Last Updated spring of 2013

“RELEVENT” HISTORY
I am 26 years old. I have a form of a pervasive developmental disorder also known as a form of the autism spectrum disorder. So being 26 (I may come off as a younger person and maybe fall as a minor with my looks and childlike voice) but I am feeling like I am getting old. I feel sometimes like a teenager with some rebelious attitudes. With my autism, I have had struggled with socializing when I was very young. I started to build some social skills at the second year of my fifth grade school year. Why was there a second? Because I had anxiety moving over to my local middle school, and to elievate the anxiety, the Individualized Educational Program or IEP team decided I should stay back so the transition to the local middle school would be easier.
Well it all went down to hell within two months when I approached the 6th grade, and I was placed out of district as per to my mothers demands having to go through that pain. At the same time, I noticed that the girl I had the hots for in the second year of fifth grade had treated me like crap by the end of that summer, hurtful to say the least. Meanwhile a new crush started to form with an alleged hot-ticket-Itailian type would get away of verbally atacking me and just being very mean as those two months fell apart* Why would such lovely looking person be such a bitch? Granted she was 13 afterall.
* I admit I was no angel, I remember attacking this girl of interest, but the girl just put a huge scar and those wounds haven’t (or may never) be fully healed
While in high school, I went to school in Massachusetts. (An area that is one of the most liberal states on the East Coast. Liberal in the sense that they care for the cause of special education, but the leadership treats them like garbage.) My teacher was 25 when I came to her program, so this was 10 years ago – same age as I am today, so she had a 6 or 7 year spread from her graduating her high school and prior to being hired at my school. If you want credit for this blog, she was part creator, since she effectively gave me lots of mixed message on romance and friends. Meanwhile, by Mass law, she was required to teach sex ed (or at least was supposed to ensure we got it in some way or another) but she opted instead on preaching psuedo science lessons like “relationships” and “healthy” vs. “unhealthy relationships” and more and more  lala land B.S. about love and romance. I actually fell for much of her advice about relationships, because at the time I respected her as a professional, but actually this came from someone still with a high school mind and instead of a wise and mature professional.
PEER PRESSURE  – EVEN TO THE SOCIALLY INGORANT
Even with my developmental disability, I still feel like I want to be like “everyone else” – even if it comes with responsibility.  I have been ether screwed by my ex friends or had to isolate myself to feel “safer” from being hurt because a) I didn’t go to a normal high school. I also didn’t retain the friends from elementary school, b) I didn’t build newer friends and didn’t go to college. c) I didn’t have a job since my 21st birthday so I haven’t been able to build from there  and d) I don’t have a significant other. There are many people around my age that meet this special social status. (This also seems to be typical for the Millennial generation, where they still retain “friendships” well into their late 20s)  Hell lets just say it ‘s an adult “clique”!
The d) bullet would hurt the most, because 97% of my social circle has or have an S.O. So it would not be appropriate to be the lone single person in a group where my “normal” peers have such social circles and relationship statuses. This is reason why I have opted to just go in the “safe” side
Also going out in places hurts me. Anywhere like the local outdoor mall, or the downtown district in the city nearby me, at the state beach, or even a random place like New York; where I see young peers with a couple like demeanor and the public displays of affection, with the hugs, hand holding, and the flirting as the inner esquire of me would constitute as “sexual harassment.” I am implying this as love, because I actually don’t know what love really means, as I lead into into the next paragraph:
“LOVE” IS FOR THE SOCIALLY PRIVILEGED
I understand as much as I am different and it may be good to celebrate my differences, however its very hard to find people like me. I can be very mature on different interests. Most 20somethings would rather play Halo than to build an Active Directory. Most “kids” would rather mess around with an iDevice rather than using an Apple with a fancy UNIX operating system. While most dumbasses would want to send texts (which has less personable communication than to email which in some ways replaced the handwritten leter) where its so easy to delete a message and is harder to retain compared to email. While most drama queens like their “friends” to be in the know on their Facebook profies, some would like a tiny amount of a little off line, real world communication. I’m not asking for too much.
Though it be kinda awesome for pretty girl to look up or lets say just north of 30 seconds and acknowledge that a guy might be flirting with them by saying she’s got a sexy skirt, even if the guy can’t fully say it. So there is a syhtentic autism that is growing to the “normal” population, which is devastating to the legitmate autistic population. Its like the movie WALL-E happening in the real world less than 5 years after the release with the storyline of how people got so stuck on those iPad like devices with a Skype app running and they didn’t realize they were in space for a thousand years. Unfortunately its becoming real.
Back on the flirting, thats a whole other issue. Many people with PDD have experienced some degrading lessons on socializing with other people, in the sexual sense. Now in the PDD or the autism spectrum, you can have “normal” looking people, some people who have  indecent hygiene, some that talk oddly, and lastly, some “creepy” looking people too.
