Christmas is a hard thing for me to understand. My autism doesn’t help manners. Part of it is I wasn’t exposed to faith and religion at an early age. Another part is my difficulties of relationships, especially to family.
I’ve mentioned earlier today that I’ve had family issues in recent years relevant to Christmas. Another part of me is I can’t turn-off things i.e. “letting troubles be out of sight”* I also believe given my my strong emotional bond with my mother makes anything tick. I find such chemistry has made our relationship even more difficult. Such emotional similarities would not be an ideal match for any other relationship.
*verse of “Have Yourself A Merry Christmas”
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On top of that, I’m just struggling through life almost being unemployed for 5 years straight and now mounting concerns for me to get that new annual contract for certain services where there is more goals compliance and accountability on my end and I can’t just shut it off on one day.
I think being an adult is the worst feeling to have. I don’t see really anything good out of it other than I have a teensy bit of freedom (i.e. unemployed for almost 5 years) and just having the time to yep about my frustrations of life.
I’ve lost the meaning of Christmas. After what happened to me personally to the last 9 months of this year and seeing the elections going the wrong way and seeing the economy stalling for another 4 years and seeing how social media, “the cloud” and iDevices killing possibly U.S. I.T. or even service jobs, makes me just feel even worse. Going back to micro-view, I feel looking forward,  I just don’t see any future for any new relationships. I may get a job and seek professional relationships, and getting a job and maybe loose some services (the system for special needs is totally fucked up here in the States – I’ll leave that part out.)
On top of that, I don’t see any future for “friends” or even a girlfriend. Remember, I live in a suburban area of Boston, and often its a bunch of rich brats or anyone that is underage, since there are so many school age people who live around here. And if there are people my age, then they are like my cousin, taken and happily married. There aren’t that many single 25 year olds – lets be frank. All the good looking (read: bad ass girls) are taken, the not so pretty live with their parents, and the truly loving and caring girls are extremely rare.  I’m looking into taking an indefinite break of dating and going into relationships, something that was in place since birth, if you really think about it.
This is coming on the heels as allegedly the world is supposed to end tomorrow. Its all over cable TV right now of the fear of it. I’ll say this I was born on the 12th, my worst years of my life were 12 and 21 and 2012 wasn’t the best year ether. I hope nothing severe happens in my area in the event of a disaster.
But I’ll say this – my life is over. Whether or not I die or not, my life is figuratively dead. There is no way to revive. I was pronounced dead back earlier this year. 2013 and onwards is going be a challenge, and something I have to do, but maybe it won’t be as painful. Maybe its a sign that I won’t have to endure pain as being someone that has a “disability” that only a “doctor” with a PhD degree can treat. Maybe I’ll get paralyzed, and maybe that will be the best moment in my life (as fucked up as it is) and actually have empathy of the masses for the first time. Maybe there will be friends and a possible girlfriend and maybe a future wife that would love me for who I am, since again a disability is typically not observed by society as something in the brain.
Whether or not the world ends tomorrow, I will put more resources into this blog. My plan is to decode what I had experience for relationships and again analyze it. Sadly, I am not getting those beloved search terms like “can autistic people fall in love” “why don’t autistic people fall in love” “could I date someone with autism”. Oh, I make that up with my experiences of ignorant people not wanting to date someone like me.
Well hopefully, I’ll see you people tomorrow. Bye!