Tag Archives: High Functioning Autism

The “Smart” Factor

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Discussing intelligence with me unlike the vast other autistics that can speak for themselves, is a touchy subject. I personally don’t think its anyone’s business to know what their IQ score is or what they know about or don’t know about.

I try to remain modest and keep my feet on the ground as I try to reach for the stars. Some won’t take the late Casey Kasem’s advice and go the polar opposite. I do not want to say I “play dumb” but I have to be honest: because if I am so good, am I too good to fail? I might me smart enough for college but may not be emotionally competent or have the stamina and drive due to meeting demands and having to explain my autism to every professor in the beginning of every class so I god forbid don’t be plastered as a fool.

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Health Issues of being a Hopeless Autistic

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Since my teenage years, my health resulted in two major issues (since resolved)

  • Severe acne, (due to a large dairy intake), which resulted in migrating away from day to day dairy intake, to the infamous acne medication which can cause massive issues if you accidentally knocked up a woman (which I’m forgetting the name and the FDA program for a moment)
  • A case of an underbite. My mother has kicked herself for not addressing the problem sooner, and this also caused my teeth to be worn because of grinding at night. Regardless, we waited to get a mouth guard till I went on a surgery that moved my upper jaw forward along with a second round of braces. This also rebooted my confidence and gave me a smile that people remember me when I was younger. The underbite (or TMJ) made my face look very different. While the surgery was for substance, not worrying about “jaw clicking”, etc., this was necessary.

Both cases were from my father’s genes/side of the family. I’m not going to finger this on the father I have no idea who the hell he is, and not the diet, that is stereotypical autistic diet, but more of what happened in 2004 to 2008.

I was on some medications I shouldn’t had been on to begin with. The medications caused me more anxiety and paranoia, that I feel had a contributing factor to why I was not developing like my other teenage peers. The fear of messing up, the fear of being targeted for mistakes, the fear of being a creep among remaining in one piece for 7+ hours on weekdays factor in my legitimate case of autistic behaviors had perhaps 80% of the physical damage on both the acne and underbite – again even if it was genetic from my father. 

I’ve made a lot of notes from recollection of those painful years (in some cases the worst years of my younger adult life) to convert that energy from pain to preventable measures. And those doctors are well aware of that.

Where I am going at is despite all the analytical gathering I’ve complied and made conclusions; of if I changed my diet, laid off medications, and alike, that I wouldn’t be where I would become. No, I do believe a very oppressive, and depressive support system, that was “support” in legal name only had a lot to do with my regression. (And no, I’m not talking about just the regression of my first 16 months out of school ether.)  I’m almost as smart, bright or functioning as some of my peers of 10 years ago today. I could’ve had a brighter future if it weren’t for being in a system where people had no business working in.

These treatments were very expensive and luckily my mother’s healthcare plan had me in the system because of my “pre existing conditions” that basically, in my mothers recollection began months after birth.

Estimates of an autistic’s lifespan for services and medical expenses alike will average $2 to 3 million dollars. Do I want to be a million dollar man? No. If you put adequate supports with people who really mean what they are doing, professionals who only care about the students when they are “on the clock” and aren’t just following the robotic SOPs, and poor planning in logistics, etc., maybe some people wouldn’t need to go to Boston and stay a few nights or go into a very complex anti acne treatment. Maybe my teeth wouldn’t be as short as it is.

Of course, my solution to the problem is, love, respect, happiness, and mitigating problems over “curing” but of course showing respect to students would be “unprofessional” as they have to be the control freaks because by law that’s what they get paid to do, destroy your dreams “say no” because “you’ve never heard ‘n’ or ‘o’ too many times” and other BS which needs to be destroyed.

“Ableism”, Trouble Making, and you people have a life?

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2017 Update:  I was on other parts of social media at this time too. There are many people who have higher functioning autism that you can’t tell them and a special-snowflake or a Social Justice Warrior apart. Prior to 2016, ether SJW or special snowflakes were not in the lexicon. 

The common problem with any advocate (including the anti-vaxxers is the ability to run away from their problems from time to time. Being razor sharp on such issues all the time is perhaps the very same reason why there is frivolous cases of “ableism” here and there. 

The problem is so many, they do not have a life. Life other than throwing rocks at opposing’s windows. 

