Death & Taxes (and burdons)

Recently, another family member that I mentioned early on in the YouTube days, passed away in August.

That family member was buried at the same cemetery as my grandmother, more on how and why that drama is sad is for another day.

However because the spouse and son plus the fiancee, counting my gram and nana and great grandpa, the space that claimed to hold ten, that the headstone engravers claim 8, is now down to 2 or 4 more.

Again the lone 37 year old in the lowest root of the hierarchy is feeling the emotions. The family member with a mental health now an early state dementia is unclear where they’re going to be buried. My mother wants to be buried with her mother.

My mother does not have a will yet, and my concern is that won’t happen; not that I want her inheritance but all the strings attached to my services not just my benefits. In order for that to work properly having the funds be in a trust instead, she needs three trustee types. Well those people aren’t that young either. One couple I do not trust, which is her fundamentalist friend; where her static world-view is on IDD is pretty much preset with no ability to gently challenge.

As I hear this stuff, I get anxious. Not having a disaster recovery plan a year ago, should’ve been a wakeup call. In fact loosing Gram was a disaster. I also temporarily lost benefits due to a misunderstanding on my mother’s end that caused the case to close as gram’s health was declining. Ironically, I would get a backpay of nearly two months, and screw up the Social Security, which lead that to ups and downs.

The benefits is one thing, the other was not having food to eat for a while. These were the nightmare scenarios I was freaking out several years before, fearing I wouldn’t have hands to hold when everything would crash!

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Afterthoughts From the Last Day Program (The Narcissists)

On March 13th, 2020, on my full day of my 33 years of existence at the time, would be my last scheduled day at my day program, because of the COVID pandemic. I do not know my official last day was on the books. My mother being, nice-gal had paid the program for March, even when we did not receive a monthly progress note. My preferred DSP’s last day would also be on Friday the 13th.

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Lacking Emotional Regulation (Surrounding People)

I am not allowed to be sad, not because of my autism, because it’s too-much for the people in my life.

I do not like to be depressed either, but sadly since my late teens, I have not been allowed the chance to emote properly. The highest range is happiness, and the lowest range is mildly sad. If I have long face, that sends triggers to the mama-bear who feels a need to “fix” the problem to make her feel better. Because the old woman cannot distance herself from the lower thresholds of emotion, I cannot be sad. And if I am sad, she becomes sad.

So sadly, I have been stoic for the last two years in an unique way. I am gracefully being happy while so much shit has been falling to the fan behind me. My mother prides on a quote from a no-name author with zero credentials of “Your only happy if you have the happiest child”, some random BS like that. And being the only child, just makes that pressure even worse, and the mother who can’t sympathize with the autistic child, I mean hierarchal autistic child, doesn’t get it and she refuses to understand.

I know i have a survival rate of 2 years if SHTF, but it has not been tested for a really bad recession (of which I had been calling since 2019) to follow a pandemic. I do not care how my mother wants to spin a version of reality, I want to be able to feel the way I need to feel, and my mother wants to project arrogance (masqueraded as “pride” – of everything’s chill.) At this point the ol woman is acting like a notorious abusive man.

The inability to have proper emotional control has made the situation inherently worse than like any child of any age, to have the self trademarked feelings of present events. To dismiss and project, is basically gaslighting. And if my mother is wondering why my contact has been limited, to even in some instances no-contact while living 24x7x365 for the last couple of years, her brused ego has gotten in the way for me to process the emotions I want to process.

I do not sense any level of recovery anytime soon. I think the best days of my life have passed by me by pure maternal politics and unreasonable control over autonomy and the only way to grieve is silence. Then she wonders why I am so quiet, but the moment I start talking, she goes back to the projection, unhealthy optimism and poor feedback when it comes to empathy.

As my mother would say (and I never use this personally) I cannot win.

