myth. Only 0.001% does such outcome like what we saw on that week’s episode of total honesty but some level of insecurity to actually occur.
Yes, we all like to have such stories, but in reality – it doesn’t exist. So we should really give up such hopes instead of screwing ourselves in the hopes we have a similar story like Lauren and Derek. I can personally attest to my unhealthy way of thinking about life.

Currently Reading, Part Two

A photo showing the book Fashion Design Workshop by Stephanie Corfee
I tried to take this picture without showing my cluttered digital studio workspace, but this book is really awesome.
I found this at my local AC Moore store the other day for less than $10 bucks. The book is called Fashion Design Workshop by Stephanie Corfee. The book shows how to draw different fashion styles predominately for girls and women.  For an equal opportunity, there was at least a page or so how to draw a guy.
The book is nice, and perfect for drawing that Ideal Girl features I do. There are about 125 pages of ideas, though one thing really got my attention. Every girl featured in the examples had one eye. Some like in the cover had hair covered and some (again one smaller one on the cover) clearly had an eye taken out. Not sure of this is the standard style that Corfee does, but it makes it look pretty peculiar if that.
In anyways, this book was fun to look at and it gives great examples on how to draw your ideal girl or your ideal fashion design.   I’d give this book 4 out of 5 stars.

News Alert!

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It really shouldn’t be a Breaking News story where the newsroom bell shouldn’t go off.  Your heart had already been broken when you were in school age, and even if there was an off limits romantic relations with your teacher, even when you are an old adult, special needs professionals of any age group, would rather work with your types “on the clock” and then not want to be in any relationship off the clock, hence the second tier in this mock lower third.

Relationship Status with Databases: It’s Complicated

There is more to relationships than just girls, friends, family etc.
It’s something called a Relational Database System or RDBS (or something like that.) Plain English: think of Oracle, Microsoft’s Access or Apple/FileMaker’s FileMaker Pro. In the basic sense almost all of our data we use (even how our WordPress blog stores our content) is in a form of a database.
Now if you have a skills of a database admin (DBA) than yeah for you! Its a nightmare for someone like me who has a hard time dealing with black and white – in this case databases. Often my types of people struggle with the “gray” manner.
Databases require a LOT OF black and white logic. Even in the days of the mouse drive Graphical User Interfaces or GUI, you’d think it be easier.
Well not so for me.
Relationships is a key to integrating other databases or other datapoints together. If I want to pool a general ledger database and tie my payables DB and my receivables to make that general ledger, it would require me to create a relationship and run those damned algorithms and other mathematical crapage to do just one task.
Its just crazy how RDBS is in almost everything we use and you don’t even realize. Back 10 or even 20 years ago it was in those logical setups like the billing, the customer service, etc. but now its used from executing those “lower thirds” on your newscast to most modern websites (and you wonder why your laptop suddenly became a fire hazard…)
It’s crazy. I have a hard time engaging a relationship with databases. It’s just too complicated.

Curently Reading

I found this book at my local Barnes & Noble in April and was trying to get the time to get the book without some form of a gatekeeper finding out that I got a book on sex and/or relationships. I got it at a discount because it was on clearance shelf outside the store (I actually wasted 40 minutes trying to find the book in the sex section, to then find the shelf side terminal to find books that said it was in the humor section; to then give up and go outside where I found it.) It was on a deep sale (and they had a ton at the checkout area at the time I first saw it in April.)  It appears to be a funny quirky in the definitions of sex and relationships and I’ll take the time to read it when I am watching Catfish in a few minutes.

I’d like to expand my library outside of the hundreds of technical, computer, telecom and business books and have a library of sex and relationships – by my bed’s headboard! Why not near a intimate location to place intimate subjects?