Combined written WordPress of 13 + years of writing on ASD and the Granite State. Do not visit, Do not Move here, GTFO as I wish the Granite State to be cursed with Shame!
Editorial Note: I shouldn’t be sharing this, but obviously i am staying very generic as possible, to the point I am leaving state agencies out just so it doesn’t look so obvious. Second version corrects initial typos
Somewhere in the largest city today; we went to see my family member transitioning from mental health needs to early stage dementia. It has been one year since they were brought in, quasi voluntarily. Ironically this family member wanted to go to this facility prior to and was turned away within a month before.
Avoid is such a “favorite” word of mine, I like to attribute that hatred to people like the Ed Brouders of the world and other Propaganda Artists at the local police departments masquerading as “Public Information Officers” who order to media outlets to “avoid [a road]” instead of leaving the driver clueless and helpless to figure out an alternative route. Or my favorite one on NHDOT signage is “Expect Delays” – when and how long?
In fact I think that’s why New Hampshire is a dumpster fire, all the damaged children and adult females allow their trauma to replay, and as a result they threw it away and it makes this state stink so badly. I hate my state’s media because it always ties back to the Timesaving New Hampshire Traffic hits of “avoiding Route 3” without any way of learning how to get around it without telling you, because you should know anyways.
If you are familiar with domestic local media, Shadow Broadcast Services, better known as Shadow Traffic never used such language structures like the former WZID traffic hack. Their traffic reporters always gave you the alternative like holding ones hands without being so authoritative (again Brouder comes to mind YET again.) In recent years stations that used to use Shadow worked in-house at various media outlets around the country. one was New York’s WCBS 880 and their traffic reports in house till the format’s death on August 23rd would use phrase “I’d use the Holland instead” or “better off with using the Triborough” while media outlets closer to home will just say whatever social media feed tells them to repeat, and does WZID still have cell number for reporting traffic? I don’t think so.
Just as the standard FYI meets CYA: the opinions below are my own and not of those of family, and stands by of a strict no-family discussion in detail unlike the Age of Autism unless there is a justification
The fall solstice will mark the one year anniversary that my gram is no longer with us. I really kept things silent to let the thoughts marinate in my head before I start putting into words. Yes was I shocked at how quickly her health decelerated? Yes. Did I feel sympathetic during the early hours of her hospice care? Oh hell yea, I think her “restlessness” was her fighting to stay alive. Do I remember happier memories? Oh hell yeah, in fact it not even several weeks before?
I am struggling as a hierarchal child, again an adult child that has an expectation to out-do the parents of said child. I don’t think it’s appropriate to use the word “child” alone. Just look at the Murdoch clan, and how all the media writers call Rupert’s offsprings “his children”. People must be a real fool to believe that Lachlan and James are toddlers running News Corp or Fox Corp for that matter. Well that tells you right there that a) the kids;… I mean “children” are extensions of Rupert and are never going to be a reflection of his life.
The fawns from 88 South Road in Londonderry seem to shriek through my ears. My mother’s ego has been baked in as her being the primary caretaker because I am not able to be my own autonomous self.
It’s getting really sad as I get older this old woman just continues to treat me like a perpetual child. From excessive dialog. Having to “just”-ify things, come right upstairs to the kitchen to “investigate” some sound, and this horrible arrogance of taking control of things just to have domination because she’s insecure in other parts of her life. I am not diagnosing her, but I also suspect she’s a Highly Sensitive Person, where there’s constant self-surveillance, which sucks the people around her, who she feels she needs to “protect”
I got sick again for the second time in just over a couple months. I got infected late last Friday, and I’m still really tired and stuffy.
As it approached the fifth month of my grandmother passing away, there’s been more uncertainty. My mother has not taken the loss well. Some of her behaviors noticed early on she has apparently reflected on. One of the reasons why she said to me in direct phrase “been a homebody” was she was afraid of something happening to her and I’d be fully alone. She also doesn’t feel mother’s presence. She’s even contemplated selling the house.
