Mama Trauma…

This week has been “off” the one or a couple times where I have put up with my mother for 24x7x365 for nearly 4 years has been daunting and to have a resiliency of not blowing up like a teenage autistic would normally be complemented in a modest manner. However given the unhealthy relationship my mother and I are going through, it’s been extremely challenging.

Sunday I was a bit snippy and I lost it. The other day my mother was just going on and on and having to explain something I can pick up without needing to be talked to like a first grader. This morning, I was under the impression my mother was going to take care of her brother and go to the Manchester office, but then to my chagrin she pulls a curveball of going to the Massachusetts office instead.

Cognitive dissonance much? The reason was a bit passive agressive, she thought she didn’t feel welcome to be at home because apparently I snapped at her. Well at 7:00 or 7:30 in the morning I am not expecting another body in the house! And she wants me to speak more directly than speaking around things to prevent confusion to some annual work related to me, I stopped her and “I’m going to say this straight” and I felt like broke a teacup. She was silent when I left to say “goodnight”.

The lack of emotional control is really draining on me. Is it OK for me to snap at my mother? No, should I be more patient? Perhaps. But for her to be hyper-sensitive to tone and delivery to the point she is not feeling validated using grievance as a tool to manipulate my behavior is pretty infantile.

This should be a public service announcement for females of all ages to have their hormones checked or controlled.

Close to brain dead…

I have suspected my brain is heading to severe damage. This is by no means this is being light hearted. Between the damages occurring at the end of the 20th Century, the injustice from that time; to the chaos that was during COVID, getting COVID, and continued mix of sheltering in place and being quarantined during the infection; and the lack of a near term outcome has put a lethal mix going forward. I already was damaged prior to March of 2020, the pre, present and post pandemic situation has made my situation at no point of recovery.

I am afraid I am going to die with my brain exploding internally from all the stress and anxiety that has went skyfold 2 years ago and suspecting it could be another 2 years of uncertainty and lack of stability, and responsibility being pushed solely on me.

I am so angry… I ask myself why I have to be on the receiving end yet again? Why can I not function? Why is everyone around me appears to me to be inpatient and I choose to be who I am?

Autism is not a choice.

Life is not a choice.

Hierarchal children do not ask to be born.

Satan: please take this soul way, I am at a loss now.