This came on On This Day, but I didn’t want this public as my mother has since been on Facebook and it wouldn’t look-good if she saw this…
Deep Secret Coming Out (Facebook Note, 2018)
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Tag Archives: 2020 Year of the Hopeless Autistic
How the Hopeless Autistic Began
To sum it up in a paragraph: I had gotten a name of a genetic doctor at Dartmouth/Hitchcock Manchester. From winter to June there was back and forth in backoffice paperwork. After that cat and mouse game ended, we got a date to meet with the doctor on September 1st. Basically the genetics testing was too risky financially as my primary insurance through my mother denies at 13 years and older. The Managed Care Medicaid wouldn’t touch it unless it was denied by the primary insurance provider, and if Medicaid denied it it would’ve been a severe case of SOL. (The story of my life…everything is bleep out of luck!)
Well in the meantime, the doctor suggested a name of Dr. Jennifer McLaren in Lebanon. According to that doctor, she supposedly worked with adults. (I suspect she may work with them if they aged out as children like a grandfathered clause.) Well when I called them, they basically denied me and gave me the infamous advocacy organization, etc.
It was after this run-in with the broken adult special needs system is when I decided of I Can’t Take This Anymore! And this is how The Hopeless Autistic began. Thank you unforgiving “doctors”!
The “Smart” Factor
Discussing intelligence with me unlike the vast other autistics that can speak for themselves, is a touchy subject. I personally don’t think its anyone’s business to know what their IQ score is or what they know about or don’t know about.
I try to remain modest and keep my feet on the ground as I try to reach for the stars. Some won’t take the late Casey Kasem’s advice and go the polar opposite. I do not want to say I “play dumb” but I have to be honest: because if I am so good, am I too good to fail? I might me smart enough for college but may not be emotionally competent or have the stamina and drive due to meeting demands and having to explain my autism to every professor in the beginning of every class so I god forbid don’t be plastered as a fool.
The 2016 Wish List
For me to not be a hopeless autistic, I would love the following
- Better accountability to the professional class once and for all – Anyone who works with special needs, or is in management or acts as “leader” has traditionally gotten away with ether abuse, slander/libel, Federal corruption, etc.
- Redefining “Self Advocacy” Self advocacy today is an abusive practice, by enabling the professional class and not empowering the individual. People should be driving off the George Washington Bridge to get what they want. No parent or even individuals should have to go so far to get what they need.
- Educating the Public on the Welfare system The welfare system is a very broad spectrum of service delivery, and sadly everyone wants to get rid of Medicaid, but the unintended consequences would hurt people with various disabilities to get through their day to day lives. I’ve had a right wing nut job of a school secretary tell me that I have more of an Asperger’s case and accused me for “smooching with the government.” I’m very bright till I go into a classroom and be threatened to death by some inexpierenced professor…
- Changing and Modifying the adult systems. Hey guess what? Your kids’ autism won’t go away when they turn 21, so stop believing you can fully “cure” your kids autism. Also what will happen when your kid graduates on their birthday? Have you ever thought of “falling off the cliff”? What if you live in Manchester, that notorious area agency will give you a 100% promise that you may never get any services unless you cry and whine your bleedy hearts by that point give you at least some minimal supports.
- Educate the educators I’ve talked about misinformation since the inception of this site, and sadly the “experts” often inappropriately teach people things to make them scared to even work with them. Where has that gone? Nowhere!
That’s all I ask for this year.
Teresa Bolick’s Dishonest Autism Agenda
Over the last few months, I’ve brought up a reoccurring character named “Doctor” in name only Teresa Bolick, of Westford, Massachusetts and why she is causing the autism crisis in my state. She is a very odd individual that spends a lot of time in both the very racist and ablest state in Massachusetts and the state of New Hampshire, which over the last several years has started to follow Massachusetts’ lead of their ablest agenda (and yes it’s more than just the JRC as many advocates are in a hissy about.)
Lack of Personal Autism “Acceptance”
It has come to my attention and I might have come to my senses for the next year (assuming no help arrives to assist me) that I may very well be having problems accepting my autism more than anything else. This same disorder that has been with me virtually since birth.
