Birthday

My birthday is near and in the coming weeks I will be 26 years of age. It will be the 5 year mark where I had turned 21 and finished school on the same day. It is very scary to think how in half a decade how I have fallen apart and came to a hard realization about how I have to accept my differences, and accept my future outlooks in life. (I think you know its really about “relationships”.)
I don’t talk like I used to because I am tired of talking to slight egomaniacs. I am tired of hearing someone’s “honest” or someone pushing an agenda on me. I might be venting a little about my mother, but that’s really besides my point.
I am asking for much this year, nor do I really give a shit about it ether. As I wrote in last October, about my struggles of people remembering my birthday; I’ve just accepted the fact “its just another day”. That happened last year, I went on a trip to the mountains after doing some shopping at the state’s surplus agency getting networking gear. I brushed off the the 25th anniversary of my existence.
I am not happy about the big two-six. And this isn’t just the normal PDD obsession leading to one’s bday.  It’s actually worse.
I realize I won’t be happy. Its not because I choose not to, its because I am forced to not be happy. The leadership on the ASD self-interest has effectively slandered my group, and has effectively committed uncriminal behavior like psychological ID theft. These goddamned sons of bitches have forced me to grow up faster than my peers (since it is “normal” to still act like an adolescent at 35 years old, if you don’t have a disability) and yet these same sons – of  – bitches treat people like me as crap when they aren’t “on the clock”. These people insist we work for some corporation and be highly accountable at all times.
These freckin bastards also believe we should only fall in love in our own peer group. I’m talking about the PDD group. As you already know (I assume) the numbers of PDD male to female ratio is about 4 out of 5 male to female. I probably would say 3 out of 5 are females, since I see more of them in the adult services than I have seen in the special education. But still, I am put at a disadvantage.
My only wishes for my birthday is:

  1. Please, I ask the middle age women, who are ugly, bitter and hateful people  who act exactly the same as I just described: to stop acting as advocates for special needs! I also understand you might have an empty nest syndrome, but just stop saying for one example that autistic people can’t fall in love. DO NOT slander these people in private workshops BY CLEARLY saying its “not appropriate ” for us to attend when I feel you will painting EVERYONE with PDD with the most thickest brush to exist! Especially when WE STRUGGLE (in some cases for unneeded purposes) with RELATIONSHIPS and recklessly plan such workshop on mother fuckin’ VALENTINE’S DAY! It is your peers that have made me so mad and sad and not glad that the only life I can have is to be a fucking slave!I stand by my “fucking” beliefs, because you force me to use such needed coarse language! 
  2. I want people to LISTEN. Especially WOMEN! I don’t give a shit you have a cunt and tits, to me its sexist for me to expect me to listen to you and its fine for you not to listen to me and go off and talk, talk and talk and push your egomaniac agenda. If you want to be treated like everyone else, you have to not label yourself and act like everyone else, and sadly in this case men. (I hate using gender/age specific language, but it is these overeducated punks from Harvard, and other Middlesex County, Mass like regions around the world that unnecessarily done this reversed sexism!)
  3. As narrow-minded and possibly sexist and racist as it is, I would love to have a woman to be my romantic mate. (I can’t say “girlfriend” without being charged for “hate speech” because you can’t say a “girl” to a “woman”.) Therefore, I would like to have an adult female companion  I should just say, look into a slow relationship. For all I could know, having a romantic relationship may not work at all, and I could’ve wasted 10 years for nothing!
  4. The “experts” need to get their head out of their asses. I can’t say this enough. I also ask for paraprofessionals, professionals, teachers and other cold-hearted people between the hours of 9:00 to 5:00 local time to maybe learn that autistic people are just like you, and instead of not having friends in your outside life that are autistic, to maybe give it a chance? I’m not talking about HS aged people or current professional relationships, but have some freckin unity as we desperately need in my country! I only wished I could be integrated with “normal” Latinos, Blacks, Asians and other people of various backgrounds, and not be forced into a group I find is regressive and a group that won’t rightfully go forward according to my social, political and systemic standards.

