Tag Archives: ASD

8 Years and a Week Later – The Ring Leader of ASD in the Granite State Left Us…

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As I mentioned before, the horrible person who intentionally scared Granite Staters (as well as Massholes, and the rest of North America) passed away on New Year’s 2017.

I still have no respect for the woman who hated autistic boys as I suspected not only a few years before became a board cert ABA, but i wondered if she was an anti-vaxxer too. Her upper end of clients also included the Middlesex County elite who having an autistic child would’ve broken their ego. Throw in ABA treatment and the parent’s ego won’t be as fractured. On the lower end, well I was reminded I was not- enough, and the only way to fit in was to take prescription meds for fake issues, because the typical peers did illegal drugs. I had to “mask” my social economic “status”, one of the many disregards, gaslighting that Bolick was notorious of doing.

lBut what wasn’t surprising is how much her legacy has seeped into a few thousand people, there’s more feminist ABA professionals, more boy hating teachers, and thankfully less people who don’t weaponize suicide the way Bolick did, because it was people like her who said “autism and depression are separate” . Knowing later on that they do strangely go hand in hand, and because she was taught in the 1970s, she preached it well into the new millennia, but did she ever re-take a study to learn new facts? Of course not.

I am a recovering victim of her narcissistic tendencies of a professional that refused to grow and a subject worth learning wasn’t respected (that is me.) because abuse from people allegedly with NPD is so low, because no one will admit now – or at least in the near future, the level of suffering with imposter syndrome and nuanced based social skills is far from developed. As people say “you have to make it” for the adult population.

I never want to express so much hate, but I knew after my 30th birthday (my family waited as the news broke around February school vacation, that corrupt professional liked to keep her personal life so air tight… the irony!) that my group would still be haunted by Teresa Bolick from 6 million feet down under from hell as her afterlife did get exposed to thousands of other women who lust for power and control using autistic boys as to emasculate (and maybe giving some of these younger boys into trans, even though I don’t believe that’s a causation.)

This blog isn’t about everything on autism, but a subject on antiquated practices from a legacy, pre DSM-V autistic looking in. The systems were intentionally broken with no intention for it to ever be repaired.

Let that sink is as I am closer to 40 with a life experience of a 21 year iold

Late 2001: The time I realized becoming a man would be physically difficult

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In the fall of 2001, not too long after 9/11, and a few months before puberty was starting to percolate, I remember yelling at the school yard. I realized my voice went down at least an octave. It sounded angry. I had a baby-face because of my Japanese genetics. I remember yelling again not too long after, and again hearing the octaves go lower. It wasn’t just a voice change that I felt I needed to avoid, but among many other things the transition to manhood was going to be an ongoing situation for more than 20 years after the fact.

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Where the Hell am I on the Recovery Scale?

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Let me begin with a few things that drives me nuts online on places like YouTube with regards to human interactions.

I do not hate women (but I barely trust men) This is a result of a couple videos where I’ve heard people say that people “hate women” or women “hating men”. I do not want to say that I have “hated women” to the point I have checked out. This happens on both genders and probably both sides of the poli spectrum. I don’t like women who have a lot of power who are not accountable, and men who are so cocky in their egos, that it scares me. I am in an utter distrust with women, and I strongly dislike men as narcissism and masculinity often gets meshed together.

I never expected someone to “rescue” me – I have not expected someone to “save me” or “come and fix my broken self”. Let me go to that “broken” state, it maybe a phrase I use often to describe myself and even if the phrase was never said explicitly, it was very implicit. The underlying problem is to treat the person with an ASD type of condition to be extremely typical, and statically treat them typically even in a meltdown, if you failed in the meltdown episode, then you are deemed to not be good enough (I am saying that phrase loosely, very loosely. So I was “broken” by proxy, by the enablers that disabled me (ex teachers/paras case managers, DSPs, other managers and those case managers in adult ages.) When you are delegitimized in a small group, and if you can’t fit into a small community, let alone a larger community.

Yet our media, our institutions or worse the community are saying nothing about ASD, and even if they, it’s just passive. The lifestyle is horrible, even for a higher functioning.