Before I start, I should disclose, that I do feel that I myself, and perhaps others have become a victim of being discriminated by “ableism.” These Asperger’s types have gone so far to make “ableism” to be put on steroids. While there is discrimination, and abuse, there are more healthy ways instead of using University type of language in the tone of anger. I’ll even say for myself, it may not make me go anywhere…which is why I try to redirect the energy to reform. Oh I’m not sure if “reform” is an OK word.

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The State of Affairs for Autism and Relationships

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There is a bunch of problems going forward for the next five to ten years for autistics and the “leadership” thereof about relationships and building friends, etc., etc.

To go into further detail of that statement; we face problems such as trying to fit every possible individual into one unified group instead of unifying 1 and 88 people with autistic or pervasive developmental disorders; secondly the research and assessment (or diagnoses) often compares us to the normal functioning peer groups; which is also an unfair and inaccurate portrayal to the autistic community.

There are a bunch of people who go around the world to speak about autism, to lecture about the subject or even speak badly (even with it being unintentional.) This problem is also a multi pronged issue too. One is the lack of editorial judgement when delivering these messages to the public; secondly the medium is the message; especially in the world of the Web and social media; and how the people take these messages. I’ve said in the past that for a long time people in the Millenial generation (born from 1977 to 2001) were the most intolerant generation of people with developmental disabilities; however that number is slowly going down – but not a lot. The problem here, is those numbers are becoming tolerant because of a career path they have chosen, not really because they want to be tolerant from the heart.

And the last point is what becomes the most dangerous part for ANYONE with autism; the message, or the medium may mislead these future professionals of the special needs industry; there is still some mixed messages that all autistics are mute and dumb, and often they are lost little bastards; and often its boys; because its only boys who are bad; and its only boys who are into science and math; and again guys are socially retarded; and that all autistics shall not have a life like everyone else because of their alleged social dysfunction; and they really should be friends with their neurological peers; and shall not even have the chance of getting married and having offspring that might reproduce another autistic.

The entire boldface was the subliminal or innuendo messaging of what is taught in college, or in professional development (bitter people training.) There is a lot of psychobabble about “social pyramid”, “social capital”, “social this” or “social that”. And many of this BULLSHIT has anything to do with social skills!

So in closing, the state of affairs for autism and relationships are bleak and will have a dark future. Not because “progressives” want to make a movement for change and acceptance; its really for people who want to be career mothers or career slanderers to make blaintely false and misleading statements that all autistics are bad, all autistics should be sent to Laconia or a state that still has a state school for developmentally disabled people. And yet we have to settle with the fact of “they are being honest” and “they are telling the God honest truth” but yet if I make a “God honest truth” I’d be charged for hate speech even if there isn’t a  hate speech law in my state.
The only option is to settle with the “facts” with the hopes these people will die to hell sooner rather than later.

The Pursuit of Happiness

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I had a meeting with my support team for my services earlier yesterday. I want to keep such sensitive information private, since I do not want to exploit such special needs services. Part of it is  such a political drama over the last few years. The Great Recession hasn’t helped the manners. However, the New Year is coming, and I am trying to survive a day to day live meanwhile having to deal with more and more accountability and additional people-pleasing. This New Year mentality is starting to become something I’m not looking forward to.

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Would one be willing to fall in love with ASD?

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I’ve become more and more skeptical about any futures of being in love. I’ve never fallen in love with anyone, because there was no girl that was willing on her part to understand me and accept me for who I am.
Let’s try to see if a random girl could handle the following?

  • would she be willing to deal with someone who can be messy? (I explained part of that earlier today)
  • would she be willing to hear one pace around and be anxious at times?
  • would she be willing to hear about things she could not give a shit about?
  • would she be willing to hear about things she could not give a shit about – in a looped fashion?
  • would she be willing to deal with someone who sometimes doesn’t like to be too close to someone? (well I never could touch a girl -because that is more offensive, than a girl touching someone like me!)
  • could she handle my constant anxiety attacks?
  • and how could she handle someone who is unemployed and living with his mother? That turns off a lot of girls, who many in the 26 to 30 range have completed college and are making a HELUVLA lot more than what I should be making if I was “normal”!

