Tag Archives: Christmas

Leave the ship…because the family is refusing to course-correct

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I am sorry that my grandmother died, but after yet another subdue Christmas, and instead of celebrating what my grandmother wanted, the old woman preferred to be sad. Both of us have gotten really sick (wether it’s COVID or not it’s unclear) so that level of static uncertainty, of a borderline personality life is more complex than the people I’m dealing with.

To prevent holiday anxiety, my mother has taken the Twelve Days Of Christmas, (meaning when you look at the letter of the word, of, means following December 25th.) Great idea, but can we at least have one year of a Christmas, and even make it somewhat positive of what my grandmother would want? Normalcy is the part to recovery. Granted, I am told repeatedly people grieve in their own ways, and yes, my mother will probably be randomly triggered for the most random reasons, because she lived her live randomly to date. And if I get reflection of her on that, that would be a nice step forward in each other’s lives!

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Christmas, part two

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Christmas is a hard thing for me to understand. My autism doesn’t help manners. Part of it is I wasn’t exposed to faith and religion at an early age. Another part is my difficulties of relationships, especially to family.
I’ve mentioned earlier today that I’ve had family issues in recent years relevant to Christmas. Another part of me is I can’t turn-off things i.e. “letting troubles be out of sight”* I also believe given my my strong emotional bond with my mother makes anything tick. I find such chemistry has made our relationship even more difficult. Such emotional similarities would not be an ideal match for any other relationship.
*verse of “Have Yourself A Merry Christmas”
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On top of that, I’m just struggling through life almost being unemployed for 5 years straight and now mounting concerns for me to get that new annual contract for certain services where there is more goals compliance and accountability on my end and I can’t just shut it off on one day.
I think being an adult is the worst feeling to have. I don’t see really anything good out of it other than I have a teensy bit of freedom (i.e. unemployed for almost 5 years) and just having the time to yep about my frustrations of life.
I’ve lost the meaning of Christmas. After what happened to me personally to the last 9 months of this year and seeing the elections going the wrong way and seeing the economy stalling for another 4 years and seeing how social media, “the cloud” and iDevices killing possibly U.S. I.T. or even service jobs, makes me just feel even worse. Going back to micro-view, I feel looking forward,  I just don’t see any future for any new relationships. I may get a job and seek professional relationships, and getting a job and maybe loose some services (the system for special needs is totally fucked up here in the States – I’ll leave that part out.)
On top of that, I don’t see any future for “friends” or even a girlfriend. Remember, I live in a suburban area of Boston, and often its a bunch of rich brats or anyone that is underage, since there are so many school age people who live around here. And if there are people my age, then they are like my cousin, taken and happily married. There aren’t that many single 25 year olds – lets be frank. All the good looking (read: bad ass girls) are taken, the not so pretty live with their parents, and the truly loving and caring girls are extremely rare.  I’m looking into taking an indefinite break of dating and going into relationships, something that was in place since birth, if you really think about it.
This is coming on the heels as allegedly the world is supposed to end tomorrow. Its all over cable TV right now of the fear of it. I’ll say this I was born on the 12th, my worst years of my life were 12 and 21 and 2012 wasn’t the best year ether. I hope nothing severe happens in my area in the event of a disaster.
But I’ll say this – my life is over. Whether or not I die or not, my life is figuratively dead. There is no way to revive. I was pronounced dead back earlier this year. 2013 and onwards is going be a challenge, and something I have to do, but maybe it won’t be as painful. Maybe its a sign that I won’t have to endure pain as being someone that has a “disability” that only a “doctor” with a PhD degree can treat. Maybe I’ll get paralyzed, and maybe that will be the best moment in my life (as fucked up as it is) and actually have empathy of the masses for the first time. Maybe there will be friends and a possible girlfriend and maybe a future wife that would love me for who I am, since again a disability is typically not observed by society as something in the brain.
Whether or not the world ends tomorrow, I will put more resources into this blog. My plan is to decode what I had experience for relationships and again analyze it. Sadly, I am not getting those beloved search terms like “can autistic people fall in love” “why don’t autistic people fall in love” “could I date someone with autism”. Oh, I make that up with my experiences of ignorant people not wanting to date someone like me.
Well hopefully, I’ll see you people tomorrow. Bye!

