Just as the standard FYI meets CYA: the opinions below are my own and not of those of family, and stands by of a strict no-family discussion in detail unlike the Age of Autism unless there is a justification

The fall solstice will mark the one year anniversary that my gram is no longer with us. I really kept things silent to let the thoughts marinate in my head before I start putting into words. Yes was I shocked at how quickly her health decelerated? Yes. Did I feel sympathetic during the early hours of her hospice care? Oh hell yea, I think her “restlessness” was her fighting to stay alive. Do I remember happier memories? Oh hell yeah, in fact it not even several weeks before?

Did I comes to terms with her passing without sounding so morbid? I knew my grandmother was on borrowed time. While I never shared these anxieties – whether or not they knew is an answer I can’t speak for. When she had gone to the ER in late 2019 and early 2021, it was only a matter of if – not when. Of course I was hoping for 90, maybe 95, but unfortunately it was literally 3 weeks before her 83rd.

I’m trying to deal with this modestly, but her last months, then weeks to days was the way I would say goodbye. There was no grudges, we spent a lot of time together watching TV and other things. In between her 1st and 2nd stay, I stayed with her when her heart rate went past 100 (first sign that things were going south) we even looked at each other watching  David Muir actually stopping himself on the live 6:30 for a few seconds – where such a newscast that you never see on national news.

We went out and got soft serve Dairy Queen at the outdoor mall down the road on the first day of Spring. One of my photos I took and posted on Instagram, that I wouldn’t think in literally 6 months she’d be gone. My mother has gone through intense grief and hasn’t gotten much external help, and I don’t feel I should take a lead either.

There was some friction between both of them from what I’ve heard and personally witnessed, and that probably is one of the reasons why things are slow in the post death, estate and things of that nature.

I feel my gram is not gone, but just not at home. This has been a consistent thought since September. I’ve repeatedly said “Gram’s not with us” as opposed to “Gram’s dead”, “Gram died”, etc, etc., etc.

The emotional response to my ol lady has been really tough, and to be “her rock”, this has put a lot of pressure. I know my mother witnessed a lot more than I went through. However this process still feels very lonely. This is one of the reasons why I need more social connections and more relationships than just acquaintances, but then again the acquaintances were more sympathetic than the people I formerly worked with.

I’ll say this very lightly, and not some Pollyanna-ish, preachin to the choir ‘tude. I think part of what helped me to live with each other as if it’s your last, from the most smallest thing. And some of the time spent together could’ve been put off via procrastination, something I fight on a daily basis. And having some sense that maybe she was on her last days (even if I wanted to be wrong) pushed me to be extremely graceful as heck was starting to freeze over in the situation. (there were other unrelated stressors that followed and not my grandmother personally so forgive me using the analogy.)

#