March 12th, 2022 – the Big 3-5, and perhaps some hope!

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On my birthday last Saturday, I had entered into the midst of my thirties more lonely, isolated, feeling used and broken, and less confused. The day before, I realized “I can do this, I can turn around my life, it’s not like I figured it out after 50, 60 or even 75.” Perhaps another five long years, and maybe my life will be back to before my life ended at 13.

The highlight of the day was actually something I’ve kept to myself till today. I figured out what makes me attracted to certain females – the bubbly woman type. We went to Middlesex County and had my birthday lunch at The Cheesecake Factory at the Burlington Mall, after that, we went around the mall. In between the two, I noticed a younger lady was working at one of the anchor store’s entry from the mall side. She seemed to be playful, mindful, etc. Recently I had been more open to discussing particular female types, but bubbly-woman type had a lot more than just being outgoing.

In the notes in my journal, I described the following:

  • very outgoing
  • average IQ
  • average or near average EQ (if compared to an abusive well-educated man)
  • seeks non threatening people
  • very forgiving
  • soft spoken (it’s not just high pitch, but melody of the pace of words spoken, the pitch of certain words, and the delivery of it. For me what triggers attraction is the pace and pitch that matches the delivery of her speech. In fact, for my ears, I tend to seek soft spoken people in the first place.)
  • has the biggest heart
  • openness to others, but could be closed to certain types of people.

Prior to, I didn’t realize that very forgiving, and openness to others would hand-in-hand with a Bubbly Woman type, but I would easily add those two. A strong bubbly female loves to be in the presence of non threatening people. Given that I am non-threatening (as a perception by others) 95% of the time, it’s much safer to be around a bubbly female type because there is a mutual type of security between the two humans.

You see these sweethearts in many places, from the keyholder at the local Claire’s, to places like a make up demo artist. What’s also interesting is gothic girls, or ladies who are in alternative fashion can be just as feminine and sweet as a regular fashioned one.

The question is, now I am able to identify them, how do I put this into a dating profile, or meet up with one?

Did my Schoolage Classmates Neglect Me? Hell yes!

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I grew up in Londonderry, New Hampshire, one of the largest populated towns in the state of New Hampshire. The population at the time I left was 22,000, but registered voters was really around 12,000, which means there was nearly 10,000 children (because that’s a good barometer to get a real feel of whose the grownups in town.) Many of my peers registered to vote, but never voted in town in Londonderry, when they became adults.

This predates to when you could see the voter rolls, because it was pursuant to RSA 91a, but you know the women’s interest groups (err Domestic Violence organizations) fought their way to make it private because men apparently use it to stalk women, or some batshit crazy defense. (Let me be clear, the women’s groups in New Hampshire is much different in other states, because women have rights without responsibilities that come with the freedom to be an adult female.) As a result, more corruption at the individual level was protected. Jesus, I miss the analog days…

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The Lifelong Struggles of Happiness

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I want to be clear, happiness isn’t the only solution for life, it’s retaining it and keeping it authentic for longer periods of time.

I will say, that I never felt an authentic level of state-level happiness for a very long time. Meaning that my extreme ends have been, happy, mildly depressed, depressed, angry, and overall sadness. The depression has been the baseline, or always been the baseline. So when I say I want to be happy, it’s not to be statically all glory.

As I have been in therapy for almost every Wednesday since the middle of 2016, the struggles of life, that’s out of my control (of which I am well aware of), and trying to control how I respond to really tough situations. I’m always being thrown into a fire pit and try to get out of these things without harm.

I’ve allowed people to control me for too long, to the point I’ve lost control of the ability take back local-control, or self control the autonomy of my own emotions and realities.

Happiness isn’t about all smiles, it’s about an environment that is warm and welcoming, and most importantly “safe” from excessive teasing, questioning, or gaslighting one’s vision of reality. I also want to have the control of my own destiny because I am aware I have that potential, but it’s backlogged by the politics of everything.

There have been several approaches that has not worked, but the only way to happiness is to get all motherly-types off my back, and the only way to learn how not to do things, is actually by doing it and having to cope with all the emotions.