I’ve asked the question, would a girl date someone with autism on other parts of the Web and got disappointing results.  I go and people watch, I try to flirt, only 1 and 50 random girls do that, Then trying to talk to a girl – its like – how in the hell can I talk to one and see if there is something? I’ve explained a week ago about another cutie I had written about, and finding out that painful answer.
Oh, I’ve gotten Facebook posts asking why just date someone who is autistic herself? Well, the cases are well male biased, and if there are any, they are likely taken since she will probably be in a relationship with an autistic/PDD counterpart. That doesn’t work out here. Same goes to all the ever so growing jobs for “paraprofessionals” in the twentysomething crowd. If they deal with them on the clock, do you think they’ll fuck with one literally off the clock? Thought so.
There are so many reasons why someone like me won’t be able to fall in love, the love is turning into hate because love can only work for so long, hate can be effectively eternal.

Living up to High Standards

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Part of my “low self esteem” is partially because I am not up to par with my peers. I don’t want to be comparing myself to someone my own age, etc. but I am not. I have denied that for many years that I am not like my peers.
I’ve seen the alleged over-excessive content on Facebook, and even on the dating websites. I feel I can’t live up to them for them to accept me. This isn’t just a potential girlfriend, even a potential friend.
Here is my situation:

  • I come from a lower class family, that grew up in an upper class town
  • I have a high school diploma, and no experience with higher education
  • As I had traveled domestically in my teenage years (California, Texas, New York, D.C.) some of my likeminded groups have traveled the world. I have – actually seen the Mexico Border when I was in San Diego, and I have been near the Canadian border going on I-89 corridor when I was 6 or so.
  • I obviously didn’t come from a privileged family, many peers (at least in my geographical area) are
  • Given my autism, I am smart, but not in the same intellectual level as some of my peers, some would obviously think I am just odd in some of my interests
  • I live in an area where there are many people younger than I am and many people older than I am, so the middle twentysomething crowd is limited, because of the high COL or Cost of Living. Some of my peers would prefer to live in Nanny-towns like Boston, New York or even LaLa land or Florida, areas that also have the sex appeal of a highly stylized locale

So background aside, lets go to the smaller things

  • The art that I do  I suppose is decent, but probably not museum material (and I am fine with that)
  • Some may say its not fully dimensional. Maybe not proportionate enough, or I use plain ol pencils and not the snootty strength
  • Sure I may know some tech things, but don’t expect me to program C++ or code in Pearl, or do CSS to design webpages. Yup I am dumb on that regard. Sure I may know some telecom stuff, but not ask me how to do a diagram on how TDM works vs analog, vs IP vs. video or so on.
  • I don’t like going out and doing much things for fun. I’d rather be at home, doing work on my machines or watch the Fox News Channel or watch some boring documentary on TV. I don’t like distractions that much, because it detracts the attention of the pressing issues. My DNA is programmed to be vigilant (always alert, always on.)

I’ve also mentioned other concerns before such as:

  • Having odd interests for straight males like fashion or art (yeah I feel gay for doing art)
  • the ability to be around laid-back types of people, because I am somewhat of a tight person, because I just can’t stop and have fun in a depressing time and place.

Lastly, if I wanted to go to college, or get a decent job and to get the friends and future girlfriend, they all seek someone who needs to be responsible, compliant and needing credentials (whether or not its necessary – chicks and clueless bosses want that “piece of paper”) in order to be accepted in a privileged world.
Then I have to be worried about being accepted with the other’s social circle, since after all its not about them, its about his groups of buddies too. I can’t have any types of relationships with anyone if the others would not accept me and backstab behind me. Oh, did I mention the “man-child” stereotype, where men just want to use gaming consoles all day long or other “childish” behaviors that doesn’t constitute as “childlike” since the latter is a chronic issue while the former is plain ol immaturity?
The holiday season is coming fast this time around, and I am dealing with personal issues on top of having the worst year I have ever had; and I don’t have backup support system, since some of them went away in the summertime, and my mother needs to care for my grandmother, and my other family members I choose to abstain; leaving a handful of other people to take load of my day to day life.
I am lost because I have not had that partner in crime figure in a long time. I am in a desperate need to find one, and just someone who I don’t feel like I am a bothersome to.
With all of that – my conclusion is I can’t compete against people that area actually better than I am, because I am not privileged, not smart enough, not experienced enough, and I am a childish individual.
I feel so proud living life…
*

