Concurrently Grieving With a Maladaptive Mother…

My mother has not handled Gram’s death with grace all the time, but what can you expect? Sure it’s going to be a roller coaster, but sadly my mother’s pre-existing, but undiagnosed style of behavior is becoming really apparent in the months that has followed.

The Appearance of a Potentially Deadly Outburst

My mother comes off as short-circuiting, will  become extremely emotionally, on the fly basically and earlier this week, I was scared for my life, afraid of becoming a Thanksgiving accident statistic as she was on a road rage of someone allegedly cutting her off, when she was in a mood of a rage of what happened in late summer to her mother. She was stubbornly believing she as in the right as she had the right of way; what really scared me was when she was tailgating, and wasn’t mitigating any potential rear-end collision – no she was so enraged that the other driver didn’t respect her right of way (even when she was in her tunnelvision)

She goes on the highway and literally follows the car, she ordered me to take down the license plate number, and when she decided the car was going towards Nashua, she took the exit past home and tried to instigate reax from the driver as she was staring at them, as if they did something so wrong.

This is the things that no mental health professional in the State of New Hampshire would never say. The level of pro-maternal bias in our media, in our state government, to the sub-agencies of our institutions shows the level of hypocrisy of being so-called “objective” while showing a level of “kompromise” as if part of our institutions is like a true communist state. Meaning they’ll not hold sometimes an emotionally unstable mother accountable for her mental fragility, because the mother had me young, and sacrificed partying and she didn’t kill me to enjoy her normal life.

So because she never killed me or dumped me the way my father did, is the entry level of unconditional respect?

Hell if I had a NH Drivers License, if I had done any of that shit the other night, I’d likely be a target of law enforcement and be charged for the very same thing my allegedly typical mother did.

“What Did I say I was going to do Today?” (In the You Better Remember Undertone)

I am not happy for what I had been subjected to, earlier today my mother was rambling on, and I got into a fog, because my mother lacks self reflection (such as she never followed up on tracking down that person that she felt did wrong; she never apologized for what she did to my safety, but assumes I had forgiven her), she then proceeded to attack me by asking me “what did I say I was going to do today?”… the use of 5-w’s as I have not written about lately has been another corrosive abuse method – to the point I am staying in my bedroom all day until we go out tonight.

Generation X Is Progressively Becoming the Worst Generation of Parents… EVER! (Parents Emotionally Not With the Kids)

They say that Generation Z’s parents is the smartphone and mobile apps? Yes, that is right, Generation X, the hyper-individualistic, we-were-out-until-the-sunset, hey-remember-the-rotary-phone bullshit, and their abusive tactics of making kids extensions of them, not reflections, really rubbed a vast majority of Gen Z the wrong way, to the point where i think that’s why they are on their phones at all times. What would you do if you’re berated or attacked, or constantly quizzed like you’re a first grader, and you’re in your twenties (for me I am in my late 30s, but whose counting right?)

We at some point have to say: the kids are not OK, I am not OK, I feel so alone even with my mother, and I AM SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE SIMPIN’ for my MOTHER WHO IS A FLAWED PERSON BECAUSE SHE CHOSE TO HAVE AN ABUSIVE TENDICIES.

Video: “I Have No Friends”

This video deserves the least amount of words. This 1/4 century year old known as Girl in a Blue Dress is not that far away from where yours truly is based. The video was recorded after the Dartmouth school year of 2022. She also mentions “Hampton” in this clip. Yesterday, this video accelerated as YouTubers Aba and Preach (who often critiques the “red pill”) threw a lot of opinions that wasn’t necessary.

I made my own comments. I feel so bad, though I can relate but I have my own struggles


Midlife Crisis (Assuming the stats are right)

It came to me not only that this coming year, I am eclipsing my majority of my life as an adult (so yeah “young men” or “young women” could be used as late as 35 in my opinion)… that it could easily be my mid life crisis.


Well if a higher functioning IDD guy, that my mortality is closer than other people in my life. For the first time ever, the US lifespan is going down, from 80 to lower ages. Most people with ASD or other types of profound IDD, will live at least 15 to 20 years younger than their typical peers, according to the anti-vaxxers that push out this information.

I could be gone from any point from likely in the next 30 years, that would lead me to be in my mid 60s (jesus!) to potentially 70. I’ve noticed I gained 10 pounds since my last read most likely in the spring time, and my diet has been the same, and my physical activity has been the same. Given that the stressors of loosing my grandmother recently has made everything around me not matter.

But prior to September, I had been really rebelling aging, I’ve lost so much in confusion, anxiety and anger, all in the hot mess that is ASD.

So yeah, I could very well be in a midlife crisis at a ripe young age of 36 years old.

On Ableism…

Recently I discovered the disconnect of using “ableism”. I feel like other words ending with -sit and -ism, not only is the word being devalue as it has become a political cliche; for an example racism and sexism in the overt sense has for the most part disappeared, however covert racism and sexism vis-a-vis internalized sexism (such as men stating they would rather have a male pilot over a female pilot, when flying despite female pilots having documented ability to handle stress if a plane crashes or looses control.)

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Transgenderism – Is this not seen properly?

There is not a day that goes by where people are whining and bitching about transgenderism, that the schools are turning guys into girls, it’s the media, it’s freckin TicTok that’s doing it! Ooo the outrage!

