If you search for “boy mom” on the web.. you’ll find results about a rising trend on TikTok and other Reel-like platforms about a stereotypical mother… that’s also their identity.
The Boy-Mom in the Autism World… the infamous Autism Mom
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Tag Archives: ASD
Late 2001: The time I realized becoming a man would be physically difficult
In the fall of 2001, not too long after 9/11, and a few months before puberty was starting to percolate, I remember yelling at the school yard. I realized my voice went down at least an octave. It sounded angry. I had a baby-face because of my Japanese genetics. I remember yelling again not too long after, and again hearing the octaves go lower. It wasn’t just a voice change that I felt I needed to avoid, but among many other things the transition to manhood was going to be an ongoing situation for more than 20 years after the fact.
Where the Hell am I on the Recovery Scale?
Let me begin with a few things that drives me nuts online on places like YouTube with regards to human interactions.
I do not hate women (but I barely trust men) This is a result of a couple videos where I’ve heard people say that people “hate women” or women “hating men”. I do not want to say that I have “hated women” to the point I have checked out. This happens on both genders and probably both sides of the poli spectrum. I don’t like women who have a lot of power who are not accountable, and men who are so cocky in their egos, that it scares me. I am in an utter distrust with women, and I strongly dislike men as narcissism and masculinity often gets meshed together.
I never expected someone to “rescue” me – I have not expected someone to “save me” or “come and fix my broken self”. Let me go to that “broken” state, it maybe a phrase I use often to describe myself and even if the phrase was never said explicitly, it was very implicit. The underlying problem is to treat the person with an ASD type of condition to be extremely typical, and statically treat them typically even in a meltdown, if you failed in the meltdown episode, then you are deemed to not be good enough (I am saying that phrase loosely, very loosely. So I was “broken” by proxy, by the enablers that disabled me (ex teachers/paras case managers, DSPs, other managers and those case managers in adult ages.) When you are delegitimized in a small group, and if you can’t fit into a small community, let alone a larger community.
Yet our media, our institutions or worse the community are saying nothing about ASD, and even if they, it’s just passive. The lifestyle is horrible, even for a higher functioning.
The only way to reverse the damage, is NOT self-love, I do not believe that at all. The only way to treat the hopelessness is someone with a big heart that with expectations yours truly would return the favor. I don’t know why I have not found that person yet. CPTSD or not, or trauma wounds or not. I felt my depression and sadness was state not just trait, but that if the state anx/depression went down, then things would’ve turned around for the better, but yet again fucking COVID19 just had to make my life a living hell.
If you can’t even cultivate your own community, hell if I can’t even find self employment because my social network is so brittle, and any attempts to go back to the job market, and hell if I can’t even feel confident to go into college, how can everyone with autism say it’s a blessing and an entirely a gift, that even a higher function guy can’t even function?
I don’t think even for a higher functioning autistic, there is no way to recover.
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2022: Another Chapter…Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse (‘typical Against an Autistic)
In early 2020, in the midst of COVID19, I had taken time off from my 3rd adult day program. Little would I know, this would be the beginning of the end with them. There was several incidents leading to being kicked-out, or worse written-off because I wasn’t disabled-enough. I do not know when my last day of my program was because of the pandemic, it was likely the end of March, because we were last billed for the services, despite having communications with administrative staff in April. (Some would say that was not-professional for any staff to divulge any vulernabilities of the program to a client.)
I say: I don’t give a flying fuck!
Transitions? OMG That’s an Awesome idea…
…but why are you 10 years behind the 8 ball?
I sit on a planning committee of an annual conference for families who live in my state -the state I live in, and I sit and have to listen to a couple hours almost every month about people presenting ideas about transition planning.
And I sit there quietly like a wallflower.
I sit like I have severe autism.
I remain quiet.
I don’t like to come off as threatening or combative.
I just sit there.
And hopefully people of the intellectual class and the professional class gets their heads out of their rear ends and understand that while this is good for the second or third generation of autistics (or developmentally disabled people) in my state, the state I live in – what about the thirtysomethings who are limping around the system just trying to get through a day? Some may not be able to verbalize because they can’t put their concerns into words, or they have been severely manipulated by a bunch of racist psychologists who think its OK to ruin a child’s brain at their teenage years, and screw them off as they become adults and not have any clue what unintended consequences they do to these people.
Excuse me for being crass: I could care less about the goddamned spoiled rotten brats in special ed! Who gives a flying bleep about “the children!” What about the goddamned adults that the professionals could care less about?
I wished I wasn’t a monster, but I sadly became one in many ways thanks to the goddamned idiots running SAU 12, GLEC and dare I say “Doctor” Teresa Bolick who with all their failures caused me to become a scary person. Now I know why people run away from me. It’s these nitwits that should be on death row!