The only way to reverse the damage, is NOT self-love, I do not believe that at all. The only way to treat the hopelessness is someone with a big heart that with expectations yours truly would return the favor. I don’t know why I have not found that person yet. CPTSD or not, or trauma wounds or not. I felt my depression and sadness was state not just trait, but that if the state anx/depression went down, then things would’ve turned around for the better, but yet again fucking COVID19 just had to make my life a living hell.

If you can’t even cultivate your own community, hell if I can’t even find self employment because my social network is so brittle, and any attempts to go back to the job market, and hell if I can’t even feel confident to go into college, how can everyone with autism say it’s a blessing and an entirely a gift, that even a higher function guy can’t even function?

I don’t think even for a higher functioning autistic, there is no way to recover.

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2022: Another Chapter…Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse (‘typical Against an Autistic)

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In early 2020, in the midst of COVID19, I had taken time off from my 3rd adult day program. Little would I know, this would be the beginning of the end with them. There was several incidents leading to being kicked-out, or worse written-off because I wasn’t disabled-enough. I do not know when my last day of my program was because of the pandemic, it was likely the end of March, because we were last billed for the services, despite having communications with administrative staff in April. (Some would say that was not-professional for any staff to divulge any vulernabilities of the program to a client.)

I say: I don’t give a flying fuck!

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Transitions? OMG That’s an Awesome idea…

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…but why are you 10 years behind the 8 ball?

I sit on a planning committee of an annual conference for families who live in my state -the state I live in, and I sit and have to listen to a couple hours almost every month about people presenting ideas about transition planning.

And I sit there quietly like a wallflower.

I sit like I have severe autism.

I remain quiet.

I don’t like to come off as threatening or combative.

I just sit there.

And hopefully people of the intellectual class and the professional class gets their heads out of their rear ends and understand that while this is good for the second or third generation of autistics (or developmentally disabled people) in my state, the state I live in – what about the thirtysomethings who are limping around the system just trying to get through a day? Some may not be able to verbalize because they can’t put their concerns into words, or they have been severely manipulated by a bunch of racist psychologists who think its OK to ruin a child’s brain at their teenage years, and screw them off as they become adults and not have any clue what unintended consequences they do to these people.

Excuse me for being crass: I could care less about the goddamned spoiled rotten brats in special ed! Who gives a flying bleep about “the children!” What about the goddamned adults that the professionals could care less about?

I wished I wasn’t a monster, but I sadly became one in many ways thanks to the goddamned idiots running SAU 12, GLEC and dare I say “Doctor” Teresa Bolick who with all their failures caused me to become a scary person. Now I know why people run away from me. It’s these nitwits that should be on death row!

The controlled rants are over. 🙂

If you’re new to this site, let me be clear: I live in a state where we were the first in the nation to close a statewide “school” for autistic like people; but its also the same state where people have pushed “progressive” agendas that have resulted in “regressive” actions. I also live in the most richest towns probably per capita and those communities have absolutely zero tolerance for people with developmental disabilities (if you are under the age of say 21.) You (or your child, your “friend” from elementary school, or family member) has basically been hopeless since entering middle school; and some of these people have been hopeless as early as the end of the 20th Century. 

Help from a Doctor that Knows Adult Autism!

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2017 Preface: These sets of concerns had dated over a year before, hence it sits in the 2014 category.

Unlike Asperger’s Syndrome types who claim they have “Aspergers by self-diagnosing”, I for one won’t stoop down such levels. I’ve tried to find a therapist, a doctor, (an MD or dare I say a “PhD”) and there hardly is anyone skilled with autism for adults.

Everything is for “the children” but adults with autism are being just treated the same exact way as the first generation (births between 1987 to 1992/3) because for whatever reason there is a lack of resources for adults. They know what’s happening to “the children” because when the said groups become adults – this is what they will be expecting. So if that is the case, why not wait? And why are you letting the first generation suffer? Why in the hell in 21st Century, could autism been the first case of civil rights of progressive actions unlike Down’s (which took too many centuries too long) to address? And, with all the technology in the world (the Web, Internet, PCs, cable networks, etc.) are we still addressing like its the 1960s, of slow actions, misleading information in the media; why does society have regressive radical opinions like how the 60s was in general?  