Christmas

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I’ve lost my love for Christmas.
I’ve lost it not for reasons like loosing beliefs on various parts of the holiday, its the troubles of understanding the real meaning because of the collapse of my world of relationships.
Let’s start with the family aspect. My family has collapsed under my watch since my younger days, and the days where I was living in a very narrow world. At a young age, I’ve witnessed my family’s depression, the divorce of my maternal grandparents, and my other parts of my family causing “drama” to the most severest degree. I do not want to go into further details, to protect my family’s innocence, and to not dare I say exploit them, and to keep my identity private, if I give more hints.
Regardless, as we have closed that chapter of our lives, it’s still bothersome.
Friends. Now Christmas time isn’t all about family, (although if I was a real practicing Christian, I’d assume it would be at least 99% family focused) but it could be about friends. As I mentioned on this blog before, I’ve dealt with over a couple years of having to sort out the remaining social circle from high school that has been dormant in my life since. I will say my social circle has been very small, and was known to be vulnerable due do the size and my emotional, developmental and social dysfunctions. With that being said, having to deal with a constant change of people coming and going out of my life has made it even more tougher. This is a known fact for people with ASD that they can’t stand constant changes in the social world.
I feel very alone, and I feel so disconnected than ever before in my life. Now, as I said earlier, I know I need to change different things in order to be likeable. But I do understand giving how different I am, and a “true friendship” requires common goals, ideals and beliefs. If I can’t meet those points, then I am doomed to failure, which is why I have attempted by the beginning of next year to avoid social contact.
The faith is another component of the frustrations of the understanding of the holiday. I’ve lost faith with god and christ as time went on. As I noticed disasters occurring in various parts of the world, I started to come to a conclusion that God was attempting to terrorize the respected locations. My mother is a “born again Christan” and such beliefs have caused gridlock to agreement. My mother has said that God does not do such things (one example was the first-known earthquake I had experienced in October.) With such disagreement, I’ve kinda kept religion as a taboo subject with my own mother! I feel the devil had created me, and why would god create misfits of such number (if you believe the Centers for Disease Control’s figures of 1 and 88 children) and why is there a higher number for boys? Does god have  something against boys and men? I’m skeptical, I feel like I am under siege, even if not me by-name, but generically being targeted.
The last part is this secular, agnostic, Switzerland nation we are becoming. The War on Christmas has been a haughty issue for quite a while now. I’ve gotten into intellectual arguments about taking away Christ into Christmas, especially in the publicly funded school systems. The States have become an apologist for the minorities, and instead of integrating the Jewish, and now the large growing Hindu religions, we have ether done a zero-tolerance (aka reversed-hate speech) against the Christan population by a) having just a “holiday party” or in some locales, celebrate all other minority holidays and zero-out Christmas entirely. First Grade in 1993, was the only time I had remembered both a Christmas and a Hannakuah party or celebrations. That is what one would call “diversity”.
I’ve learned that “Holiday” isn’t just a Holy Day (as the word derives from) but its a word to sound more sophisticated – ala sounding sexy, because the European movement has sadly gone west to America.  Of course, there has been a lot of outrage for using “Happy Holidays” during Christmas, but I’ve noticed as early as 5 years ago, that this cancer has spread over to the Thanksgiving holiday. I would be asked, “how was your holiday”, instead of “how was your Thanksgiving?”  I’ve find it more offensive using Holiday for a reference for Thanksgiving.
I am not the most religious person around, but it is sad that the minority of a group of hard working people, who would rather work almost every day out of the year, and a bunch of hateful crybabies would take away a TRUE holiday and ruin it for the rest of the population. Say what you want about the summertime, people take time off here and there, but no place totally shuts down like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and in the olden days New Years. Having a whole village shut down for a day, give an illusion that it is a day of rest from the daily routine. Typically I don’t watch much TV such as news (since I could watch it for the other 365 days)  or sports (since pro football has one primetime game that night and hockey takes the holiday and basketball does nothing for me) and typically I’d watch a movie or two. The radio stations play Christmas music all day long with limited commercials during the peak hours, and I’m with the family during the whole day.
I’d be really disappointed if Thanksgiving will be taken away as a true holiday and obviously Christmas as time goes on.
These thoughts is how the crippling self  perceives the slow coming of a crippling holiday

