I am introducing a new feature called Escaping from Toxicity; the real time; how-to of going away from a bad situation that is not an escapism per se, but also running for your life as the problems you were unable to manage becoming dangerous. It’s one thing to cope with smoldering fire, but if it’s an inferno and it’s going to take out your o-line, then you have to bail out.
I do not understand why I had opened myself up to toxic figures in my life.
Was it because I had to be “open” and less “rigid”?
Was the so-called “rigidity” a primitive way to set “boundaries”?
Was it because “the system” that bad, you couldn’t be so picky?
What do I do now to stop this?
The last few years, I was in a rock and a hard place to find good help. It’s hard to find help period. So I had to be sacrificial (which was a life long thing to begin with); yes I had to “compromise” but I was also over time doing that at the price of one’s ego. (let’s just use 2005 to present, almost half my life ago.
In the last five plus years… I “opened” myself up (as in open-minded, compromise/sacrificing) to people such as
- Individuals using me as their “pawn” for their career status (this could be construed as a “supply” for narcissists)
- Individuals exploiting all negative elements of my condition to weaponize it for their own gain (blame-shifting; victim blaming; scapegoating, to discarding at the end, but the blame will always be the at the fault of the autistic individual.)
- Individuals that would praise my indifferences then to use that yet again as a weapon to shut me up.
- Individuals who know I have empathy to be used for someone else’s vulernabilities
In all four of those points, the common thread was yet again, repeat after me, narcissism, the “N”-bomb the phrase you are not supposed to say to the abusee (sic).
Even if I start to list out the ideal people in my life, people will tell me out of the bat, I am too specific and I have to let some things go of what I am looking for. (See how you can tell how confusing all of this was, it was my fault, but yet the others almost wanted to blame it all on me too?
The question I have is I don’t know how to escape this, but as time goes on, I’ll be documenting this. I cannot live this way forever, and I have less than a year where the tolerance is going to possibly break down. I’m going to be direct, I want to move out. I want to move out of Southern New Hampshire; I have to GTFO from every toxin that I cannot tolerate anymore. I am “allergic” to narcissists, and I am even more “allergic” to masculinity. Anything to any dude who jacksoff with Jordi Peterson, fucking Elon Musk, etc. I have to go. I need to go. Now I like to find the better people before I relocate. Period.
Because pardon my self-cliche that is NOT self-harm: “I cannot take the abuse from a impoverished region anymore”