The controlled rants are over. 🙂
If you’re new to this site, let me be clear: I live in a state where we were the first in the nation to close a statewide “school” for autistic like people; but its also the same state where people have pushed “progressive” agendas that have resulted in “regressive” actions. I also live in the most richest towns probably per capita and those communities have absolutely zero tolerance for people with developmental disabilities (if you are under the age of say 21.) You (or your child, your “friend” from elementary school, or family member) has basically been hopeless since entering middle school; and some of these people have been hopeless as early as the end of the 20th Century.
Help from a Doctor that Knows Adult Autism!
2017 Preface: These sets of concerns had dated over a year before, hence it sits in the 2014 category.
Unlike Asperger’s Syndrome types who claim they have “Aspergers by self-diagnosing”, I for one won’t stoop down such levels. I’ve tried to find a therapist, a doctor, (an MD or dare I say a “PhD”) and there hardly is anyone skilled with autism for adults.
Everything is for “the children” but adults with autism are being just treated the same exact way as the first generation (births between 1987 to 1992/3) because for whatever reason there is a lack of resources for adults. They know what’s happening to “the children” because when the said groups become adults – this is what they will be expecting. So if that is the case, why not wait? And why are you letting the first generation suffer? Why in the hell in 21st Century, could autism been the first case of civil rights of progressive actions unlike Down’s (which took too many centuries too long) to address? And, with all the technology in the world (the Web, Internet, PCs, cable networks, etc.) are we still addressing like its the 1960s, of slow actions, misleading information in the media; why does society have regressive radical opinions like how the 60s was in general?
A Day in the Life
The other day there was a Halloween party at my local program. I’m still on one partial day because I can’t handle the stress of being micro managed, and the bossy treatment by the staff towards me and others. Before the event, I took an Ativan (to curb off the anxiety and sensory overload.) It’s important to know that I never had sensory issues in my teenage years, because I was heavily drugged.
I got there just before noon and socialized with people. About a year later I’ve gotten familiar of both the clients (the staff is another story.) The Halloween party began around 12:30 and we were in the art room (which is a big garage because its located at an industrial park. About 20 feet of openness and loud noises, one of the leaders speaks very loudly and doesn’t speak quieter if someone is 10 feet vs 30 feet away.
The party was fine. I met a new manager who was hired in September and had doubts. She seems young, and managerial type. She knew about my schedule and never got a chance to meet me. She acts like a heartless manager from my first impressions. She is managing a group of people and managing them like they are numbers or what. (at first blush) She’s a product of that infamous institution in Durham. A lot of millennial types have majored in ether partying, management or what. Just what we need more “managers” to make things more depressing. I hope this woman is doing things in the best interests of the clients because I still live in the trauma of the mismanagment and the Hackerama of GLEC. If you don’t want to deal with humans, then don’t work in management in this field!
Hopefully I know more about her when I go there for lunch next week before my Tuesday activity and meet with her at least one on one for a few minutes…
I’ve typically go on Tuesdays, but because I went on Thursday instead I was told that in the afternoons is a “choice activity”, well I was surprised because the last time I went on a Thursday afternoon there was already a choice made. In anyways we went to a dollar store nearby the client was explaining the staff where to go. I took over and said “its near [redacted location]” and got through there.
The client said “good” and asked me if I had a girlfriend. I said “no”.
Ten seconds later I muttered, well I have one but she doesn’t exist. I woke up my iPhone and dazed a Photoshop composite image of me and my “wife”, Melanie at the local beach from this past summer.
Then because the Boston radio market is a joke, the iHeartRadio Top 40 station was getting broken up in Nashua, near downtown. The barely legal staff stated “lost service” (I laughed in my mind because one way radio communications isn’t a “service”) but told him to go to the Class B station, another Top 40 station from Worcester, the stick that’s on the state park in Framingham, if I’m not mistaken.
We got to the dollar store and were there for a few minutes before I was dropped off taking the back roads up north.
Today could’ve been worse. I’ve had a number of outbursts and loosing my patience because of a lack of organization. Most of the staff smokes (they aren’t smoking where they aren’t supposed to but more of “is that good for your health and for us if you’re that stressed out” like thing.)
I don’t know what it’s like to run a day program, but I’m not faulting them ether. It’s just they need to have better organization. If the staff isn’t so confusing then won’t be as confused ether.
Change My Diet – Feel Better?
It is not abnormal for autistics of all ends, to ether be overweight due to being on medication or having a narrow scope of foods (soft textures loaded with fat or sugary content) causing many to have a larger waistline.
Some of these diets could be eating away from Vitamin D, which is the nutrient for energy. I do walk often (well not this year after the 6 month heatwave and other issues with community officials), and where I live, the neighborhood is very open so the 360 days or so is often sunny, so how could I not be getting Vitamin D? The diet could be the culprit?