When I see people in wheelchairs…

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Its like I wished I was them.
Every disability, whether its mental, physical, deaf or blind, they have such higher social status and acceptance level, its all good.
…but My God, if you look like an odd ball, and you appear to be a loner and you have a developmental disability, its like living in real hell! The world is so sick and fucking perverted its not even funny!
I can’t imagine what they go through (though I don’t cry and feel bad) but I sure as hell cry and feel bad for myself because developmental disabilities is apparently “still new” to understand never mind barely getting to the general acceptance level.
I don’t want to be one of those people living by their label even if I come off as such. But it really hurts me that every other disability is accepted (read: GENERALLY) and someone like me with an autistic disorder is not being accepted and people like me are treated as a imitate object like the wallflower.
Hell, I don’t call myself or this blog “The Forgotten Autistic” for nothing. I am BEING FORGOTTEN in society!

(Ill)legal Drugs: GlaxoSmithKline gets thrown into the slammer

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The Government press charges against the company, but doesn’t press charges against anyone who was involved.

Glaxo was plead guilty in a criminal charges for misleading the government for various antidepressants. Now I find this funny, that they a) get criminally charged, b) they have to pay the Government about $1 billion for criminal fines, but yet no one goes into the slammer. Hey, Presidential Candidate Romney says “People are business”, does that ring true to Glaxo? Oh wait, they are a big business, Romney was referring to the small businesses!
In anyway, in Tuesday’s Marketplace section above the fold in The Wall Street Journal,  GlaxoSmithKline had severely mislead the government of the the legal use of the drugs. They were, according to the Journal:

  • Paxil
  • Wellbutrin
  • and the diabetes drug Avandia.

The Journal reports that the costliest health care fraud cases has been the biggest in many years. The U.S. Government had found the company guilty as “the company piling doctors with perks such as free spa treatments, Colorado ski trips, pheasant-hunting jaunts to Europe and Madonna concert tickets” that the Justice Department said
Quoting a paragraph from the Journal:

“At a news conference on Monday, and in documents posted online, the government said Glaxo spent six years – 1998 to 2003 [sic] – unlawfully promoting Paxil for patients under 18 when the drug wasn’t approved for non-adults. It said Glaxo helped prepare an article published in a medical journal in 2001 that falsely reported Paxil had proven effective at treating depression in children in a clinical trial when the trial showed no such thing.”

In reference to the other non-authorized purposes, the government accused that Glaxo had mis promoted Wellbutrin,  “approved to solely to treat depression – for number of other reasons” such as another Viagra! The Journal quoted the government said “Glaxo sales representatives sometimes referred to Wellbutrin as ‘the happy, horny, skinny pill’ as to remind doctors of the unapproved uses.”
GlaxoSmithKline, PLC had to pay another $2 billion US dollars to to cover civil penalties such as misleading Medicaid (a US Government agency and program, hence the fines) that had mistakenly misauthroized the uses of the drugs.  Additional fines included kickbacks to doctors to prescribe nine different drugs, according to the WSJ report.
In a side bar, the Journal quotes the “76-page complaint”.

Promoted Wellbutrion SR as an antidepressant, to treat obesity or sexual disorders. Example: Hired a PR firm and paid [TV’s] Dr. Drew Pinsky to ‘build buzz’ for off-label uses”
Marketed Paxil, an antidepressant, as safe for children, despite trials that raised concerns about suicide. Example: Give free samples to child psychiatrists”