I’ve realized I have done some bitching, but many punks in my life have no idea what they have done to me, and how its ok to not be accountable of their actions, their words and their actions. It is men with a certain social standard who have wrongfully been abused and used!
I do not hate women! And I mean that. I respect them! They are very caring people, and they have great talents! Younger ladies is rare, thirtysomethings you have better luck I only have a problem when they go on a political or systemic tirade against one social class for no realistic reason in the general population, and get away with it. Sadly, many are near or post menopausal and they generically look ugly, because they act as if they are fat and ugly.  I hate to be so biased, but since ASD and PDD individuals are mostly male, I feel so personally offended to be an adult male because we have to treat women as God.
I only ask to be somewhat happy for my Birthday. But apparently in America that is asking for too much according to all the experts I have to comply since America is now a “1984” society.
P.S. there is one other thing I would want for my birthday. To have more traffic on this blog and more discussions from my readers, because if it weren’t for you (if you even read my blogs) this blog wouldn’t exist.
End of my political/personal rant.

The real definition of “dreams”

an animated images showing clouds featuring dreams that progress to dark and broken ashes
This is my own animated GIF I did on Photoshop
I don’t know what the definition are “dreams”, I don’t know if it applies to a single group or whathave you or maybe my mother really sucked as a parent,  or the local government’s over burden on regulations or all of above, but this is my art of what I consider is really what “dreams” are.
Responses on stories featured on this blog are welcome by using emailing the publisher on the contact page.

Happiness is Overrated

So I have to get some goals and objectives for my contract for next year to continue to receive services. I’ve mentioned before the change of how to measure my goals has changed for my contract. This change is scaring the hell out of me, and it is making me wonder why am I in services if I will be held with higher accountability. They claim its supposed to help me reach my goals, but I feel like its going to make me have to meet standards and never fall back if something legitimately forces me to go back.
I’ve seen these high accountability standards hitting the people who suffer with borderline disabilities, the ones you can’t “see” since it doesn’t take over your body. And as such, we have to meet high standards.  I know friends who have suffered with high expectations. Some tried to kill themselves, and some that had dropped out of high school alltogether. While I am not in school, and if I keep up becoming an icicle, because I am scared to death with trying to keep the authorities happy, I still feel like meeting high standards are going to make me fall backwards and not forwards, and I have to hold my self accountable in a higher level since I have a form of high functioning autism. Can you see why I am tired of feeling so “high” pardon a pun?
I don’t feel like I have the power to meet standards for myself. I feel like my freedom has been taken away thanks to the government regulating the shit out of the most vulnerable citizens of society.
RELATED: THE IDEAL LADY – SOMETHING I HAVE TO WITHHELD TO MY SUPPORT GROUP
I am required to meet with someone via the phone in a couple of days to go over my goals.  And I’ll tell her that my goal is to get out of the services by I dunno, in a couple of years. And I’ll tell her its because of these regulations that are making me get out, instead of retaining me as long as I need my services. Sure I may not work 40 hours in the next few years, sure I will try to succeed without bitching, but these kinds of practices wants me to kill myself  (sorry for mentioning this during such timing.)
I had switched services during this time a few years ago, and the contract starts in January and ends in December, so the planning just doesn’t help during the holiday season.
I’m tired of having to be the slave for other people’s happiness. It’s not about my future, its about meeting other peoples expectations that happens to be labeled as “my future”.
RELATED: MY ORIGINAL THOUGHTS THAT MY HAPPINESS NEEDS TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE
I don’t want to sound like an anti-government, Constitution flaunting; the world should revolve in 1776 all the time, (because I don’t fully-subscribe to those views at all)  but sometimes government does take your freedom away in order to get services or funding.
The only thing I would like – is to be happy without being put under a microscope and be held hostage to meet other people’s expectations for my happiness.

The Pursuit of Happiness

I had a meeting with my support team for my services earlier yesterday. I want to keep such sensitive information private, since I do not want to exploit such special needs services. Part of it is  such a political drama over the last few years. The Great Recession hasn’t helped the manners. However, the New Year is coming, and I am trying to survive a day to day live meanwhile having to deal with more and more accountability and additional people-pleasing. This New Year mentality is starting to become something I’m not looking forward to.

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