But why should I change my diet? How can I be magically happy? I do not feel that the context of this blog would go away, and I feel its not a dillusion anymore.
The problem is in order for me to feel better, the people around me need to be healthy and happy, and a system that isn’t oppressive and regressive. Autism Speaks turns 10 this month and yet they caused their own autism regression in awareness. Autism Speaks has made the disorder like a disease (which developmental disorders had existed before 2005. For gawd sake’s alive the Autism Society of America was around for another 40 years before and yet they never encouraged double-murder suicide.
Change my diet and the state will seem to be more accommodating for services? Change my lemonaid or soda intake and see people wanting work with people like me?
I really hate to say this, but I do fear what I’ve been seeing in this year alone in the State of New Hampshire is so tragic that even I make myself happy, I’d still be struggling to be fully happy due to the ignorance of leaders in our state who clearly are waking up at 5:00am to create unneeded politics and unneeded drama on the autism spectrum disorder. Who hurts? The individuals themselves.
Special Report: Depression & Autism
The death last Monday of the famous actor/comedian, Robin Williams has opened yet another opportunity to discuss depression.
Robin Williams had died from an apparent suicide last Monday morning (PT) at his Bay Area, CA home. He was 63. He was dealing with financial problems, and also was dealing with his cancelation of his TV show, The Crazy Ones, likely due to low overnight ratings. Other reports claim he was dealing with an onset of Parkinson’s (unable to confirm that here.) He was in many films from Jumanji (which apparently according to the Union Leader, was filmed in Southwest NH), Mrs. Doubtfire, Bicentennial Man, voiced over the Genie in Disney’s Aladdin , and many more movies and will appear in 6 more films ready to be released in the coming year. Older readers may recall him in the 70s TV series Mork & Mindy, which was the catalyst to his career.
Williams had said in the past he was dealing with depression and went into rehab 8 years ago. He dealt with drugs and alcohol. A month ago, it was confirmed he was going back into rehab, citing “tuning up” his sobriety. In any case it was likely too late, as something caused him to kill himself last week.
It would not be appropriate to discuss – or speculate why he did it nor mentioning if he was a coward or not to do that. I’d like to turn the focus on to the topical status of depression.
Whether or not depression is part of autism, or autism causes depression, or it’s a similar but different, or it’s caused genetically (like from your crazy uncle – literally) or not, the fact is depression and autism can go in tandem. There is no doubt about that, despite how many PhD hacks you talk to. Depression and ASD can be caused by various factors, becoming an adolescent, coming to a realization that you are “different” or just the poor execution of your support system’s ability to help you.
I know people who are in their late twenties in some level of depression. I myself have dealt with this on and off at least for the last 15 years. If you had followed this blog for the last few years, I’ve really held “the system” accountable for lot of the damages caused to me.
There is a taboo in the developmental disabled and the mental disorder community whether or not both practices should merge. Psychiatric, mental disorders and developmental disorders 3 different things traditionally. There are various methods in treating them, but they are all different. That doesn’t mean that they should come together or be recognized as dual issues. Because these disorders are so separate, the delivery system for services and support are separate. Whose to say someone with severe autism is also dealing with depression? Whose to say someone with Down’s could be bipolar? Also why are we so focused on the disorder and so worried about going to the right agency to get services or should I say the best services since in some areas, mental disorders and developmental disorders are handled by two different services?
Also its been a cliche all week long about how mental health services are not addressed properly. I’d go even further and say mental health services for people with autism are also limited too. In my area, there are a handful of psychologists that ether specialize in autism, or has a working knowledge of autism. (The other handful focuses on ADHD and Asperger’s Syndrome, which I’m leaving out because people with AS can choose to not be a odd, weird talking liberal moonbat, and act like everyone else. Sorry I don’t respect people with AS.)
Despite the contrary, New Hampshire in the downstate region is part of the Greater Boston metro region, and even in the most world class cities in the world, this area and probably even the Mass. Merrimack Valley also lacks in mental health services for dual dx’d mental and developmentally ill clients. I blame part of the Boston snobbery that insists civility doesn’t exist north and west of I-495.
In closing, there needs to be a national discussion with trying to eliminate the stigma of depression; and another track to discuss why so many people with autism or other related disorders are falling into the cracks and why so many arrogant leaders are not realizing there is a depression problem with the autistic community. Especially in the twentysomething crowds, where many grew up in the dark ages of autism being a mysterious and unknown disorder and had parents not knowing where to go and school districts not putting focus on them. If we can’t take this opportunity to discuss this problem, there will be another tragedy that won’t get mentioned because they aren’t a celebrity.