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A Day in the Life

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The other day there was a Halloween party at my local program. I’m still on one partial day because I can’t handle the stress of being micro managed, and the bossy treatment by the staff towards me and others. Before the event, I took an Ativan (to curb off the anxiety and sensory overload.) It’s important to know that I never had sensory issues in my teenage years, because I was heavily drugged.

I got there just before noon and socialized with people. About a year later I’ve gotten familiar of both the clients (the staff is another story.) The Halloween party began around 12:30 and we were in the art room (which is a big garage because its located at an industrial park. About 20 feet of openness and loud noises, one of the leaders speaks very loudly and doesn’t speak quieter if someone is 10 feet vs 30 feet away.

The party was fine. I met a new manager who was hired in September and had doubts. She seems young, and managerial type. She knew about my schedule and never got a chance to meet me. She acts like a heartless manager from my first impressions. She is managing a group of people and managing them like they are numbers or what. (at first blush) She’s a product of that infamous institution in Durham. A lot of millennial types have majored in ether partying, management or what. Just what we need more “managers” to make things more depressing.  I hope this woman is doing things in the best interests of the clients because I still live in the trauma of the mismanagment and the Hackerama of GLEC. If you don’t want to deal with humans, then don’t work in management in this field!

Hopefully I know more about her when I go there for lunch next week before my Tuesday activity and meet with her at least one on one for a few minutes…

I’ve typically go on Tuesdays, but because I went on Thursday instead I was told that in the afternoons is a “choice activity”, well I was surprised because the last time I went on a Thursday afternoon there was already a choice made. In anyways we went to a dollar store nearby the client was explaining the staff where to go. I took over and said “its near [redacted location]” and got through there.

The client said “good” and asked me if I had a girlfriend. I said “no”.

Ten seconds later I muttered, well I have one but she doesn’t exist. I woke up my iPhone and dazed a Photoshop composite image of me and my “wife”, Melanie at the local beach from this past summer.

Then because the Boston radio market is a joke, the iHeartRadio Top 40 station was getting broken up in Nashua, near downtown. The barely legal staff stated “lost service” (I laughed in my mind because one way radio communications isn’t a “service”) but told him to go to the Class B station, another Top 40 station from Worcester, the stick that’s on the state park in Framingham, if I’m not mistaken.

We got to the dollar store and were there for a few minutes before I was dropped off taking the back roads up north.

Today could’ve been worse. I’ve had a number of outbursts and loosing my patience because of a lack of organization. Most of the staff smokes (they aren’t smoking where they aren’t supposed to but more of “is that good for your health and for us if you’re that stressed out” like thing.)

I don’t know what it’s like to run a day program, but I’m not faulting them ether. It’s just they need to have better organization. If the staff isn’t so confusing then won’t be as confused ether.

Change My Diet – Feel Better?

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It is not abnormal for autistics of all ends, to ether be overweight due to being on medication or having a narrow scope of foods (soft textures loaded with fat or sugary content) causing many to have a larger waistline.

Some of these diets could be eating away from Vitamin D, which is the nutrient for energy. I do walk often (well not this year after the 6 month heatwave and other issues with community officials), and where I live, the neighborhood is very open so the 360 days or so is often sunny, so how could I not be getting Vitamin D? The diet could be the culprit?

But why should I change my diet? How can I be magically happy? I do not feel that the context of this blog would go away, and I feel its not a dillusion anymore.

The problem is in order for me to feel better, the people around me need to be healthy and happy, and a system that isn’t oppressive and regressive. Autism Speaks turns 10 this month and yet they caused their own autism regression in awareness. Autism Speaks has made the disorder like a disease (which developmental disorders had existed before 2005. For gawd sake’s alive the Autism Society of America was around for another 40 years before and yet they never encouraged double-murder suicide.