I added the boldface
Glaxo had agreed to go into a Five Step Program, seriously they need to do a “five year ‘corporate integrity agreement’ in which it pledges to specific behavior”  to change various policies such as compensation plans and show their financial statements post-charges and show where the money is going.
Takeaway
What drives me nuts, is why can’t the US Government not criminally prosecute “people” instead of just the company? Why did no one blow the whistle or get “cooperating witnesses” or get “bagmen” to ambush them. (Being from Boston, I know about mobs inside and out – as an outsider of course!)  Why didn’t the government go after the doctors who were involved in favors and didn’t get them prosecuted? This is really a sick problem, and the free market has been abused, and I really wished this was taken even to a higher level of criminal prosecution, really in the sense of throwing people into federal prison for life! People had actually died because of the suicide (a lawsuit occurred with another company I can’t remember the details.)
This is what we call “corporate prostitution” – pay someone to suck up another in order to lure what the doctor wants. What’s worse is how a doctor’s office is whored with those tissue boxes, pens and oh I can’t say any more, because that’s going to be another post alone!
In all seriousness, this is a huge issue. Paxil was given to many children, and many with PDD, HFA, Asperger’s in the late 90s and they became very unstable, more unstable than not being on Paxil. I can disclose that I am currently on Welburtrion, but the first drug I had been on was Paxil. I’ll tell you that I had countless suicide attempts, and many aggressive episodes, that I suffered with hyperventilation, especially during restraints (the ignorant/arrogant staff thought because I was fighting with them during the restraint holds, was the cause. ) Not only those cause issues, but the worst case was that I had no eyebrows or eyelashes as I had plucked them out -for a crazy reason, this medicine gave me some weird side-effects.
Part of my middle school years were tainted because I was on drugs that now were – actually illegal to take. I also was dealing with a neurologist who didn’t understand PDD type of children, but yet I went through various doctors, and my psychologist (who is a prominent voice of autism, but doesn’t posses a M.D. background) was actually giving my mother and I recommendations for various medicines, that she shouldn’t been suggesting to use period given her PhD background.
Medicine isn’t the total solution, and I will explain more later, but this is a good starting point to discuss the drug industry, the “doctors” and the smartasses of the autism community.
If you interested in this story, this appeared in Tuesday’s Marketplace section of The Wall Street Journal. I quoted directly from the print edition with my dictating skills which is good to do with reading and typing skills.

The struggles of being me. (EDIT V2)

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I’ve had a long 25 years of baggage to wake up every morning and crawl out of my bed and trying to find the “next step” of my life that I have used for exactly 4 years now.
I’ve had more and more let-downs than comebacks. And that has nothing to do with my thinking, its the leadership of the ASD community, the leadership of adult services and the leadership of our political system that hasn’t help the manners. There has been quite a drama, and frustrations in Concord, and the political mess isn’t far from over. Its also not far from over with the the negative influence that people give to the individuals. The years leading to my last day of school on my 21st birthday, was really about the only thing going forward in my life was to work.
And lots of the skills were a decade behind the present standards, ranging from work ethics and how to find a job. I had my teacher saying in like 2007 that she was going to get the local Sunday newspaper because the Sunday editions have more classifieds. Around that time they were extinct in their existing form. Never mind the teachers of my school program were hesitant of teaching the students how to use Monster.com, Craiglist. Facebook was still in infancy to “everyone else” outside of the dot-edu addresses, and LinkedIn wasn’t even popular in the corporate world.
Oh and what drives me nuts, was even before the huge Facebook/MySpace/LinkedIn era, was the teachings of harassment, and the fear that was brought to us about the skeptical society. I wanted to give out business cards to pretty girls but after I was told that “after 9/11, people gotten creeped out” or it would be a “crapshoot in case” she was in a relationship or married.
What if I was doing a double prong approach to not only try to hook up, but you know, the networking word? The old fashioned way of giving cards out to people? Well since i am a “loner” type, I am often in the community by myself (thanks to my friends abandoning me) and you know i have that look that looks like I am the mute and dumb stereotype, I cannot do that. Then, thanks to elitists like Stephen Shore or Tony Atwood or Teresa Bolick, and other Asperger knowitalls of the world they, and including the school teachers also indoctrinate us about various “social” standards, “social status” and anything that has to do with “social.” At this point, it should be a vulgar word.
I can’t even be a salesman. My eBay record has really sucked. My resales of failed tech equipment, often had to be relisted on average of 3 times and a lack of interest. Its really crazy how a generation old technology can go down in price and be a lack of interest in only 9 months to a year! (Some of my Ci$co products were about 6 to 10 years old on the hardware side.) And I am not even sure if my Etsy account will do anything good.
I have been let down so much by various “adults” in my life, and what the hell am I supposed to do? I feel like I’m here without or I don’t have a reason to be here.
It’s a REAL SHAME to be suffering with what’s now becoming a “woman-made” disorder or disease, however you look at it.