Tag Archives: crushes

Unrequited Love…

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Also known as, “limerence”, “infatuations” or just “having-a-crush”

They say one way relationships is better than none. I still agree to that. Even if it’s unhealthy. Even if it’s self-destructive (hell since that is an autistic trait…I shouldn’t be surprised!) Even if it makes you feel worse. At least you had the audacity to show some respect and the other was a jerk about it. Well into my thirties, and still feeling like I am in the world of A Puzzling View – but of course I apparently made choices – and so I must take responsibility of being single forever.

But don’t let a boy stop from staring through a glass of his pretty girl whose as plastic as a mannequin literally admiring her inner beauty as her outside is just as attractive. She’s so heartless she won’t even notice someone is staring at her with admiration!

Video: Retaliation of Infatuations

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This JCPenney advertisement from at least 9 years ago (I found this online in recent years) featured an innocent girl probably no older than a fifth grader. She secretly puts the initials of her name and her crushes on a piece of paper (yup this was the days way before the iPad and the MacBook was just on the market eclipsing the PowerBook) and even in old medium would someone be afraid to have the crush come back to crush them.

Throughout the then 60 second spot, the scribbles disappeared from the paper, and moved on to her desk, then onto the chalkboard and girl tried to cover up the doodle. The girl for the right reasons became paranoid throughout. The message moved from the locker room, to a bulletin board, to the cafeteria where she would then see the scribble once again near the boy of interest, and plop onto the cafeteria table and try to cover it up as the boy moved her hand and both would smile.

Yours truly could relate to this story up till about the 45 second mark. Crushes in the last few years I’ve kept under secret. I’m too afraid to tell anyone about any feelings of any girl that I’ve previously liked. It’s even too risky to put it on paper because I fear something like this would happen in real life. Children are often teased about infatuations, but when one is hitting 30 in a year, the rules are much different, and more against me.

So yeah, my lips are sealed.

Birds and the Bees

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I am not a kind of guy who likes to talk “dirty” subjects. I am not kind of guy who acts childish if someone had put a penis into a vagina and laughs about it. I am also a guy who would never talk vulgar to his peer gal friend. I’d never use phrases like “boner” even if its in the common lexicon of the twentysomethings.
I find the subject on sex a very scared subject and a very intimate manner. It’s to the point where I was very hesitant of learning sex from my mother.  I felt like it was very controversial over graphic nature to talk about it. My sex ed IQ might be much lower, though I know the basics about it.
I also don’t talk about it to my primary care doctor (or PCP in the health insurance lingo.) He’s kinda like a brotherly figure, similar to a guy who used to work at my school, but that relationship never went beyond that. (Albeit he left the school the same year his father passed away, which I think messed him up seriously for many years.)  That same guy I felt comfortable talking about, like girls. I know that boundary is very thick to women of course. Even if I am not that close, I do have concerns about my sexual health, but I have kept it secret for so long. At this point, it might not be worth it to mention given how long I have not mentioned about a specific personal issue with me.
However I have stayed away talking about girls to my mother, more in the last couple of years. That has been a sacred subject to the point I built a Chinese firewall. Often it was the SSDD,  same stuff, different day. Another was to migrate any teasing. Also crushes – isn’t that expected for teenagers? Sometimes if a girl at a specific time of my life that was such prevalence, I would bring it up to my mother.  Often I keep that a separate and personal issue.
Presently there was a girl at the local grocery store who works as a cashier that I started to have feelings. Why? Because she shows at least some, some interest (i.e. acknowledging my presence in a friendly way.) I wanted to go on specific days or shifts to see her. At the last time I have seen her was probably a month ago. The last 2 weeks, I had to compromise with my mothers schedule. It might had been one week, but I was trying to push one of the last few weeks.
I’ve tried to keep this crush as secret as possible. Yes, I find her cute, and not only that, it’s because she’s friendly. You don’t see that anywhere south of the Pemigwasett River and north of the I-93/95 split and west of I-91 in Mass. I’ve said this before, you can’t get away from the snobby brats that have infested Central New England.
I’ve learned that in this lawyered up, cry baby,  ambulance chasing society that people don’t comment on speculation, such as if companies are merging, and rumor against a company or person or something else that isn’t based on pure fact. I personally build myself on being the most complaint individual in society with the strongest moral and ethical, and compliance standards. So with that, I find crushes in a legalese way of “speculative relationships“. Isn’t a crush something of a grey manner? Would it destroy your reputation, or the other girl’s reputation? If yes to both of those questions, then it would be some form of a speculative relationship. Therefore, I shouldn’t have obligation to disclose that i am going to the local grocery store at a specific time, because I want to see my crush (even if she probably is a trashy girl off the clock) and any admission could destroy my relationship or hers. (albeit, a “crush” is a one way relationship.)
Again, back to the subject in hand, it is important for me to have a firewall between my different people in my life in terms of sex and specific details about romance. Sex to me is a personal, very sensitive issue. Some times the thought is very glamorous, sometimes its just too graphic and literally messy.  All this of course based on just opinion and not fact.  I’ve asked my self so many questions about sex, and I’ve mentioned this prior to in the “Slutty In the Head” theme.
I am a little more open here, because I try to talk about the subject manner with proper class and respect on the issue. Part of it is because I find it a serious manner, than something more casual. It might be because I am a serious guy,

