My mother had used the phrase “my mother” or “my mom” or sometimes where I would inadvertently chime in from the dining room she would say “I’m talking to my mother”. I had also unintentionally would trigger her by saying the way she says “my” sounded “possessive”… well… I have something to say about this…

This masculine energy of negativity is really coming home. My mother is insecure of her identity, so she hides behind things as her Facebook avatar, so since Gram’s passing, she uses her photo we chose to publish in the obit and the funeral. She also is taking every Wednesday off from work at her request and permission of her boss. Because she died on a Wednesday, it’s bothering her that much.

My mother almost has a near entitlement or an expectation of sympathy. On one of the days she returned to work in the office, she felt really down when she got home, and of course unlike Fresh & Fit or some other manosphere asshole, I listened. As an empath, I could understand where they are coming from. My mother’s world was falling apart, but everyone around here isn’t her, and they aren’t going to feel the same as her.

Around Thanksgiving, she was emotional that no one reached out. But did she attempt to reach out or is she becoming like her mother and “assume” and let the person come to them? Clearly my mother only knows aggression and not assertive, clearly my grandmother who was bit rough on the edges with her being a bit blunt.

This entanglement of co-dependency between my mother and her mother is very evident with her being gone. i was only involved with 1/2 of what was really going on, but like my gram, my mother is choosing to go it alone, accessing Facebook pages for her wellbeing, refusing to reach out to the hospice care to get a 1 year support following the 3 1/2 days of care, because it was that quick,

She objectively needs help, but she refuses, so I have to be the blanket she needs, and guess who else gets the soiled treatment? My therapist, my other support staff and alike because I cannot do this all by myself. Books at B&N, great! But living in your own little residence as “the world around you” is really toxic and it’s almost as bad as “the world revolves around you” and that’s the very same stereotype of my group.

This is why I still nudge my mother of avoiding anti California or New York remarks because putting walls within really limits your world view. And focusing on just my grandmother will cause her (from observations) come off toxic, rude and disrespectful by other co-workers because she can’t comprehend that one person’s loss is not going to be felt as the same.

Something tells me the Silent and Gen X’s hyper independence is really toxic and in some ways ruined my both my mothers in various ways where this stubbornness is really bad.

While it’s not related, my mother is having a memory hole of loosing memories of my grandmother’s voice and her quotes. One night recently I recalled “you’re on a roll” and my mother didn’t remember. And I fear my mother is grieving too much and is letting go of the person she cared so much. Because I had already been through grief loosing Melanie, and that if I was feeling so much somber, the concern with that would be that I would I’d be destroying her.

This will be posted separately in a separate post. it could be an adage of the more you grieve, the more you destroy.

God help me.

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