Change my diet and the state will seem to be more accommodating for services?  Change my lemonaid or soda intake and see people wanting work with people like me?

I really hate to say this, but I do fear what I’ve been seeing in this year alone in the State of New Hampshire is so tragic that even I make myself happy, I’d still be struggling to be fully happy due to the ignorance of leaders in our state who clearly are waking up at 5:00am to create unneeded politics and unneeded drama on the autism spectrum disorder. Who hurts? The individuals themselves.

Special Report: Depression & Autism

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specialreporthx
The death last Monday of the famous actor/comedian, Robin Williams has opened yet another opportunity to discuss depression.
Robin Williams had died from an apparent suicide last Monday morning (PT) at his Bay Area, CA home. He was 63. He was dealing with financial problems, and also was dealing with his cancelation of his TV show, The Crazy Ones, likely due to low overnight ratings. Other reports claim he was dealing with an onset of Parkinson’s (unable to confirm that here.) He was in many films from Jumanji (which apparently according to the Union Leader, was filmed in Southwest NH), Mrs. Doubtfire, Bicentennial Man, voiced over the Genie in Disney’s Aladdin , and many more movies and will appear in 6 more films ready to be released in the coming year. Older readers may recall him in the 70s TV series Mork & Mindy, which was the catalyst to his career.
Williams had said in the past he was dealing with depression and went into rehab 8 years ago. He dealt with drugs and alcohol. A month ago, it was confirmed he was going back into rehab, citing “tuning up” his sobriety. In any case it was likely too late, as something caused him to kill himself last week.
It would not be appropriate to discuss – or speculate why he did it nor mentioning if he was a coward or not to do that. I’d like to turn the focus on to the topical status of depression.
Whether or not depression is part of autism, or autism causes depression, or it’s a similar but different, or it’s caused genetically (like from your crazy uncle – literally) or not, the fact is depression and autism  can go in tandem. There is no doubt about that, despite how many PhD hacks you talk to. Depression and ASD can be caused by various factors, becoming an adolescent, coming to a realization that you are “different” or just the poor execution of your support system’s ability to help you.
I know people who are in their late twenties in some level of depression. I myself have dealt with this on and off at least for the last 15 years. If you had followed this blog for the last few years, I’ve really held “the system” accountable for lot of the damages caused to me.
There is a taboo in the developmental disabled and the mental disorder community whether or not both practices should merge. Psychiatric, mental disorders and developmental disorders 3 different things traditionally. There are various methods in treating them, but they are all different. That doesn’t mean that they should come together or be recognized as dual issues. Because these disorders are so separate, the delivery system for services and support are separate. Whose to say someone with severe autism is also dealing with depression? Whose to say someone with Down’s could be bipolar? Also why are we so focused on the disorder and so worried about going to the right agency to get services or should I say the best services since in some areas, mental disorders and developmental disorders are handled by two different services?
Also its been a cliche all week long about how mental health services are not addressed properly. I’d go even further and say mental health services for people with autism are also limited too. In my area, there are a handful of psychologists that ether specialize in autism, or has a working knowledge of autism. (The other handful focuses on ADHD and Asperger’s Syndrome, which I’m leaving out because people with AS can choose to not be a odd, weird talking liberal moonbat, and act like everyone else. Sorry I don’t respect people with AS.)
Despite the contrary, New Hampshire in the downstate region is part of the Greater Boston metro region, and even in the most world class cities in the world, this area and probably even the Mass. Merrimack Valley also lacks in mental health services for dual dx’d mental and developmentally ill clients.  I blame part of the Boston snobbery that insists civility doesn’t exist north and west of I-495.
In closing, there needs to be a national discussion with trying to eliminate the stigma of depression; and another track to discuss why so many people with autism or other related disorders are falling into the cracks and why so many arrogant leaders are not realizing there is a depression problem with the autistic community. Especially in the twentysomething crowds, where many grew up in the dark ages of autism being a mysterious and unknown disorder and had parents not knowing where to go and school districts not putting focus on them. If we can’t take this opportunity to discuss this problem, there will be another tragedy that won’t get mentioned because they aren’t a celebrity.