A typical practice done in the special education programs, due to limited resources, the teachers had to paint them with a broad brush that you had to stay restrained and essentially put everyone on the lowest common “social” dominator, as as a “creep”*. Of course it was a subliminal message, you see. The liberalism/feminist movement had really made issues a lot worse than actually fixing issues such as hostility at the workplace. Thanks to the “sexual harrassment” laws, the special ed schools had to teach them because of course, the creepy boys would be the first target, because you know, its all about the statistics you see. After hearing that phrase over and over, it got drilled into my  own BootROM. So since about 6 years ago, after one of my first sex ed lessons, my BootROM has essentially been hardwired to stay away from being around girls or women, to avoid excessive (or any) flirting, and avoid using phrases such as “sexy”, “horny”, “hot”,  because it can offend women or even older men.
*Up until 2008 or so, and maybe to this day to poorer communities, most American school systems had limited funds to spend for effective special education, and the “individual” education for the special needs were just an ideal state. Many had to fit in a “cookie cuttered” program, and the truth is that many individuals were actually, unique by the books. Part of this had to do with the ASD bubble starting with individuals born in 1987 to 1998 and the improper forward thinking plan on budgeting such programs in the future.
SEX – YOU DON’T THINK AUTISTICS AREN’T SLUTTY IN THE HEAD?
My thoughts on people and sexual types of questions keep popping in my head for my own safety and health (and just for plain ol curiosity). Like Whose those people that girl is with?  Then I ask myself Is that chick with that guy her bf? She appears that she “does it” a lot, when did she stop being a virgin? Did she start puberty early? because she look too mature for a 24 year old. They say that people who start puberty early get breast cancer -and I don’t wanna deal with that. How many times did she get screwed during her time at college majoring in partying, like how many occurrences did someone get into her panties?  Does she even know? Does that girl have an STD? Should I even touch her? And what in the hell does it mean when you are “In a Relationship”? Does it mean you are a boyfriend or girlfriend? What constitutes a bf/gf? How serious is it? Are you fucking one another every night? Are you doing it with or without protection? How often? Does the girl take the pill to prevent any pre martial knock ups?
Then I think about her physical prefs. I ask myself: Is she dressing to just show off? Why is she covering her lower back if she knows if it exposes her area or her thong or tramp stamp? Why does she just tighten her belt to make her feel more comfortable? Why you are so offended at the people looking at your clevage. Its not my fault someone upstairs gave you a gift to be at least a hottie, especially when you are wearing a racerback push up! Why do girls tease?
Why is it that I am told to be careful to look at girls in case I offend them when they are doing it to themselves? Why do girls get so damn offended on Facebook or MySpace type of websites of “creeps” “stalking” their profiles when they just pin themselves up for the same type of attention!
So I have some odd turn ons or fetishes – again “odd” compared to the “normal” people. But flirting does entail complementing someones physical looks (even if it comes off as sexual.) So I been so shy (thanks to the liberal establishment) to hit on a girl to say she’s got a hot belly piercing, not only could get worse if a guy is nearby protecting his friend or girlfriend. I’ve had thoughts of asking (again: asking) to kiss her belly if I found it to be sexy. I like some girls who wear short shorts or skirts showing off her sexual attractiveness. I can’t even say shes “got hot legs” or “I like that sexy skirt.” Or what if shes wearing a nice belt, depending on the type. I feel awkward to say I love that sexy belt, or how snug it looks or how comfortable it feels, etc. Or if a girl is wearing a nice push up bra and her bust is nicely lifted (read: I love your sexy cleavage – or your are making me stiffy with those babies!) Since those tight fitting chokers are not in fashion, sometimes those can be a turn on and I can only say I like your necklace because you must be sending such a kinky statement! That’s only if I see 1 and 100 hottie. I could go further with such sexual thoughts as flirts, but probably they are bedroom material. But of course, that will not happen, because who would want to date an autistic or even fuck with them?
While I am on the sexual note, I feel if I get older and are a heluvla lot less people my own age* that are single, I fear that my dream girl (that isn’t really that far off from reality) won’t be around. Again, I want substance (maybe not in the department of managing office phone systems, or understanding state and local government – again because they aren’t that many hotties that are smarties) but I also want a strong sense of style. I like the ladies in the Hollister outfits, the American Eagle tiny shorts or the skimpy tank tops from Aeropostale, or some evening dress or dresses from the juniors department at the local anchor mall store – or last but not least a girl wearing cutesy PINK outfits from the collection at Victoria’s Secret. That’s a boy’s dream to have a girl wearing such latter outfit I do like all types, some curvy, slender, but not boney skinny and not any kind of athletic build, as some are boney in some senses too. Girls are not supposed to show bones, in my opinion. And girls** start to peak of their sexual attractiveness at their mid 20s. So their bodies start to change after then. (I hate to be so shallow, but I feel if I can’t have any form of a emotional or a barely physical relationship in the coming years – I’m screwed.) I’d love to hug, kiss touch a part of her leg and get all frisky and stuff. I’d love to be touchy and feeley (but not in public, not only it being potentially harassing, but coming from my own experiences.)