My mother still hasn’t reached out for support from the hospice care. I did find things that would’ve been useful for her, but this is the hyper-strong female choses, is stubborn to try to grieve a bit more better. Instead, she results in other acquaintances acting as their therapist while my mother tells the complete play by play story including the hospice’s front desk lady’s name in her stories.
Her work environment is not that healthy either. A co worker whose got an annoying personality is becoming an injustice. My mother’s work ethic is her own curse. It’s hard for her to emotionally detach from. If the person has annoying personality, but is doing more worse stuff, annoying habits shouldn’t be the most outrage.
Later this month will mark the 6th month mark. I’m already preparing for the worse.
Thursday was wild. My mother went into a very mind numbing breakdown. On Friday she owned-up and recovered and we opened up. And she also even admitted selling the house because she sees my grandmother in the house still. By yesterday, my mother looked at the Lock Screen of me holding my grandmother in the hour or two following her passing.
She as a bit erratic last night. Today, as well-anticipated Super Bowl is near, my mother is binge watching CSI (ironically that takes place in Las Vegas).) Just before 1:00 was there anything on the on screen guide of any NFL Films documentaries of the two teams like would air when I would watch the Bowl for the Patriots. But when i tuned to CBS, I found a documentary on the history of their long time pre-game show The NFL Today. Well produced, I came right down at 1:05 to check and she had no interest when I came down the stairs in excitement, she thought it some real breaking news.
Because my mother’s lack of self regulation, we were supposed to play a board game and sure I could’ve checked in to be clear (and not assume, which is very signature of co-dependent relationships), but she looked like she wasn’t interested in that either.
I would excuse my mother, but if I was to quantify these episodes in the last 20 years, I’d go into the low four figures. To say I cannot be annoyed or inconvenienced at my age in my life would make the older people in my life a bit childish on their part. yes, my grandmother fucking died, and she was only in hospice for less than 72 hours. Sure the American healthcare system sucks, but does that mean that I am supposed to be subjected to already alleged-borderline personalities and the menopause factor?
It’s been only 20 or so weeks following the unfortunate, the sudden but slowed death of my loved one impacted me but you never hear me make it a justification of emotional unavailability. My mother isn’t home emotionally and the living room is also her bedroom for the forcesable future. A room where you can’t put your emotions at the door because that’s also where you sleep.
For those who are keeping tabs, she hasn’t seek out help. Relying on books and Meta fan pages to rationalize her grief, parasocial connections is helping her carry on as I still feel lonely going through this myself.
I am sorry that my grandmother died, but after yet another subdue Christmas, and instead of celebrating what my grandmother wanted, the old woman preferred to be sad. Both of us have gotten really sick (wether it’s COVID or not it’s unclear) so that level of static uncertainty, of a borderline personality life is more complex than the people I’m dealing with.
To prevent holiday anxiety, my mother has taken the Twelve Days Of Christmas, (meaning when you look at the letter of the word, of, means following December 25th.) Great idea, but can we at least have one year of a Christmas, and even make it somewhat positive of what my grandmother would want? Normalcy is the part to recovery. Granted, I am told repeatedly people grieve in their own ways, and yes, my mother will probably be randomly triggered for the most random reasons, because she lived her live randomly to date. And if I get reflection of her on that, that would be a nice step forward in each other’s lives!
On Wednesday, it marked the 3 month mark of my gram passing, and actually the 3 month mark fell on the same day of the week. I’ll refrain myself from using “13 weeks” as “13” was not her lucky number.
Just over a couple weeks taking a 2 night stay in Keene, my grandmother started to develop her issues that resulted her untimely death in late September. For more than 1/2 of August, she had stayed at the nearby hospital. The 2nd stay was for 2 straight weeks going into September. Then not only 4 days later, she got brought via ambulance, then was basically on her death bed, unbegntost to us, then about a week later (would’ve been a day earlier but due to the alleged storm that was Hurricane Lee, the homebound trip via a private ambulance, and little would I know that it would be three days later she’d be gone.
This narrative is not about my grandmother, but I am not also trying to come off as a victim or whining. This story is what happens when you have no one else to fall on, but then you become someone else’s “rock”, being the default manly figure, to a guy that’s already been depleted. Hence, why I refer this to being “on reserves”.