Again, this is all political at this point, and the people who have power have swaying power, it may get ugly before it gets better.

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Outspoken Autistic: How Will Your People Handle You on Your Worst Day?

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The worst days in my life was when I was in 6th grade. The six years of elementary school for it to all go to hell in a matter of weeks. I had constant meltdowns, I was physically aggressive, and screamed, yelled, and cried often.

As I got much older, much of the other elements of the aggressions changed, and was more subtle, or more controllable. Unlike the days of 6th grade, the rough days were sporadic and less consistent.

In the last 10 years, I have been one of those guys who jumped from one program to another because of mutual conflict. But some of this resulted in one of those Worst Days ever, according to them. As a result of not forgiving the individual, they shut them out.

In the case of my last day program, I flipped out on a summer day in 2019, the one on one DSP basically gave up on me within a few months. Obviously I can’t control how she felt, but at the same time, she lacked the ability to forgive me for any of my mistakes during some of those heated moments. And it wasn’t all my fault (I mean I don’t wake up and choose to be stubborn and lack empathy because the DSM-says-so.)

What happens if I get permanent work? What happens if I have an S.O.? What happens with both see a “worst day” and give up on me? How can I accept they give up on me if they don’t have perspective? Are you telling me that I am supposed to accept that and then take more flack instead of slack?

What do you do when you have the worst day ever? Why do you get the slack, when I get the flack?

 

Lacking Self-Forgiveness

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Living with a DevDisability is a really painful situation, even if you’re the higher functioning type. You get lumped into the low functioning stereotypes. My group and myself were not taught to love our quirks, we were ordered to look in the mirror and creep the ever living eff out of ourselves.

When someone in the PDD spectrum says “I’m sorry” or tears up on an effup, this isn’t by accident, it’s really by design.

“The system”, the so called collective clusterfuck of Special Education, and adult day programs and support staff are taught by a collective group think, the individual’s support must be on the negative, and not supporting the positive, because for centuries the negativity must always be addressed and be very pervasive.

‘typical professionals are rewarded for enhancing negative stereotypes, calling out the stereotypical behavior and a feedback loop of insecurities.

Because it was so burned-in that I had to catalog all my deficits, that I thought perhaps starting anew with familiar faces would be the trick, or slightly talk to the estranged family part of what I had to go through. Regardless, by late 2019, neither trick worked. Given COVID killing 2020, and the hangover of this year, I start 2022 trying to figure out another challenge of the past, how to forgive my deficits that was so exploited for more than twenty years of my life.

Personalities such as narcissistic behaviors is a major factor in how my group is treated, that will be a future discussion point.

Millennials (the enemy), Autistics (the victim) and the Future

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As I look 5 years down the road, I really am concerned for my own sake and sanity. The 1 and 50 cases of autism is either over reported or just simply illogical, because even in the 2000s, where there was 1 and 150 cases, people I had gone to grade school with, should’ve had been exposed one or more at least in their own family.

In reality, the town I once grew up are so ignorant. Studies over the last decade show the folks born between 1982 to 1995 that vaccines causes autism, but the studies never showed if they knew anyone who had it.

I’d go so far to say these fucking dead fetuses probably think autism is a disease that can be transmitted through bitting someone else or hitting them.

Sadly, there is no voice right now to focus on average verbal/non verbal/but not super high functioning, and not so morbidly disabled. As I said before, ones in diapers and ones who run away and the alleged geniuses who think ASD is a gift is far between. You put the two together, you probably get 35% of the overall autistic population.

This future is very bleak because if so few do not understand and are quick to write people like me off, this is avalanche that will just snowball and take the average population down with self esteem and extreme depression.

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Is “Real America” Just Adding Kerosene to the Fire of Divide of America?

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What is “Real America”? Is the so-called “coastal elites” considered to be  Non America? Fake-America? What? Why do pols not have filters and assistants to check on if they are coherent before they Tweet?

It sure seems like Ohio is a dumb state of dumb people who are too simple to understand moderately complex things like COVID19…