The Frustrations of Living with a Dysfunctional Mother

The fawns from 88 South Road in Londonderry seem to shriek through my ears. My mother’s ego has been baked in as her being the primary caretaker because I am not able to be my own autonomous self.

It’s getting really sad as I get older this old woman just continues to treat me like a perpetual child. From excessive dialog. Having to “just”-ify things, come right upstairs to the kitchen to “investigate” some sound, and this horrible arrogance of taking control of things just to have domination because she’s insecure in other parts of her life. I am not diagnosing her, but I also suspect she’s a Highly Sensitive Person, where there’s constant self-surveillance, which sucks the people around her, who she feels she needs to “protect”

Continue reading

“White Rural Rage” – An Antidote of “loosing” a Loved Family Member

The other night, I came down to the living room where my mother was watching reruns of a military law enforcement drama, where that plot was an illegal alien was likely going to be deported with his young daughter hugging him in tears. The episode aired in 2018 (the show was on it’s 14th or 16th season) around the time of “the caravan” drama. She thought it was 2020, but that was the year of COVID and there was lots of domestic issues if you remembered.

I feel like I am going to be “loosing” my mother at some point down the road from all this political manipulation and the rising levels of outrage, hate and resentment mixed with nihilism it’s almost as if she’s a lost cause and I may have to turn away from the very person who created me.

Continue reading

The Freckin Double Standards

If I hustle up the stairs, that startles the ol woman…

but she calls be down the stairs, either with an open door, or closed door an in urgent matter…because I didn’t answer my desk phone.

The level of dependency, the level of social norms, the level of lacking appropriate, gentle and not life or death urgency in the undertones.

The idea my mother can issue rules for the house but yet she never enforces it, the idea that I wished we can communicate more gently, with more consent and this 24×7 environment for 4 straight years…

I feel like a fucking bastard child. Sometimes I wished I didn’t exist so I am not worth anything anymore.

My Freckin’ Birthday

Tomorrow (or late tomorrow as I was born less than an hour before Friday the 13th, 37 years ago) will be my birthday. A few weeks ago, I was going to go low key because the last couple of years was extremely uncomfortable, and I just let it slide. My other took time off work, and I actually just kindly negotiated doing 1/2 day on Saturday and yesterday a full day today going to the mountains, as it was cold and snowy, the cold will stay up there tomorrow just without snow.

As you know, I’m a snow angel!

I know I am seen (sometimes in a creepy way from mama-bear types), I want to only be seen by pretty ladies, and be heard by virtually everyone else. That’s all I want at this point. I’ll be nice on my mother’s birthday, Mother’s Day or hell even Father’s Day and my Gram’s birthday even if she’s not with us physically. I don’t want to share the attention and sympathy anymore.  It’s my day dammit!

 

Continue reading

International Women’s Day (New Hampshire and the Hyper Individualized/Independent/Man Hating (RIGHT-WING) Feminists

Welcome to New Hampshire, a state where you’d think it being so extremists, you wouldn’t think that feminism is very popular around dark-red Republican women, and you wonder why they are so skittish? Why is there a fetishizing of victimization? Before I spoil you the details, the video part is here.

If you prefer to hear this in your car audio system, you can visit podcasts.clickfo.me

Life and it’s Challenges

I got sick again for the second time in just over a couple months. I got infected late last Friday, and I’m still really tired and stuffy.

As it approached the fifth month of my grandmother passing away, there’s been more uncertainty. My mother has not taken the loss well. Some of her behaviors noticed early on she has apparently reflected on. One of the reasons why she said to me in direct phrase “been a homebody” was she was afraid of something happening to her and I’d be fully alone. She also doesn’t feel mother’s presence. She’s even contemplated selling the house.

My mother still hasn’t reached out for support from the hospice care. I did find things that would’ve been useful for her, but this is the hyper-strong female choses, is stubborn to try to grieve a bit more better. Instead, she results in other acquaintances acting as their therapist while my mother tells the complete play by play story including the hospice’s front desk lady’s name in her stories.

Her work environment  is not that healthy either. A co worker whose got an annoying personality is becoming an injustice. My mother’s work ethic is her own curse. It’s hard for her to emotionally detach from. If the person has annoying personality, but is doing more worse stuff, annoying habits shouldn’t be the most outrage.

Later this month will mark the 6th month mark. I’m already preparing for the worse.

#

The Curses of the “Only Child Syndrome”

earlier this morning, I made my rounds to check in with my mother downstairs as she’s marking nearly 4 years of Working from Home. Checking in to verify if we were going to do the lunchtime errands.

Then she just stared at me with some strange sympathetic. or some long face.

I think I asked if she was OK and said she didn’t have breakfast yet.

(she never has good breakfast anyways.)

I told her as a matter-of-a-fact I was going back to my bedroom and start with my work.

Continue reading

Valentine’s Day

Today is Valentine’s Day. For more than a decade here… or other places, on or off here; Valentine’s Day is really depressing. I don’t like to be angry. I’m as angry as radical feminists and red-pill men that put all of us into a bind and into greater hopelessness of romance. I’ll singe out people like Liz Plank on the feminists and I’ll throw “Myron Gaines” the alleged gay soyboy host of Fresh & Fit, and maybe the tomboy, perhaps lesbo “Women Shouldn’t Vote” Pearl Davis. All these types of specimen are like a kamikaze, whose going to crash first and take everyone down to hell with them?

Continue reading

A Tale of an Autistic Condition, Death, Family and Perceived Co-Dependency

Recently, a family friend in the north end of town’s father passed away. the friend was once my mother’s co worker, and has a son with ASD, higher functioning, but unlike me, is less verbal. Pay attention to the phrase “higher” functioning. I’ve not seen the family in ages, dates back prior to the pandemic as well.

Continue reading