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Autism Awareness Month – the cloud of confusion of "labels"

I gotta run for dinner and a walk in my neighborhood after a busy day of getting IT stuff back online after some scheduled outages done today. However, I wanted to embed a video from a YouTube user on the never ending drama with the classifications of the ASD, Asperger Syndrome and High Functioning Autism. Now I don’t agree with some of his thoughts of what is considered with the respective disorders, he makes some strong points during the majority of the video.  Especially when one didn’t have a speech delay and they “automatically have Asperger’s”. It’s rather interesting YouTube piece that I strongly recommend.

Catcha later

Reflections of September 11th, 2001

September 11th, 2001 was one of the worst day the country had experienced. I would have to echo the same. I am going to keep this post to the point, but also be thoughtful.

1997
I went by New York City in 1997 when I went to New Jersey when my mother and her then boyfriend drove through The Bronx and Manhattan. We were going to Six Flags before the Western Mass one would open 3 or so years after. I remember when we tried to get back home (before that, we stopped at my aunts place in Connecticut) we took the wrong way and got off the GWB in Manhattan and I vaguely remember 5th Avenue, and for some reason I remember seeing the Statue of Liberty (however we were in Midtown, so I don’t know if that is true or not.)
2000
I did set foot a few years later on Labor Day weekend of 2000. I was in the whole Wall Street kick back then (and somewhat today even now I believe most of it is rigged.) We also went to Ellis Island and walked around the Statue of Liberty, although we didn’t go in there. I remember seeing the Twin Towers from the distance.
2001
On April Vacation of 2001, my mother and I went to Manhattan ourselves (we managed to get into The City courtesy of my aunt who lived at the time in the Tristate side of Connecticut during the several times we went there where we took the Metro North Rail into Grand Central.
My mother and I got tickets to see the Opening Bell of the start of the trading session at the New York Stock Exchange. However we missed it by a group or two. Regardless, I remembered seeing how dark the Exchange looked like without the magic of spotlights underneath the robotic camera lenses for the news organizations. The floor wasn’t that littered, since it was just past 9:30.  The next stop was we went into the World Trade Center into the lobby and trying to get to the Observation Deck. However with the deal-savy mother I have, there was a deal to go to all the three big skyscrapers (WTC, the Empire State Building and I forgot the 3rd.) Since we wanted to be more prepared we decided to do it another time.
That’s a true definition that there would not be another time.
When we went north into Midtown, after visiting the Nasdaq Marketsite, we noticed unusual security that was invasive at that time. (It was kinda like the post 9/11 security at that time, but only a few months before.) My mother and I were trying to figure it out when we went to lunch after.
Summer 2001
However, the story gets a bit heartbreaking for me. On the 4th of July week, my mother and I took a vacation to California to San Diego specifically Legoland. It was the first time I gone that far west in my lifetime. I remember how relaxed that week was. On our way back home, we had the plane almost to ourselves since people didn’t show up for their flights out of San Diego. We did land in Ohio before coming back to Manchester, which all I can remember we got home within the hour after the landing. For some reason I was very surprised that we were in and out. I also remember not having any jet lag (since jet lag happens when your body clock advances time.) I apparently adapted back to the Eastern Time very quickly.
You can the thought that I could had been a victim of that day since it was a couple months prior to the attack and one of those impacts was going cross country. That thought came to me a while after.
Labor Day Weekend 2001  Less than 2 weeks prior to September 11th
The next big trip was back to the NY/Tristate area that Labor Day weekend. My aunt was at the time dating a guy that worked for a large trading floor in Fairfield County, Connecticut. I was lucky that I got there in time to meet him and see the large floor with countless Bloomberg Terminals (boy was that fun!) Sun workstations, and everything else. However, that floor is a secured environment and he had to use his card to have the elevator go there and there was a security turnstall there as well. (Remember this was late August of 2001, just more than a week away from 9/11.)
We went to Manhattan the next day. My aunt didn’t want to go downtown for the reason that it being a warm, hot day that (allegedly) they do rolling blackouts on the subways which would get people stuck in the trains. I later believed it was likely an excuse to not go there. I never was able to see the complex that day.
