Thursday was wild. My mother went into a very mind numbing breakdown. On Friday she owned-up and recovered and we opened up. And she also even admitted selling the house because she sees my grandmother in the house still. By yesterday, my mother looked at the Lock Screen of me holding my grandmother in the hour or two following her passing.

She as a bit erratic last night. Today, as well-anticipated Super Bowl is near, my mother is binge watching CSI (ironically that takes place in Las Vegas).) Just before 1:00 was there anything on the on screen guide of any NFL Films documentaries of the two teams like would air when I would watch the Bowl for the Patriots. But when i tuned to CBS, I found a documentary on the history of their long time pre-game show The NFL Today. Well produced, I came right down at 1:05 to check and she had no interest when I came down the stairs in excitement, she thought it some real breaking news.

Because my mother’s lack of self regulation, we were supposed to play a board game and sure I could’ve checked in to be clear (and not assume, which is very signature of co-dependent relationships), but she looked like she wasn’t interested in that either.

I would excuse my mother, but if I was to quantify these episodes in the last 20 years, I’d go into the low four figures. To say I cannot be annoyed or inconvenienced at my age in my life would make the older people in my life a bit childish on their part. yes, my grandmother fucking died, and she was only in hospice for less than 72 hours. Sure the American healthcare system sucks, but does that mean that I am supposed to be subjected to already alleged-borderline personalities and the menopause factor?

It’s been only 20 or so weeks following the unfortunate, the sudden but slowed death of my loved one impacted me but you never hear me make it a justification of emotional unavailability. My mother isn’t home emotionally and the living room is also her bedroom for the forcesable future. A room where you can’t put your emotions at the door because that’s also where you sleep.

For those who are keeping tabs, she hasn’t seek out help. Relying on books and Meta fan pages to rationalize her grief, parasocial connections is helping her carry on as I still feel lonely going through this myself.

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