Socialization with Strangers and the Usual Failiures

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This is yet another problem I have struggled (maybe others can relate.) You try to go out to public places (retail, restaurants, etc.) and the objective is to socialize with a stranger.  The problem is when you realize there is an opportunity, you just immediately fumbled the football.
This problem can be one or more of the following:

  • You were trained as a child, and in your late teens to not talk to strangers
  • You were told to not give out your number, as some girls/guys could consider it stalking
  • You are insecure of yourself
  • You are afraid to divulge too much  information
  • You are afraid to damage such low level relationship

This has happened on several occasions within the last 3 months. One was at the local fast foot joint, where I have a “fake” ID badge.  Its not that fake, I had a IT services operation and while it wasn’t incorporated legally, but I wear it with an accompanied lanyard  to look like I was “busy”. But I didn’t take the business seriously for reasons not worth going. The guy asked me how was “work”? I fibbed and said “good”. For all I know, he was just doing his own personal SOP of being nice to the customers.
Another case was I went to a mall store around the time when the Boston Bruins was in the Stanley Cup, so sometime within the last month. I was wearing my Bruins hat, and the girl at  this store was complementing me about my hat, while I was in the store she essentially was flirting with me and asking me if I was excited about the series. I came off like I was a “casual fan” when in fact I am a true fan. For all I could say in return in complete sentences was that I told her I liked her belt she was wearing and how sexy it looked.
And most recently, a cashier at the local grocery store had shown interest in me. No, not romance or crushes, but just an acknowledgement in a friendly way of my presence. (If you know what I mean, you understand what I had to deal with for many years.) The last time I saw her was about a few weeks ago, because I have missed her on her shifts in the last 3 weeks. Its rare for a grocery store let alone the Northeast where someone is friendly with their customers and not rush to put the pizza in the same bag as the chicken. The problem is how can I go that next step into the “small talk”. I’m not like an Asperger type where I hate it, its really how to execute it, and how could I ask her out (if that’s even possible.)
I seem to never find the right time to act when I have an opportunity to interact with the outside world without having much fear. The problem for me is how chronic this social anxiety almost literally  freezes me up without getting cold hands or feet.
I think it comes from my upbringing of low self esteem, a lack of confidence of my professional interactions, and just the baggage of carrying my autism and all the negativity that the disorder has been wrongfully portrayed in the public.

$ and Female Attention

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It’s that time of the year where I need to close out the previous fiscal reporting year of my finances. Depending on what accounts I have, I close it at the end of February or the end of May. Some of this reporting is for annual audits for some of benefits I receive.
Regardless, I put the various accounts in separate piles the scan them into a large PDF file then I send it to my mother for her responsibilities.
Last year, I’ve gone out a lot such as restaurants and fast food joints and many, upon MANY trips to the local Dunkin Donuts, where there I had a crush on one of the girls who worked there. That particular shop closed recently and I don’t know where she was reassigned or left the franchise.
I do know I have many of those receipts in the last 13 or so months. On top of that, factored in the other trips like the pizza joints before I was turned off by one girl that worked at that place where Facebook profile showed party girl status and another girl at another joint appeared to be married, and a little snooty too and the other usual places as well.
I wrote earlier last year about the possible cost of trying to get a girl to like me. This liability also had extended in my general expenses (Gen Ex) such as the local used book store (where that girl was allegedly in a relationship with a bf according to her Facebook profile) the local Savers, often getting things to basically just to hit on them which 99% of the chances were slim to none.
2012 was a year where my spending was totally out of control – only to impress them with zero outcomes.
I’ve never told anyone about my hidden agenda, and previously I had mentioned the possible costs. At that time, I knew I was a little excessive and now I’m seeing the actual damage.
The financial impact of trying to get some acceptance to society can be very costly, and what’s so sick is this can be prevented if people stop making developmentally disabled people being targeted as looser, or ghetto creeps or a looser living in his mother’s attic.
This year I have been more cautious in spending, coming to the realization that no one would want to be in a lifetime relationship of someone suffering with an autistic disorder.
*

No Girlfriend – No Problem!