I got the local tabloids on September 1st of that year and the stories of that day. It seemed to be a typical summer stories since after all it was Labor Day weekend.
September 11th, 2001
I remember the morning of 9/11 very vividly. I remember the morning’s stories, the economy was in the fritz for recession, the Chandra Levy love affair story (which I myself got hooked into) and anything else. I left to go to school at about 8:20. The school I was in was kind of a tough school, where lets be honest, where I couldn’t be the boss, or learn or do things that interests me, etc. I figured given their attitude to their students, that they kept zip quiet. No one mentioned anything to us till one of my staff came into the classroom at probably 10:30 and broke the news to us.
Honestly, I froze. When I heard of the World Trade Center, I thought of the Boston WTC since everything was slow for me to process. When I heard about planes flying around, I thought they were flying around the Eastern Rockingham County area. Because my staff was talking slow and I was trying to get answers in a spiffy manner, and after I thought or the mention of the Twin Towers, my soul immediately went into shock. This news came to me about the time after my mother called the school to ask if they had said anything to tell him since was there just in the last week. The school never dismissed us ether, probably since they thought it was a no-news for every other kid in the school and it wouldnt be important to them or whatever.
Trying to go onto any online source came up with an Error 404 since everyone was trying to get stories. The Internet experienced one of the most busiest days since by that time the Web became a serious medium of news, especially with the dynamic updates the sites could support. When I got home, I was watching every channel for their different reports.  And the era of the Big Media, most of the big media properties were sisters to the Big 3 Networks or cable news entities. Some did go off air to redirect viewers to their news outlets. And the radio markets I live in did the same thing wall to wall, and most of the local radio stations were brother stations to the all-news station or the talk radio station.
Post 9/11
I did go to The City 2 more times after, ether February or April Vacation and another Labor Day weekend with my mother as we strolled around Central Park and got a tour of NBC’s 30 Rock operations,etc. I also went to D.C. that following 4th of July and saw the side of the Pentagon that was getting ready to go back for business. My mother and I also went into the Monument that summer as well. I won’t ever forget that.
However post 9/11 was a different world. It changed my view of what America used to be and how the new America isn’t what I like.  I was 14 going on 11 (read a young 14 yead old) so my remaining innocence disappeared.   I would then go and spend the rest of my high school career in Massachusetts, a state known for its far anti American liberalism, where I saw my school take away the Pledge of Allegiance in only a few months. The work around was to do it by ourselves without the help of the paging of our phone system.  A few years prior to Obama being elected, a gut was telling me that someone needed to show more love to this country. That was also the same time I went to more sporting events.  I had felt more proud when I would hear the National Anthem, I felt like it was something missing for quite a while.
There were 3,000 lives that were gone in the 3 locations that day and its very sad to see people dying from the worst kinds of disater to happen. However they did luck out. It could had been a lot worse. I remember hearing from Neil Cavuto last September 10th mentioning there was a late game in The Bronx that the Yankees went to almost midnight, and some people were going to sleep in and go to work about 9:00 the latest. Also I will remember that it was a nice, late summer day. Many people ether took the day off, or went on vacation or whatever else. The complex would hold a daytime population of 50,000.
It was a very sad day on Sunday. I remember just being quiet and just having a sad look. I did have that sick feeling to my tummy on Thursday and Friday but I felt probably shocked. I felt the towers falling down was not only people gone but the country was we knew it. I don’t like how its been changed today, because I think the attacks created a new generation of people and all that crazy Wall Street stuff that got into that mess in 2008 probably took off after that in my observation. The City got more European thanks to the countless elections of Micheal Bloomberg. I have seen in pictures how yuppie it has looked. All those white painted lofts with simple looking office spaces and people with yuppie looks. I don’t remember that being the whole look of New York.
I won’t ever forget that day. It impacted me in so many ways as you have just read.