Merry Christmas! *sarcasm*

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Earlier this afternoon, my day went to hell.
It started this morning, when the mother noticed something on the table. Apparently I am a messy person, or I should admit I am a messy person. Sometimes I don’t clean off the table like I should. In anyway, I felt offended.
My mother was away for today and she came home, and I was still moody because I am tired of being criticized for sustaining a messy dining table, even when I am TRYING to do better, something of which I never get any praise for.
I got impatient after being criticized, and I threw a cardboard file box across the living room floor. I also threw a few uncontrollable f-bombs, but I was really getting offended by being criticized again and again.
At the same time, we were attempting to set up the Christmas Tree. If it weren’t for my mother’s statements this morning, we wouldn’t gotten into a swearing match, dropping things and having to restrain my mother from not throwing the Christmas Tree outside and making a scene in the neighborhood.
I admit, I’ve learned bad anger management skills from my mother.
We made an agreement when we moved over to the new house, we wouldn’t be in such high stress level compared to living at my grandmothers, she’ll be moving in the coming months, and she gets scared by our high strung arguments.
I think the problem is a relationship is broken and it is beyond repair -and it has been that way for a long time. This story doesn’t end yet
Meanwhile as this hell erupted, I have a meeting next week for planning next years services. My mother wants to kick me out and live on housing. Something I do not want to do. I don’t want to live in cheapass housing, and having the fear of the apartment burning down because some retard did something he wasn’t supposed to do. I live in Greater Boston, and you need to make at least $30,000 to live in some decent apartment. My mother has on and off this idea of moving out. For a long time she wanted out, but that was before she bought a house.
I had said on a number of occasions that I wished I was never born, and earlier on today that I wanted to put a noose over my neck. Those two statements I still defend. I have no idea how the world would be if I didn’t exist. I think about that alot. I don’t see the importance of my existence sometimes. My mother threatened me if I made another statement, she would put me to the psycho ward. And where I live, police officers bring people to the psych ward, since in my state it is illegal to kill yourself, and I guess if I attempt to do that, I violate state law. Well I’m surprised there hasn’t been a New Hampshire law prohibiting autistics to exist in this state – at least not yet. If society had it their way, they would make it illegal to have autism.
My mother has made mistakes in my upbringing. I’ve not said that explicitly here; nor do I choose blame her for her mistakes.  I know I’ve made mistakes too. Though in the last few months I’ve heard various “statements” that shes said about my upbringing that was very hurtful to me. I can’t think of examples, and I will not disclose this on this blog. Such statements, I wouldn’t even thought of.
Our relationship has been endanger for quite a while now. The last time housing brought up was in August, during a very stressful time. Christmas is depressing and the regular stress has just increased. I’ve lost faith of higher power, since those same higher power have terrorized my area on a number of occasions the last few years.  I strongly believe in the devil.
If you are ignorant about ASD or autism, if you read the beginning, you may think I am a jerk, well what really bothers me is why are the real jerks not getting punished? Some of these self-absorbed morons  are my family! Such actions have occurred during this time of year. My existence to date, I’ve seen my family fall apart, and some believe that family is more important than friends, but I don’t like how small my family is now.
Another thing that very few people know about is my father, someone who I don’t even know! I’ve heard bits and pieces since I was 15. It was then I found out I was missing something else. My classmates in middle school were the inappropriate group that had brought this attention to me. And as time has gone on, I am feeling more and more that I should had a father, well what did my mother know when she had me at 16? Apparently my mother was under the impression her first love would be the one that lasted forever, and such young ignorance turned out to be quite different. My mother has said he was “verbally abusive” and explained details about that description.
I don’t know if I am better off without him or not. What I do know is my life is ending. There is no hope going forward. The amount of stupid people has made my future looking bleaker. I am planning going into 2013 (if I’m not lucky to die before then) to work, and be a fucking slave, and working my ass off (at least 20 hours a week) and get a paycheck and hopefully it won’t screw up my benefits because my services require a form of Medicaid for them to provide services and live on my own, since my mother has said we might have a better relationship not being closely together. Of course, the pursuit of romance will have to be crossed off depending on the housing, I can’t have her come over. Let alone how there are so many Valley Girls in my area, they are very narrow minded people, they only want a man with money and that can drive. I can’t drive because there so many self-absorbed Boston drivers on the local highways!
I don’t belong here. I shouldn’t be posting this story at all. Given how my mother has admitted at failure of being a better mother, there really is no need for this blog huh? I’m hoping I can exit out with grace from all the alleged mistakes I and my old and current support team and my mother has made.
And they say that autism isn’t caused by lack of empathy from the mother, or a mothers parenting style? That’s a lie, they don’t want to offend the mother. Apparently my mother has made so many mistakes, that lead for me to explain this.
I do know one thing for sure, I don’t care about love anymore. I understand that love should be a dirty word. Its a bad word. Hate is the new love in my opinion. Love has no meaning anymore generically and to my own personal situation. If I don’t understand my own relationship with my mother, and if I can’t grasp that, then how in the hell can I have any relationships?
Hence my title.