Part of an ongoing series

A couple Days later

Again on the theme of preventing transactional relationships, I bought an accessory and left not to long later as I didn’t see her, only because that first day was more of the browse, then this day would be the “shop” (I know cash in more time with sales associates!) Again as I have learned, the only way you can test relationships is not to buy anything at every time. For a learned lesson, consult the Buying My Way to Female Affection.

If I had a choice between a near-peer aged Millennial whose emotionally checked out, but an emotionally aware Zoomer whose at least 10-12 years younger than me, I’d go with them.

 

The Following Couple of Weeks

A couple of times in that same couple of weeks  I passed by (because I am still aware to not be an overt creep), that following week (where i went to Best Buy and bought myself an iPad dock dongle), I went into the mall and noticed there was more bossier ladies (management types) so I didn’t say much. But I realized that this “Kayla” was really shy, when I approached on that May day, I may had ran into her without even realizing it. (You’ll have to wait for the third or fourth installment…

The First Real Heatwave in Late June on a Midday Wednesday.

I saw a curvy brunette, and asked if she was in, and “tell her that Steven stopped by” (this girl  felt was going to be the least expected one to relay a message like this.)

That Following Tuesday

Feeling Emptiness: We were at the psych facility with my family member past the visiting hours (apparently legal guardians have access to see them at any time of the day, we stayed passed 4:30.) In the following weeks in June I noticed the counselors would engage with me less, if we are all in the room the eyes always went to my mother, even if I was the one asking the question. So am I close-enough, even as a family member for them to not be emotionally connected to me? Is there something inappropriate in this rigid state of “boundaries” and “power structures” between mental health professionals and people who happen to have similar conditions to have an informal but respectful relationship?

This further perception of feeling devalued for someone with DD started to create anxiety, and going back to the safe place, which was this named store at the mall. (Going forward I am really to engage with my family member and if there’s something positive with the counselors. then great!

Because the psych facility is on the way to or from home and the mall, it’s the only real reason why I would later at this point be saying “I’m shopping for a cutie”. The only part of it being out of the way was less than 1/2 mile from South Willow Street, where we would come off by another road heading into East Manchester.

While the plan with my mother was still kept lock and key from her eyes and ears, I started to get a bit more assertive. This time another girl that looked like her was there, it was after 5:30 pm, as we were at the facility for a longer period.

This girl who I forgot her name, was a blond, blue eyed girl, similar body, showing of lots of skin, and I asked about the girl she said “she left at 4:30” and I was like “darn” and she said “I said the same thing, do you know her?”

I said I met her once, to prevent any incidental digging myself into holes.

We chatted it up and asked if she could let her know that “Steven stopped by and said ‘hi'” I felt this girl would pass it on over the curvy brunette who didn’t care. To be fair, they might had forgotten

In this same mall a year ago, I found another cutie, at another store in late June and she was gone by Labor Day because of the events of Gram basically made me stay at home and I never saw her again. Knowing how these jobs are like revolving doors, the intent was to bustle but not hustle and being so overtly creepy, while I had gone there (or walked by the store but not going in unless I had a feeling or I actually was browsing in all honesty), there’s been a sense of urgency like I said if she was to leave, I want to get my foot onto her door. For anything social. She is someone to have a relationship something other than customer/associate.  But I don’t want to come off like I have attachment issues either.

Clocks

“Kayla” could’ve been likely a toddler or even younger than one in 2003, when the Coldplay hit was on excessive play on many alternative radio stations. To say that songs are not appropriate for children, Coldplay for boys would be one of them. The songs are highly deep, and dark, and worse depressing. Only one song had a positive undertone released a couple years later.

Clocks for those who barely was alive was the sound of 2003, in the most literal context. I remember Clocks being used as a bed music in some drama I watched at the time, or it could’ve been a movie… all I know is a person running for their life to find their happiness. When I incidentally landed on the YouTube music video, the music got stuck in my head.

It’s not a happy song and when I was alone in high school, this song seeped into my mental bloodstream, there was this rush to find someone, find someone other than a depressing family and while I am also now starting to grieve over the loss of my grandmother from last September, that there was a further need to hustle at times, bustle like a cutie as the state of motion.

She wasn’t entirely singled out

Like with things when shopping, you shouldn’t rule out one person, there was attempts to me to socialize with other store clerks or girls shopping, but it’s just to practice talking, rather than engaging. For those who are concerned about age-gap relationships, to blame an individual’s choice living in an area where theres, Gen Alpha, Generation Z, Generation X, Boomers and remaining Silents, notice what’s missing? Millennials. I advocate strongly on 1/2 your age plus 7, if you’re going to the near 1/2 the age, make sure she’s over the age of 21 and hopefully 25 at the youngest range.

But Millennials – to. This. DAY – still do not get us. So what the hell am I supposed to do? Ironically, for whatever reason Zoomers, as much as their world experience, and overall intelligence may be a downgrade from Millennials, their social intelligence is as high comparable to Xers from my life experience. If I had a choice between a near-peer aged Millennial whose emotionally checked out, but an emotionally aware Zoomer whose at least 10-12 years younger than me, I’d go with them. Then I can prolong CPTSD of dealing with old aged people again and channel in the missing younger self which I never got.

#