https://www.instagram.com/p/Cx3QioEu3hn/

In March, I was really in a down moment in my life. I was turning 36, and I am inching closer to 40 with nothing to relate to with my peers, unless it’s those peers that are in the same boat! Yes, because feeling the very same feels will turn all boats.

My mother is going through intense grief, while I have been identified as her “rock”. And it wasn’t the first time me or others heard that uttered. Not to mention I started elementary school in 1993, 30 years to the day last month. Given my grandmother’s grave state, I was unable to reflect, and given that I had traveled to Londonderry (or around there) about a handful of times after her passing, it set the trauma markets of feeling like I was not enough by any means, and I was just that resource-room kid who they felt I was not as equal to them.

my present therapist is antsy, often over generalizing, over sympathizing what is not in reality, because that individual doesn’t look at individual cases, not to mention US English isn’t their native tongue. My mother had gotten blindsided with the monthly benefits, so we need to turn the clock to when I was 18 and re-apply for eligibility; only because of a mismatch in paperwork,

Politically I am scared to death because “we are one election away” from an extremist who hates Massachusetts. Not to mention everything I have discussed over the last year in a half with politicians trying to regulate tolerance through preaching intolerance.

I feel like a goddamned misfit. I feel like in the state I live in “freedom” only applies to a handful of people with very little accountability, and responsible people are paying for those groups’ freedoms. Average men are treated as creeps!

No one understands the pain I have to absorb and right now I do not have any support people to help me with my cognitive differences. People who are reading is like “well you’re so high functioning, how can you not understand?

I was home alone on and off for almost a month and a half by no ones fault of their own; however I was really unable to discuss what was going on. Therapy sessions had to be on Zoom. I was trying to keep calm and carry on, but now I can’t even fucking cry!

The warning signs goes as far back as 2018 into 2019, I needed many hands as possible, and guess, what? my mother has to take the emotional burden of what I had to go through.

DSM-IV era autism is not as common as people think. Not too many people get-it, they think my father should’ve parented me instead, and fuck me up in a different way.

I am drained, my bandwidth has been maxed out, and I can’t process anymore. What’s next, other individuals feeding me their emotional stimuli that I can’t process.

#

This year, I rebooted the Hopeless, Outspoken, Alleged “Autistic”, No community was built. Perhaps I had been slandered as an “ableist” in 2015 that never went away. For whatever reason, in 2011 to 2012 I had something going. I still have screengrabs of the Google search referrers.

Continue reading →

In the next 10 months, my goal is to move out, and away from the system and worse the horrific narc people in this fucking part of Southern New Hampshire and say fuck you bitches!

I don’t know how I can do this, but I like this to be a private goal. I am so done with being treated like crap and then be blamed for everything that’s said about me. No one else shares any responsibility. Ironically it’s women not just the men that are doing it.

The phrase “hitting the wall” refers to women hitting 30 or 35 without a man or any type of relationship because of apparent prejudices of men (whether it’s realistic or imagined, say inflated from abuse) and their abilities to reproduce (if they want to) becomes harder. The phrase actually is part of a long vulgar glossary of the movement known as Men Going Their Own Way or better known as MGTOW, of which got legitimized over the last five years as this was once a fringe and cringe group.

For me, I felt I “hit the wall”, many, many years ago. As early as 21 or even 18, once I realized that it was probably at that time in the mid 00s I had no more purpose in life. My life really passed by at that point, and the “flashes” was more of a reminder that of that infamous message on old 8-bit games of “Game Over”. By the way this is not influenced by any means by that hack in Toronto known as Jordan Peterson (once nicknamed Jordi on The Weekly Zoo.)

In the last decade, I wanted to be proven wrong, having the status “Hopeless Autistic” doesn’t just make people look at you weirdly, but it’s a motivator that there is some potential your life is not a complete waste. But in those 10 years that had followed, including a prolonged pandemic, and if anything there has been claims that being infected with COVID19 adds more age with or without the vaccine. At the last check there’s claims it adds 5 years to your age.

But as I am now 35, as I see the remaining light flare passed me by… I realized that now there’s really little hope. Was this my fault or could I take better responsibility? Yes I could’ve and tried to take responsibly in full; whether or not taking responsibility sooner to avoid hitting that wall cannot be determined.

I tried to do everything and anything in my power to get out of hell of bondage of extreme alpha-mom figures creeping into my life because they have no one else to care for. Unlike the women who have “hit the wall”, they also have done-it too, another vulgar name calling is the “riding the [male genital] caesural” I can’t remember the last time I had such physical encounters via touching an non female family member. I spent the last ten years trying to do anything and everything to break the barriers. It seems like other groups have been able to do so, hell people with more visible disabilities have it easier, despite the 4 years of regress from POTUS Trump in the last 10 than what I had to go through.

Autism is now 1 in 44 cases, and yet there still hasn’t been much attention to the people over the age of 35 because apparently my group’s autism is not as great as the GenX/vaccine injured children who are in their 20s where all the attention is at.

Autism was and never will be my primary identity; but it did become that by others because of their reckless actions, the ableist tendencies, even from within. Factor that autism is more common with males and the underlying sexism that typical males are often subjected to. With all this comes into play, it’s not that I am some Buzz Lightyear figure who’s an alpha male and pisses his lifespan trying to “fix” something (can you say that’s “hitting the wall”?) All I wanted since I close to 13, to repair the things that were intentionally broken (the subtle sexism, the label placement, and the complete writeoffs because the DSM-says-so.)

The only thing I suggest for people younger than me is to learn to be a better fighter than I was. I was too harshly aggressive to be a self-advocate. And this is why I am very critical of many of the activists because if they aren’t properly messaging their ideals properly; then everyone hurts and I have to hate you all because you have given my group a bad name. Yes I am talking to you ASAN aholes!

#