I am struggling as a hierarchal child, again an adult child that has an expectation to out-do the parents of said child. I don’t think it’s appropriate to use the word “child” alone. Just look at the Murdoch clan, and how all the media writers call Rupert’s offsprings “his children”. People must be a real fool to believe that Lachlan and James are toddlers running News Corp or Fox Corp for that matter. Well that tells you right there that a) the kids;… I mean “children” are extensions of Rupert and are never going to be a reflection of his life.
Where the fuck can I have my own identity? If my Pick-Me-Mom doesn’t like women or men, then why do I feel like I exist, to be her light duty little man? Oh wait, I already know this!
As the policy continues for years, I typically keep my family out of my dialogues here, however there are times when I waive them. My maternal uncle has been ill with various psychiatric issues for nearly 3 decades. He finally got support at the regional mental health facility here in the Manchester area, and like the developmentally delayed system, this similar though different system is not fitting for him as he now has early stage dementia (stemmed likely through his alcoholism and the “tranq” pills he took in the bad mixing of that and the said alcohol, saying recently to us they “tranquilized” him back in the day. He had early life trauma, and that was a contributing factor.
However his psychiatric history and now this deathly neurological situation is a dual-diagnosis in it’s own way. He fell through the cracks just about a month ago this weekend, when he was discharged from a psych ward facility after nearly 5 months of admission then was at a half way house, then got lost in the city, then was back nearly a 1/2 a day later. That Saturday the “case manager” strongly suggested him to go to the local Emergency Room, and stayed there for a weekend while the mental health agency scrambled to figure where to put him, they decided to bring him back to the psych ward, thats’ run by the mental health agency.
Meanwhile we are the only “family” members that are supporting him, his daughter (my cousin) are estranged, and given this stituatiion, it’s unclear if she will even visit him, despite being in the military based in Norfolk County, Massachusetts. Well they live in their own world anyways, I haven’t really seen her since, and she and I…. well don’t want to make things personal, our relationship changed over the years…
So my mother is taking on the guardianship of him, she’ll be asking questions this weekend when she sees one of the “councilors” at the psych facility.
For me? Well again Steven you should be a bit more selfless and help out your “mom”!
Where the fuck can I have my own identity? If my Pick-Me-Mom doesn’t like women or men, then why do I feel like I exist, to be her light duty little man? Oh wait, I already know this!
Most men biologically develop in their 40s. Well as I was signing off my 20s, I still felt like a perpetual teenager! Now I realized my former day care program they were keeping me as such with the onslaught of gaslighting and steamrolling. Now I just have a “mom” that needs to program everything from soup to nuts, and she can’t seem to control herself. I suspect that a decade ago while I tried to break free, she saw the writing on the wall, so then she became an empty nester, so what did she to instead? Got more needy towards me to keep me with her! “Needy” isn’t entirely negative per se, but when it ‘s being repeated and not addressed and not course-corrected, then we have problems
Like I noticed a series of paper towels on my side of the dining room table, and wondered if I put it there a few days ago. The problem is I can’t remember every IRL event log, because i eat and go and at least try to pick up the area to the best of my ability; to be honest, in the fears of arm-pulling in common areas. I don’t want to be answering questions or being pulled for an “audience” for a monologue of her really poor humor to write off some odd thoughts she says out loud. The pandemic (I refrain from using Covid anymore), really elevated the lack of boundaries between her work from home work environment and the home-based work environment with me. With all this constant drilling, cueing or queuing, very instructive dialogues, I don’t retain this. I can’t seem to learn from mistakes such as forgetting to clean the dining table because it somehow gets magically corrected another maternal bullshit things they do. I honestly forget things even if they make obvious clues. Because I am waiting for the black and white cue.
It’s a vicious cycle my mother doesn’t copy that msg. She’s a very impulsive figure her gut makes her say things she shouldn’t be saying or even do.
And of course my mother doesn’t understand, I can’t change her, so I have to radically accept by staying in my living area for most of the day!