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The beginning of the new year (well as early as late September, as I started the “Countdown”) was really a sigh of relief. I realized that the chances of me getting a girlfriend in the near to distant future was going to be pretty low odds. I really don’t see a future for me and romance.I just don’t see it.

While it is so painful dealing with the idea of being single, I’m finding it a good idea. I won’t have to worry about loosing my gf due to a big argument  I won’t have to worry about not getting AIDS or another STD, since the sex rates with the suburban girls are probably much higher than one thinks.

I won’t have to worry about getting distracted from the g/f, and I can continue to avoid from social situations since many 26 year olds are often taken, or in a committed relationship. And other 26 year olds often have gone to college, and I don’t.

I won’t have to worry about meeting various demands, since girls require a guy with a University education, and working for some large company taking home at least $45,000 after tax. I won’t have to feel so ashamed living with his mother as girls don’t want a “looser”.
It is best to stay single!

Slutty in the Head

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My mind can wander into the gutter, just like other guys as they can be visual and stuff like that.
I can get lusty thoughts up in my head. But of course, I have control my hormones because gawd forbid if I get a little frisky to a girl, then I have to worry about getting assaulted, etc.
Again it is a female majority, so we have to treat them as god, even though god is supposed to be a man. I have to give them high levels of respect.
Even when they dress trashy. We still have to treat them as queen bitches.
I get really offended from people like my mother who gets offended for me checking out a girl who clearly is doing it to get attention. My mother for maybe the rightful reasons has taught me to be “discrete” to visually look at a lady.

Continue reading →

Crushes, part two

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If there is a such thing as a relationship status called “crushes” then that’s the only closest relationship outside of my family.
Another word is infatuation, meaning one is foolishly in love with someone. Crushes are well known for someone with ASD, as in some cases
I’ve dealt with it since I was 12. Some of them were highly intense and caused mass devastation in the years that followed. And it can be severe.  In many cases with ASD individuals is teachers, since many students are male and are in a 98% male educational establishment. And of course we cannot date teachers as that is immoral and illegal even when you are in that gray years of 18 to 21.
But I’ve gotten a LOT of grief throughout the years of having a crush on somebody. If I can redact part of my past, I would, but you can’t fully redact history.
I’ve learned to gag myself about talking about crushes in order to protect my reputation, since I am one that gives a damn about his reputation. Obviously I try to not be as obvious, and I’ve learned to try to tone down my feelings. I don’t talk about, just like how I just mentioned (hence the “gag’), and I just zip it. I’m not a homosexual, but I observe the “don’t ask, don’t tell” practice. If someone asks me if I have a crush on someone, I don’t say just like I shouldn’t say I have a crush on somebody.
Why?
Because if I do, then the crush becomes one large superstorm and it just get out of control and then the storm comes by with shame, anger and guilt.
And sure people may pick on me as a form of admiration, but it has destroyed my reputation.
I always happen to like the wrong people, the ones who are married or “In a Relationship” or someone with kids. And I also apparently like to repeat history and never learn from my mistakes, since I keep having infatuations with different people. Maybe because I have been so accustomed to a one-way relationship and having the PDD label tattooed on my forehead that I feel that will be the only relationship I can have, even if its strongly unhealthy.

Love is a Disease

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If there was a disease called “love” maybe it was a girl I liked who destructed one guy’s view on romance.
I don’t get what love is supposed to really  be.
image of "jessica" - the girl who ruined my heart
I shouldn’t even be wasting my time and resources and the small bandwidth and file size, but posting this picture of that “Jessica”* girl  is larger than life. I saw that in her back when I was 12 years old. I’ve been told to just forger her and pretend she’s dead.
*as much I don’t think she’s innocent, she deserves some level of a change of identity. I also “chyroned’ the crap of the image to prevent a potential  Catfish – even before I got addicted to that TV series
Well how am I supposed to let go of an alleged hot ticket Italian? Especially when there aren’t any other girl I knew from my local school that I had the same feeling.
RELATED: Meet The Girl who Ruined one’s Heart
This girl continues to haunt me even when I barely knew this girl! I don’t know much details other than her real name, her approximate age and lastly her current location of which she made public on her Facebook account, last seen in the summer of last year.
How am I supposed to overcome an attractive emotional monster?
This girl indirectly taught me what I felt was love and how she (there were other girls before and after that did similar but) damaged my soul. This girl was part of my 1999 collapse, the time of my middle school inexpierence, finding out of my autism, and starting to feel hopeless.
I was no angel ether!
I know I can’t fix the damage, I can only go forward, I know I know.
I don’t get it. Sometimes I get flashbacks, and chills down my spine.
Why do I love girls who are dare I say “virtual”?
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