First off…
https://www.instagram.com/p/Cxngq-KuakY/
My gram has passed away on September 20th, a day before the fall solstice where it was her favorite time of year, it would’ve been 3 weeks to her 83rd birthday.
This extended a month and a half of emotional dysregulaia (I know it’s not a word, but you get-it). Yes for sure, my life is not going to be always perfectly normal and there’s always going to be a normal day.
my mental health has been a bit unstable, but I wouldn’t say extreme either. The emotions has been really raw, because the way my grammie passed away was not what I was living in some fear in the last few years. But on the other side, I kinda knew my gram was on even more borrowed time than in early August. But it came out nowhere too. (More on this at a later time.)
I also had a change of therapist beginning in late May to early June, that I think was botched on many different ways. I called her on the week following the funeral to cancel the scheduled appointment on September 26th. Then I decided to cease the working relationship to at least find someone else in my therapist’s firm. However – thanks to the DHHS making some lives difficult, they had to do other work to get paid… more on this is seen in this video:
When I finally got a hold of my former therapist nearly a week plus following my gram’s funeral, I was able to talk to him for about an hour, and the part in my video where to call the crisis hotline or 9-1-1 was brought up. But at the state’s only 9-1-1, they view autistics as mute-and-incapable while higher functioning autistics are probably potential criminals. That’s the feels I get.
Not to mention my previous therapist has been at courts as a witness that has a strict no phone policy, so any messages I sent probably is about 100 threads back.
So what do you do when things like this happen? You grieve. You grieve the life you will never have. You grieve the life that you’re mislead to have. You grieve the life that people had deprived you from. You try to control that anger so it doesn’t look like I have loose nuts, since repetitive thoughts and emotions are a really crazy mix.
My annual paperwork and service contract has to get done, so we had met with my case manager last week, and the statement uttered by her was that I am a “multi layered person” meaning I don’t fit to every stereotype of ASD which just magnifies the loneliness. I’ve heard the excuses all the time, no one has the time to sit down and listen to me, no one has enough empathy in that bandwidth for who knows what reason, and despite being a low maintiaence, and highly available person, I’m still to much. And to not brag too much because autistic individuals always seem to be seen as situationally creepy, I am not a threat.
While being alone for over a month, literally all by myself, from then my mother being back at home from FMLA leave, to 2 week bereavement to using all the remaining vacation days leading up today being her last day; I went to Portsmouth for urban leaf peeping as I never really seen the Seacoast during fall foliage
But before I went home, The Goo Goo Dolls’ Iris played out as the first song from my iPod… and I finally put the underlying lyrics together
Just two or three weeks before, I had went to Keene, with already having low self worth, to then having what would occur to my grandmother, to then go on another respite type of trip to rinse, lather and repeat every feeling I had before.
Society has been falling apart from many different ways as it got worse perhaps a generation ago, it’s just the people like me are getting hurt earlier and before everyone else.
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