* It has been preached on many occasions that we should stick to people around our own age (remember the “2 year rule” as a 14 year old? Need I say more?)
** no intention of degradation of such class of gender is intended.
FRIENDS (“They won’ t be there for you”*)
*in reference to the TV series.
As I mentioned earlier, about my “friends” and how they had made me a massive fail. Friends is a vague definition, and it is open for translation. Temple Grandin (the know it all on autism, since she herself is a proud autistic) defines a “true friend” as “…true friendships are built on shared interests, or shared ideas, or shared principals, that you both hold meaningful; there’s always some common thread that binds you together.” Well the hard problem is there is no concrete definition and I can say that the “normal” groups are likely the ones that are abusing the definition.
When I moved to another town a couple years ago, whether or not it was by coincidence, my “friends” were starting to drift away. I admit that I was at time a nasty individual, but I also felt felt forgotten. I was still reeling over the mess from the previous decade and the post 21 debacle (thanks in part to inferior over regulations on the state and local level prohibiting the school support staff to be humans instead to be bureaucrats above the law) but even that, they should had understand. About 2007 and onwards, people had no idea on how the depth of a potential Doomsday would happen on ones 21st birthday, other than they are legal to get drunk if they so choose to.
I will use an example, a friend that’s now an ex who allegedly has Asperger Syndrome, graduated at his original class back 7 years ago. He’s a bit over confident, admitting he wants to have a triple digit IQ. He has since gone to a local community college, and is getting transferred to the state university. In the summer of 2010, he started to make references of a “girlfriend” which got more and more serious. Recently they had their “2 year anniversary”, something that should be inappropriate for a boy/girlfriend “relationship.” This girl does exist, and she lives in the area, and it wasn’t any of his old alleged “girlfriends’ he had chatted on whatever IM client he was using. So this really was boggling my mind and to this day I still can’t fathom.
In another example, another friend of mine (who happened to be that high school teacher) that we started to become “friends” after her dismissal of the school program she is an extreme liberal. I refer to her ideology because as of 2010, she still subscribed to the idea known as pretend science of psych-o-logy. She had treated me as a mute and dumb person as per to the actual DSM definition of PDD, Autism or whatever current definition mute and dumb is. That meant that she felt my future was just to work, and no girlfriends, no decent social circle, none of that. Most severely autistic people have had a shallow future, thanks to the ignorant elite running the show for Autism and PDD.
What stroke my nerve (as I have kinda let that pain go) when I moved to my new town she said on the way back to my old home from a lunch (which was our only get togethers out, must had something to do with I wasn’t good enough for her in my perception) “Now that you don’t live in [XXXX ] anymore… now I won’t see you much anymore”
Wow, what a promising statement coming from a whiny Valley Girl type!  What a perfect excuse to finally blow me off! Yes, she acts like a privileged rotten brat from the Boston suburbs! By this time my original Facebook account created in March of 2007 was already purged. By that fall she wouldn’t return constant phone calls and after number of failed phone tags, I started to give up. By that January, I wrote an email entitled in the Subject line “Termination of ‘Friendship’” she would reply back that her father was getting sick and she couldn’t get in touch with me. Well her alibi was allegedly false, meanwhile at that time, she had her public website, mentioning that she opened an art studio for special needs and was in local hyper media outlets during this alleged claim.
So my “friends” prior to the end of 2010 – were not meant to be for today. If figuratively my house was burning, they wouldn’t come for help. They had such attitude of arrogantly being independent, therefore in that example I’d be dead. Friends are supposed to be there when you need them the most. And these people had excuses upon excuses, upon excuses. And maybe I lived too far, but that shouldn’t had been an excuse. So the theme song on the TV series Friends would not ring true for my cases of such social courtships
To sum it up: I came to a damning conclusion that I might not have a hopeful social future in 2010, 2011 came to the realization and in 2012 the acceptance phase that I need to kiss having “normal” people with “normal” interests, having a healthy balance of work, family and friends, and most importantly a “girlfriend”.
Therefore by the beginning of 2013, I gave up on any hopes for any friends or anything beyond family and suffering feeling lonely and trying to fend for myself. I realize people aren’t as open minded as they claim they can be and I just am at the point where I am going to just get a “job” and have love for the “things” that I like the “stuff” I like to do with “them”. I feel love and romance is a bad thing and hate is the new love and unforgiving is the new accountability standards.
*