Tag Archives: Autism

Social Gatherings for Autistics to Typicals? Nothing here… move along!

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In a undisclosed place I talked about a year ago, a place in Manchester is still sticking to their guns with clinical heavy social skills training and zero one on one support. The last correspondence via email was the top chick, boss-bitch like woman. As usual the reply said “sorry to hear about this” (again what is with Millennials and their lack of native medium sympathy, you cannot “hear” an email to the generation that hates telephony!)

What was her recommendation? Not supported or endorsed, but there’s a speed dating event in Nashua…

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Death & Taxes (and burdons)

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Recently, another family member that I mentioned early on in the YouTube days, passed away in August.

That family member was buried at the same cemetery as my grandmother, more on how and why that drama is sad is for another day.

However because the spouse and son plus the fiancee, counting my gram and nana and great grandpa, the space that claimed to hold ten, that the headstone engravers claim 8, is now down to 2 or 4 more.

Again the lone 37 year old in the lowest root of the hierarchy is feeling the emotions. The family member with a mental health now an early state dementia is unclear where they’re going to be buried. My mother wants to be buried with her mother.

My mother does not have a will yet, and my concern is that won’t happen; not that I want her inheritance but all the strings attached to my services not just my benefits. In order for that to work properly having the funds be in a trust instead, she needs three trustee types. Well those people aren’t that young either. One couple I do not trust, which is her fundamentalist friend; where her static world-view is on IDD is pretty much preset with no ability to gently challenge.

As I hear this stuff, I get anxious. Not having a disaster recovery plan a year ago, should’ve been a wakeup call. In fact loosing Gram was a disaster. I also temporarily lost benefits due to a misunderstanding on my mother’s end that caused the case to close as gram’s health was declining. Ironically, I would get a backpay of nearly two months, and screw up the Social Security, which lead that to ups and downs.

The benefits is one thing, the other was not having food to eat for a while. These were the nightmare scenarios I was freaking out several years before, fearing I wouldn’t have hands to hold when everything would crash!

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Late 2001: The time I realized becoming a man would be physically difficult

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In the fall of 2001, not too long after 9/11, and a few months before puberty was starting to percolate, I remember yelling at the school yard. I realized my voice went down at least an octave. It sounded angry. I had a baby-face because of my Japanese genetics. I remember yelling again not too long after, and again hearing the octaves go lower. It wasn’t just a voice change that I felt I needed to avoid, but among many other things the transition to manhood was going to be an ongoing situation for more than 20 years after the fact.

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Where the Hell am I on the Recovery Scale?

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Let me begin with a few things that drives me nuts online on places like YouTube with regards to human interactions.

I do not hate women (but I barely trust men) This is a result of a couple videos where I’ve heard people say that people “hate women” or women “hating men”. I do not want to say that I have “hated women” to the point I have checked out. This happens on both genders and probably both sides of the poli spectrum. I don’t like women who have a lot of power who are not accountable, and men who are so cocky in their egos, that it scares me. I am in an utter distrust with women, and I strongly dislike men as narcissism and masculinity often gets meshed together.

I never expected someone to “rescue” me – I have not expected someone to “save me” or “come and fix my broken self”. Let me go to that “broken” state, it maybe a phrase I use often to describe myself and even if the phrase was never said explicitly, it was very implicit. The underlying problem is to treat the person with an ASD type of condition to be extremely typical, and statically treat them typically even in a meltdown, if you failed in the meltdown episode, then you are deemed to not be good enough (I am saying that phrase loosely, very loosely. So I was “broken” by proxy, by the enablers that disabled me (ex teachers/paras case managers, DSPs, other managers and those case managers in adult ages.) When you are delegitimized in a small group, and if you can’t fit into a small community, let alone a larger community.

Yet our media, our institutions or worse the community are saying nothing about ASD, and even if they, it’s just passive. The lifestyle is horrible, even for a higher functioning.

The only way to reverse the damage, is NOT self-love, I do not believe that at all. The only way to treat the hopelessness is someone with a big heart that with expectations yours truly would return the favor. I don’t know why I have not found that person yet. CPTSD or not, or trauma wounds or not. I felt my depression and sadness was state not just trait, but that if the state anx/depression went down, then things would’ve turned around for the better, but yet again fucking COVID19 just had to make my life a living hell.

If you can’t even cultivate your own community, hell if I can’t even find self employment because my social network is so brittle, and any attempts to go back to the job market, and hell if I can’t even feel confident to go into college, how can everyone with autism say it’s a blessing and an entirely a gift, that even a higher function guy can’t even function?

I don’t think even for a higher functioning autistic, there is no way to recover.

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“I’d Rather Have 10 Meaningful Friends Than…”

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20 to 25 acquaintances that claim to “always be there”.