Update: The Ongoing Transition to Limited Relationships
Hello,
As you probably know by now I no longer report on autism related issues from an autistic himself since September. I have been burnt out blogging to people who were taking advantage of my work and never contributed back. I was tired of Tweeting to people who were so smart but was so stupid to not learn how to interact with someone who doesn’t agree with them fully. That isn’t autism or Asperger’s, its just liberalism as a mental disorder. Anyways I was also burnt out trying to convince others that I could be like other people but some like this organization, and obviously this one where they have their minds narrowed to a certain demographic.
Well let me discuss what the last 3 years have lead me to (hopefully my autistic repetition/redundancy won’t be obvious.)
I moved near the end of 2010. I never moved more than 3 miles and in the same town in the first 23 years of my life. Where I live now is within 20 miles where I used to live. At the same time, I had finished school about 2 years prior and I was receiving services in a new agency, and went though heavy reflections.
Essentially my remaining soul, identity and social makeup ended.
- My social circle was really limited and to the point I should describe it as fragile. I often felt jelious and envy because I didn’t have what they had and sadly I felt like I wasn’t “good enough” for them. Wether it was coincidence or not, my friends abandoned me when I moved, some were nearly half to a full hour away where I live now.
- In January of 2011, I launched the online publication called An Alleged Autistic, because I had questioned whether or not I was seriously autistic, whether or not the autism rise was real and later questioned the autistic movement (later entitled The Forgotten Autistic after realizing an entire generation, the first generation of the autism boom was entirely forgotten.) The major Autism organizations are focusing on a second generation boom that impacts fewer people than others born around 1987 to 1993.
- After realizing a bunch of referral traffic coming from search engines with phrases like “can autistic people fall in love”, “why don’t autistic people fall in love” was the catalyst to launch A Puzzling View on Relationships in the fall of 2012. While this blog is no longer in active production, the hundreds of posts for archival purposes are timeless.
Where am I since the last year? Have I changed since the last year? Well let’s put it this way. I feel like I am technically borderline autistic meaning that I can be functioning to a certain degree, but unable to do things or handle responsibilities than to other people of my age group. I have came to a realization that I have difficulties that is hard wired in my brain that would require the most smartasses in the room to reprogram me, which is beyond impossible in 2014.
Where I am on Relationships
In 2011 I went into the multi stages of grief of loosing some friends from high school. In 2001-2005, I went through a similar process – that case was the elementary school “friends.” I put it in quotes because they weren’t my friends likely, it was a one way relationship. 2011 and 2012 was denial stages. I had to go through the process where I had to sever ties ether on my end or witness it on the other end. It was devastating.
2013 was an undocumented implementing of hitting the proverbial reset button. A lot of the focus was to get a job or find a work program. By April of this year I have been working my ass off to find a work program, and get some skills ASAP.
2014 is also the year of implementing the idea that I will never ever kiss a girl, and I won’t be in any “relationship”. What else am I supposed to say, bullshit my readers of “oh sure, there is a girl out there for you, someone in her twenties living in the Manchester or Nashua area that is so-tolerant of dating someone who is borderline autistic – by the books of course!” Sadly the reality is there aren’t that many twentysomethings living in NH because they hate the ‘burbs and they love Boston and NYC 100x more. And if there are any, they are taken, because you know the good looking girls are taken, the sweetest girls in the world are taken and the narcissistic girls and not to beautiful ones are single. For good reasons too!
Now the next implementation phase is to figure out how to live with my mother and learn to deal with her and how to co-exist in the next 5 years. I have threatened to move out on many occasions in the last year. Sadly there aren’t that many psychologists or therapists in this area (given that I live in the Greater Boston area) and yet there aren’t that many that focuses on autism, never mind adults so I can get a fair level of advice and support, etc. I say this because only someone who is an alleged expert would be the one who can help me implement the present and future feeling of a hopeless romantic and be my mothers son to grave. My mother isn’t looking to getting a man because most men of her age are fathers or they are gay or something worse. Because of this I feel that the relationship wouldn’t be threatened – for me.
The Hopeless Romantic & Autistic
I’m still a hopeless autistic, first; hopeless romantic, second. Its a really mad, mad world and it has taken nearly 4 years to figure it out. I am a “slow” person, and I am embarrassed to admit it. I don’t see a bright future. There are evil people in politics and in the special needs worlds that has made my life similar to the old USSR or the firewall that broke Germany in 2. And sadly I can’t fight against the experts who have built the wall. I’d be punished for it. Also I don’t have the energy like I used to.
All I want is to have a 1 week grace where I could relax from all of my problems. There are more problems I have dealt with this past calendar year to date which I haven’t mentioned. I really wished I could have one full year grace from all the problems, but that’s asking for too much. I’d like to spend a week in Orlando, Florida and see what makes young people so happy at Disney World, Universal Studios or Legoland – because I was unable to experience my childhood for reasons I have mentioned.
Anyways, beginning on July 17th, the publication is still in archival status and the search engines will once again be able to be searchable.