It could very well that I may have been in denial not just in the middle to high school years, but even in my first ten years as being an adult, despite denying it and trying to act mature by moving forward. I know I’ve been diagnosed with my autism over the years, but I’ve yet to understand and grasp what makes me who I am and why I can’t move forward. I don’t know what’s going on in my mind. I feel my brain is dead in some parts.
I might as well not expect so much and really get used to being treated like a child afterall. Perhaps I do need to be reminded and talk to like a child. Perhaps I have put my ego too high and I was too “rosey”. Maybe I am not as “normal” as I think I was. I figured I was tone deaf and didn’t understand the difference between “it’s not your autism” vs. something that is autistic.
All I want to say is just like all the other low/mod functioning types of the annoying and generic “I’m sorry” when they feel bad about something they did “wrong.” I may as well be on this functioning level and I’ve been denying this all along.
These senses may give me a path; but regardless I don’t see much happening for the better. I still feel like a hopeless autistic.
The Path to Never Independence
I look back at my second decade of life and I’ve realized that the longer I’ve stayed with my mother, the more f*****d myself up with my future. I’ve lived with my mother, instead of living on my own (and thanks to Medicaid’s perverted system on “community based support waivers”) there is really no such thing as Section 8 anymore. I’m unable to afford to live in this state thanks to very high taxes spent for those goddamned children and going to rich Caucasian towns like Londonderry, Dover, or someplace like that. Can I go to a group home? Well, group homes are politically incorrect, because EVERY AUTISTIC in the world must be accepted by the community according to these rosey agendas made by special interest groups by rich caucasians and never rich or poor African Americans (whose the real racists?)
Linked In Sez I’m too Talented…
And you wonder why I just sputter, because I “have unique combination of skills” says the pesky top page where it badgers users to give more information to use against you in targeted ads, etc.
Well I used to say “I’m open minded in a legally narrow minded world.” This maybe the reason why I’m “stuck” but yet to confirm.
The Back Story to the Marriage to the Girl in Ballerina Flats
In 2013, I came to my senses that I’d also be a hopeless romantic. Love and autism doesn’t have to be a complicated relationship status, and sadly the recurring characters such as incompetent psychologists acting as state leaders, inadequate training (fear mongering), and possibly “following the money trail” say IDEA for an example, had a lot to do during my teenage years.
Transitions? OMG That’s an Awesome idea…
…but why are you 10 years behind the 8 ball?
I sit on a planning committee of an annual conference for families who live in my state -the state I live in, and I sit and have to listen to a couple hours almost every month about people presenting ideas about transition planning.
And I sit there quietly like a wallflower.
I sit like I have severe autism.
I remain quiet.
I don’t like to come off as threatening or combative.
I just sit there.
And hopefully people of the intellectual class and the professional class gets their heads out of their rear ends and understand that while this is good for the second or third generation of autistics (or developmentally disabled people) in my state, the state I live in – what about the thirtysomethings who are limping around the system just trying to get through a day? Some may not be able to verbalize because they can’t put their concerns into words, or they have been severely manipulated by a bunch of racist psychologists who think its OK to ruin a child’s brain at their teenage years, and screw them off as they become adults and not have any clue what unintended consequences they do to these people.
Excuse me for being crass: I could care less about the goddamned spoiled rotten brats in special ed! Who gives a flying bleep about “the children!” What about the goddamned adults that the professionals could care less about?
I wished I wasn’t a monster, but I sadly became one in many ways thanks to the goddamned idiots running SAU 12, GLEC and dare I say “Doctor” Teresa Bolick who with all their failures caused me to become a scary person. Now I know why people run away from me. It’s these nitwits that should be on death row!
The controlled rants are over. 🙂
If you’re new to this site, let me be clear: I live in a state where we were the first in the nation to close a statewide “school” for autistic like people; but its also the same state where people have pushed “progressive” agendas that have resulted in “regressive” actions. I also live in the most richest towns probably per capita and those communities have absolutely zero tolerance for people with developmental disabilities (if you are under the age of say 21.) You (or your child, your “friend” from elementary school, or family member) has basically been hopeless since entering middle school; and some of these people have been hopeless as early as the end of the 20th Century.