I have roughly 36 contacts, they are all professional. I lied there’s 1 or 2 that’s it! To establish LTRs for friends in my life has been a challenge, and even though it’s always been perceived as my fault, there’s nuances that show the other side is worse than a stereotypical autistic.In fact I’ve had more “narc” friends than I have with people who were truly empathic. By the way “narc” that rhymes with “mark” just the diff is there’s an “N” that is short for narcissists.

These are the people I didn’t ask to to be in my life, but these are the groups of people I have no choice being around. I don’t get why narcs are drawn to us. Are we easy bait?

Acquaintances are not as flexible as what friends are. Acquaintances lack the ability to be casssh, and “Facebook-friends” are just no different, worse they are sucking your vulernabilities you post on the platform; as a feedback loop for their own empowerment, that you’re not allowed to have. “Friends” can have deeper meaning, because apparently “autistics can’t have nice things“, the running issue is I can’t seem to get a lucky break in the last decade.

All this shit that people like to preach about the “true meaning” of friends, I’ll say this, I will refuse to listen to advice ever again to any “expert” who thinks they know everything about my condition. For this kind of stuff to continue to circulate with thousands of more narcs continuing to rape the system; the only way to recover is to identify who you’re looking for and that’s the only way to get out.

People may say Laconia is closed, but Laconia still to this day exists in a more worse fashion, through being isolated, clients being routinely gaslit, and being forced to be seen and not heard in the so-called “community“. And all I can say is, just look at the hundreds of post from the last decade and not deny that what I say can be at least 49% true…No. Well GTFO this page then!

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Afterthoughts From the Last Day Program (The Narcissists)

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On March 13th, 2020, on my full day of my 33 years of existence at the time, would be my last scheduled day at my day program, because of the COVID pandemic. I do not know my official last day was on the books. My mother being, nice-gal had paid the program for March, even when we did not receive a monthly progress note. My preferred DSP’s last day would also be on Friday the 13th.

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What’s the Worse Run-in with Admission to Little Expierences?

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A job interview or a first date? I had doubted this in a DM on Instagram approx mid winter to a well-known broadcast journalist in re to mental health.

I’d say the latter, because with a job interview there is legal obligations to not judge someone with limited experiences (or let me just say… they can’t say it out loud.

The first date is actually the worse, because they can react, they can basically walk away in midst. Who knows. Since it’s not politically correct to say that women are easily triggered now, they don’t tolerate any type of man anymore. Women want perfection, they can drive themselves, they can be self sufficient financially, etc. They don’t want a mama’s-boy even if the individual wants to break those chains.

Um yeah… just make sure you keep your autism in check, and not say the first date is actually the first, because that would make your pervasive condition even more obvious. The dream-girlfriend figure whose all open and caring is no longer the standard.

Lacking Emotional Regulation (Surrounding People)

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I am not allowed to be sad, not because of my autism, because it’s too-much for the people in my life.

I do not like to be depressed either, but sadly since my late teens, I have not been allowed the chance to emote properly. The highest range is happiness, and the lowest range is mildly sad. If I have long face, that sends triggers to the mama-bear who feels a need to “fix” the problem to make her feel better. Because the old woman cannot distance herself from the lower thresholds of emotion, I cannot be sad. And if I am sad, she becomes sad.

So sadly, I have been stoic for the last two years in an unique way. I am gracefully being happy while so much shit has been falling to the fan behind me. My mother prides on a quote from a no-name author with zero credentials of “Your only happy if you have the happiest child”, some random BS like that. And being the only child, just makes that pressure even worse, and the mother who can’t sympathize with the autistic child, I mean hierarchal autistic child, doesn’t get it and she refuses to understand.

I know i have a survival rate of 2 years if SHTF, but it has not been tested for a really bad recession (of which I had been calling since 2019) to follow a pandemic. I do not care how my mother wants to spin a version of reality, I want to be able to feel the way I need to feel, and my mother wants to project arrogance (masqueraded as “pride” – of everything’s chill.) At this point the ol woman is acting like a notorious abusive man.

The inability to have proper emotional control has made the situation inherently worse than like any child of any age, to have the self trademarked feelings of present events. To dismiss and project, is basically gaslighting. And if my mother is wondering why my contact has been limited, to even in some instances no-contact while living 24x7x365 for the last couple of years, her brused ego has gotten in the way for me to process the emotions I want to process.

I do not sense any level of recovery anytime soon. I think the best days of my life have passed by me by pure maternal politics and unreasonable control over autonomy and the only way to grieve is silence. Then she wonders why I am so quiet, but the moment I start talking, she goes back to the projection, unhealthy optimism and poor feedback when it comes to empathy.

As my mother would say (and I never use this personally) I cannot win.

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