This was a series of events that lead up between the last quarter of 2019 into March of 2020. Most of the distrust in men and adult male humans accelerated by twenty-fold between this time. I have had skepticism in men because I never had a great expierence, but before I go further, let’s go backwards in time:

Prior to birth (1986-87)

My father had denied my existence as a fetus. The then 19-year-old who came off as a manly-man would act like a p*ssy and deny, deflect, and defend his actions he did nothing. The only time he was looking out for my interest was to have shared custody… for his parents to see me.

1990 – present

while we never had him to sign me away, he evaded child support multiple times and never took any offers of custody or visits. He denied me. He cheated on me! He never talked about me to anyone – including two half siblings… even as adults! They found out about my existence on Facebook.

My default response is if you hear nothing about my father, there’s a reason don’t ask, I would never do that to you – I expect the same!

First Male Teacher (1999)

Mr. Doug Stith who worked at the Londonderry (NH) Middle School (his wife actually worked at South School, nothing negative to report) but the man I would have nothing nice to say. He had these creepy laser focused eyes when it came to his narrow-minded-interests in science. HE WROTE ON ALL CAPITALS ON WHITEBOARDS, THEREFORE I STARTED TO WRITE ALL CAPS ON MY COMPOSITION NOTEBOOKS. The man had no empathy. He had that weird adolescent bond with his students. Meaning he really didn’t care about his students. The man had no knowledge of special needs, since historically most of us would be out of district by this point anyways, and of which it happened to me. The f-ing notorious man never had his head roll after the events that took place there regarding the botched-transition

“Dr. Kardashian” (2001)

I give this doctor that name because that’s what my mother thought his name was a decade later (thanks Kimmy!) I had one psychiatrist; that followed the failed neurologist that was behind the Paxil pushing in 1999. Where the doctor was based was not too far from where I presently live. I do not think my doctor was Armenian like Kimmy K., but this was one of my first male doctors.

When we went to his office, he shared an office space, but not the office in general, so the receptionist was not working for this doctor, it was weird, and sometimes you have people renting offices in practices but not be part of the practice – if you get where I am going. It’s that grey matter crap that someone like me goes crazy. We were waiting in the office for a while, with WCRB in the background radio, and a receptionist that saw us but couldn’t do much because that doctor was not in the responsibility of the receptionist.

Looking back 21 years, what was uncomfortable for the time was how men tend to interrogate, question, an directly asking questions without a filter. The cutting off and asking perpetual questions as if I was miscast for my diagnosis can cause increased insecurities, and these folks like this doctor lacked agreeableness looking back. While women be just as notorious genetically and statistically speaking there are less of them, even if they have boobs and I have a stick down there…

First Male Teacher’s Assistant (2001-2002)

This man was a love/hate relationship. Made me feel very unconfortable, which actually resulted in physical aggressive for the first time since early 2000 (for a child, it seemed like eternity). This was lead due to communication problems with this male teacher. (Sequentially  I also had my first male guidance counselor, and in fact he was my last counselor ever, as all the guidance was then deferred to the psych-o-lgist, Fraud on Broad, which really made matters in my personal life worse.)

What was really creepy in retrospect was flashes in my head indirectly about my father would come up in the worst time (adolescence) because I bared his French surname. The staff was Canadian French too. As a result, this weird bond was already making problems worse.

Bro-figure (2003-04)

I had this one brother like figure as a para but left not too long later. This subject was featured in A Puzzling View

First Transition Coordinator (December 2007-July 2009)

This transition coordinator, the experience and the geographic location (Moore Center Services was the agency I was at the time) was the contributing factor. This guy was all the men I knew prior-to, cold, non-empathetic, dry and serious a/f, trained by their corporate compliance to CYA to use all language to protect themselves from immunity from legal, couldn’t laugh, had a last name similar to Stephen Colbert, but the “t” wasn’t silent, it was hard a/f! I couldn’t help at the time that I hated him. He stuck around before after my 21st and when the funding was received, 18 months later, state average actually, in July 2009. As you can tell by the date, planning your adult services is mostly a reactionary practice, and as a result yours truly had to work the phones to get the attention of the management to meet in Essex County, Mass. to get some ball rolling. I seriously was on my own.

First run-in with Law Enforcement (April-July 2015)

As previously stated in the experiences with the Merrimack, NH Police Department, little would I know Law Enforcement Agencies in the 2010s would be a political enforcement division to silence law-abiding citizens to not Light it Up Blue for Autism Awareness. I got a police writeup due to what became a long saga with the chief of police, the masculine female town manager, the sociopathic Town Council (at the time.) The police department leans hard right, the men are extremely agressive, and worse they are very clever at admitting their wrongdoings in the means of justification. The police department since 2015 has gone through around of turnover at the top.

Londonderry, NH by comparison is more worldly than the mall-cop wannabees whose role at MPD is to be a macho-man as possible without having empathy or compassion, because that would make the men soft and not avoid meeting quotas of writing up non-caucasian people The hyper defensiveness is fine if it’s a Communist country, or a country like Austria

Worse the man who wrote me up was the then Chief of Police, and this man who apparently knows nuttin’ about Autism, has since went to the NH Department of Safety, and is the head of the Emergency Communications unit (aka the lone Enhanced 9-1-1 call center in the state.) all 9-1-1 calls in NH go to the state’s DOS, and if autistics are nervous calling for help, and is ran by what you can say is an ableist man, talk about a career upgrade!

Last Straw with Masculinity (September 2019 to March 2020)

I do not have trust with genders that tend to have authoritative traits, aggressive, pushy, insta-results types of people. By the fall of 2019 at my last day program, I was in a really abusive situation that took nearly two years to recover from that alone. I was in situations where I was criticized for  writing too many long emails, I then started to figure out what would “gaslighting” mean. At the same time my female 1 on 1 support staff of which has high masculine traits, and is highly agreeable (so she can get into management and manipulate others) was also in-it too. By the end of 2019, I felt so alone, I got into another bout of depression.

Those six months lead me into severely distrusting men and from that point forward, from the spring of 2020 to present, any man in my life gets frequent check on status and ego. Just because you have a penis, doesn’t mean it makes you special.

I refuse to open myself to men anymore! Men and autistic individuals is a toxic mix!

This experience lead into the Man-O-Festo post that was published earlier this year.

#