The Fall Mayhem (New Service Agreement)

That annual paperwork, contract, it may depend on locale, but in New Hampshire for 21+ folks, it’s called a Service Agreement (since autism isn’t just for lost-little-boys; this is not an IEP portal.)

My case management is better than what I had a few years ago. It’s not to say I need to be careful.

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Men Scare Me… Part Six

Jordan Peterson recently had a discussion on narcissism with Generation Z (also known as iGen), sometimes referred to the Millennial Generation as well. The episode interviews an expert on this generation and the narcissistic outcomes that social media brought…

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Almost 3 Years of Boundaries… Where have things gone?

In early 2020, I started to develop the skills naturally to combat against a state full of narcissistic types, that is New Hampshire. The people who are typical and Caucasian really do feel like they can “Live Free or Die” and if you’re atypical then it’s literally Live Free or End your Own Life (just don’t post this on Facebook because they can put you in Facebook-jail for implying self-harm – to you!)

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Where’s my mother?

If I had to point to a lineup to identify my mother, I wouldn’t be able to.

Nor can I identify her presently. I am not sure who my “real” mother is but I am lonely and confused, but such fuzzy memories of being a toddler has since vanished in reality.

The other day, my mother was supposed to go to work up in Manchester, but overslept (which was highly ironic because MNF ended early, for a Monday Night standard, 11:10 ET if you are keeping tabs.) So I was expecting to do some work in the basement to tidy up the place because I have too much crap and not enough time to do anything w/ them.

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The Traumatic Experience of a Clustereff Family (Enmeshment)

In 2019, I met some of my paternal family members, about a year after they found me on Facebook, two of the aunts. My father had never told the family about me, like my two half siblings of which he never spoke to them. May I say the sisters are closer to my age. As a result the oldest sister was under the impression that she was the oldest child and therefore gawd forbid your’s truly apparently knocked her off the pedestal in a March 2019 post of the reunion; but I had the class to use the hashtag #firstgrandchild because it was a) a fact and b) that sister is the first granddaughter, so WTF, right?

I realized that my paternal grandmother was this close to cheating death with a rare cancer. The family waited to an autistic blow up of yours truly (that if they would be open to say in the first place), that sign #1 was that they don’t see age in the grandchildren. The youngest grandchild is close to 16, while I’m the oldest (35.) The boundaries are, don’t tell the literal “children” about her condition, not even a yea or nay or any one liner at all. Maybe that’s a thing between us – the hierarchal children – and my paternal grandmother. This is the problem, selective boundaries to enhance control.

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Family Units Hurting Autistics… (The things HFAs Refuse to Discuss)

High Functioning Assholes that like to flag people that don’t agree to their personal prejudices as ableist will turn the other side to see what really goes on to the non verbal, consensual types that come off lower functioning.

Autism is such an identity to a family unit from a few that I know. It’s really tragic. I see one acquaintance on Facebook (whom I am not friends with on the platform) with their younger sibling on the spectrum by a couple of years.) The individual is 33, but seems to be that sibling taking control of their life. It’s almost as if the parents go, that individual will be the primary care taker. I repeat this a million times, why the hell do hierarchal children have to be the primary care taker of an autistic? Why are you keeping the scope so damn tight? WHY?

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Narcissistic People with ANY AGE and ANY TYPE are DANGEROUS!

UPDATED AUGUST 9th, 2022: To reflect an insert of a bulleted paragraph near the end of the post

Amongst the self-admired stereotypes, narcissism is a personality defect in the inability to self-reflect and go home and think about what they have done. Like how the teachers at Seacoast Learning Collaborative in Brentwood, New Hampshire would murder my soul on a daily basis, and go home and wash their hands like nothing ever happened; or when they would children, kiss their kids to sleep and not realize they were stone cold :  (because if they were a man, they’d be an asshole.)

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Video: Being Bissell’d

This is the first experience since my day program where I had witnessed fingerprints of narcissistic abuse in the communal side of the special needs system in my state. (Meaning they are not directly involved with “the system”. Regardless, it further validated that people with special needs are more likely exposed to toxic people and getting sucked as you’ll see in the video.

P.S. there was no pun intended for using “sucks” later on in the video. 🙂

Where the Hell am I on the Recovery Scale?

Let me begin with a few things that drives me nuts online on places like YouTube with regards to human interactions.

I do not hate women (but I barely trust men) This is a result of a couple videos where I’ve heard people say that people “hate women” or women “hating men”. I do not want to say that I have “hated women” to the point I have checked out. This happens on both genders and probably both sides of the poli spectrum. I don’t like women who have a lot of power who are not accountable, and men who are so cocky in their egos, that it scares me. I am in an utter distrust with women, and I strongly dislike men as narcissism and masculinity often gets meshed together.

I never expected someone to “rescue” me – I have not expected someone to “save me” or “come and fix my broken self”. Let me go to that “broken” state, it maybe a phrase I use often to describe myself and even if the phrase was never said explicitly, it was very implicit. The underlying problem is to treat the person with an ASD type of condition to be extremely typical, and statically treat them typically even in a meltdown, if you failed in the meltdown episode, then you are deemed to not be good enough (I am saying that phrase loosely, very loosely. So I was “broken” by proxy, by the enablers that disabled me (ex teachers/paras case managers, DSPs, other managers and those case managers in adult ages.) When you are delegitimized in a small group, and if you can’t fit into a small community, let alone a larger community.

Yet our media, our institutions or worse the community are saying nothing about ASD, and even if they, it’s just passive. The lifestyle is horrible, even for a higher functioning.

The only way to reverse the damage, is NOT self-love, I do not believe that at all. The only way to treat the hopelessness is someone with a big heart that with expectations yours truly would return the favor. I don’t know why I have not found that person yet. CPTSD or not, or trauma wounds or not. I felt my depression and sadness was state not just trait, but that if the state anx/depression went down, then things would’ve turned around for the better, but yet again fucking COVID19 just had to make my life a living hell.

If you can’t even cultivate your own community, hell if I can’t even find self employment because my social network is so brittle, and any attempts to go back to the job market, and hell if I can’t even feel confident to go into college, how can everyone with autism say it’s a blessing and an entirely a gift, that even a higher function guy can’t even function?

I don’t think even for a higher functioning autistic, there is no way to recover.

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How to Escape from a State of Narcissism

What to do if you live in a state of narcissism? Not moment of a level of it, but one of the fifty U.S. States? I suspect there is over a million people in New Hampshire that have minor or significant fingerprints of NPD. Despite what you hear from Free Staters, this state is not “free” for all. “Freedom” apparently these days lack responsibility and accountability… this wasn’t always the case back 30 something years ago in this state. We have a government, we have other institutions, and they are so authoritative, that it defeats the purpose of freedom or even conservatism. Often these people are unelected, or shouldn’t be. The Town Council where I live is so damn authoritative, they think they are Congress or something like that.

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