Or is it that feminism rejects men at all costs? What about living in a red state (hell it’s purple, with red pockets here and there) where right of center women just ride the coattails of the liberating movement? Or is it lefties who just can’t trust ’em?

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Life Update

First off…

My gram has passed away on September 20th, a day before the fall solstice where it was her favorite time of year, it would’ve been 3 weeks to her 83rd birthday.

This extended a month and a half of emotional dysregulaia (I know it’s not a word, but you get-it). Yes for sure, my life is not going to be always perfectly normal and there’s always going to be a normal day.

my mental health has been a bit unstable, but I wouldn’t say extreme either. The emotions has been really raw, because the way my grammie passed away was not what I was living in some fear in the last few years. But on the other side, I kinda knew my gram was on even more borrowed time than in early August. But it came out nowhere too. (More on this at a later time.)

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Re-De with the local DHHS

I am saying this loosely, even for high functioning autistics, people like me need to have benefits… because I am not enough work wise too.

The annual re-determination process (aka re-de) is in August, where my mother has to file the annual paperwork to say I am totally and permanently disabled and we have to supply the state the last checking and savings monthly statement, etc. Because my mother neglected a certain detail that changed this year, I did not get my bi-monthly benefits beginning in September.

my mother tried to call the office one time in early September but because I didn’t fill the consent to talk, it further delayed. We tried calling the office again later in the month and was on hold for nearly 20 minutes.

Despite the Cisco CallManager on-hold music, it got my mother really anxious. My grandmother was dying to be blunt.

Last Wednesday, we went to our local DHHS office, and much to my chagrin, there was no wait, my name was the only one on the digital display, and for all intensive purposes, we were applying for benefits (aka it was like being 18 all over again with the paperwork.) However that part got expietitied because of the long term supports (i.e. my day services connection.) My mother did apply for Food Stamps because other benefits in a re-de last year shrunk because of a misunderstanding of how the funds were supposed to be used.

Obviously, I do not want to share the details, nor embellish it. I do want to say there is some shame living with a pre-existing autistic condition. That’s explained in a follow up phone meeting on Friday.

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Hellllo Fall 2023: Depleted, Burnt Out, Unable to Function

In March, I was really in a down moment in my life. I was turning 36, and I am inching closer to 40 with nothing to relate to with my peers, unless it’s those peers that are in the same boat! Yes, because feeling the very same feels will turn all boats.

My mother is going through intense grief, while I have been identified as her “rock”. And it wasn’t the first time me or others heard that uttered. Not to mention I started elementary school in 1993, 30 years to the day last month. Given my grandmother’s grave state, I was unable to reflect, and given that I had traveled to Londonderry (or around there) about a handful of times after her passing, it set the trauma markets of feeling like I was not enough by any means, and I was just that resource-room kid who they felt I was not as equal to them.

my present therapist is antsy, often over generalizing, over sympathizing what is not in reality, because that individual doesn’t look at individual cases, not to mention US English isn’t their native tongue. My mother had gotten blindsided with the monthly benefits, so we need to turn the clock to when I was 18 and re-apply for eligibility; only because of a mismatch in paperwork,

Politically I am scared to death because “we are one election away” from an extremist who hates Massachusetts. Not to mention everything I have discussed over the last year in a half with politicians trying to regulate tolerance through preaching intolerance.

I feel like a goddamned misfit. I feel like in the state I live in “freedom” only applies to a handful of people with very little accountability, and responsible people are paying for those groups’ freedoms. Average men are treated as creeps!

No one understands the pain I have to absorb and right now I do not have any support people to help me with my cognitive differences. People who are reading is like “well you’re so high functioning, how can you not understand?

I was home alone on and off for almost a month and a half by no ones fault of their own; however I was really unable to discuss what was going on. Therapy sessions had to be on Zoom. I was trying to keep calm and carry on, but now I can’t even fucking cry!

The warning signs goes as far back as 2018 into 2019, I needed many hands as possible, and guess, what? my mother has to take the emotional burden of what I had to go through.

DSM-IV era autism is not as common as people think. Not too many people get-it, they think my father should’ve parented me instead, and fuck me up in a different way.

I am drained, my bandwidth has been maxed out, and I can’t process anymore. What’s next, other individuals feeding me their emotional stimuli that I can’t process.



The Reason for my Existence

I sometimes feel with unhealthy co-dependent relationships is for a third-person (that’s me) to be exposed to other people’s trauma and being trapped into forced-empathy…. only because I am different.

This is why men need to ejaculate responsibly, and women to be a bit more careful when deciding to keep the baby to live.

And yet older people are blaming the younger generation for them choosing to be socially rigid, never the emotionally demented or unavailable parents.

Conservatism – is it a threat to people like me?

Society has gone through series of directions overtime. If you heard lately “we should go back to the 1950s”, what they really mean was the 1950s the last well known time period, as the the man being the bread winner, women stayed in the kitchen, and a push for christian values, with heterosexual marriage and procreation, for the elder man’s own narcissistic legacy. Did I say this so called American Dream or “American”, “nuclear family” was only acclaible to Caucasian people?

They imply turning back to this time, because it predates the 1960s, the decade of that lead to civil rights, the invention of birth control, and the rise of feminism, and its various “waves”. But if you get your news from Just Pearly Things, a YouTuber of over a million subscribers; who is now selling merch that “Women Shouldn’t Vote” and is completely clueless to Putin and his extermination towards unorthodox conservatives… if you never heard of her, then you’re missing out on why this nostalgia should be fought against.

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