Tag Archives: Pursuit of Happiness

Happiness is Overrated

Posted on by
Reply

So I have to get some goals and objectives for my contract for next year to continue to receive services. I’ve mentioned before the change of how to measure my goals has changed for my contract. This change is scaring the hell out of me, and it is making me wonder why am I in services if I will be held with higher accountability. They claim its supposed to help me reach my goals, but I feel like its going to make me have to meet standards and never fall back if something legitimately forces me to go back.
I’ve seen these high accountability standards hitting the people who suffer with borderline disabilities, the ones you can’t “see” since it doesn’t take over your body. And as such, we have to meet high standards.  I know friends who have suffered with high expectations. Some tried to kill themselves, and some that had dropped out of high school alltogether. While I am not in school, and if I keep up becoming an icicle, because I am scared to death with trying to keep the authorities happy, I still feel like meeting high standards are going to make me fall backwards and not forwards, and I have to hold my self accountable in a higher level since I have a form of high functioning autism. Can you see why I am tired of feeling so “high” pardon a pun?
I don’t feel like I have the power to meet standards for myself. I feel like my freedom has been taken away thanks to the government regulating the shit out of the most vulnerable citizens of society.
RELATED: THE IDEAL LADY – SOMETHING I HAVE TO WITHHELD TO MY SUPPORT GROUP
I am required to meet with someone via the phone in a couple of days to go over my goals.  And I’ll tell her that my goal is to get out of the services by I dunno, in a couple of years. And I’ll tell her its because of these regulations that are making me get out, instead of retaining me as long as I need my services. Sure I may not work 40 hours in the next few years, sure I will try to succeed without bitching, but these kinds of practices wants me to kill myself  (sorry for mentioning this during such timing.)
I had switched services during this time a few years ago, and the contract starts in January and ends in December, so the planning just doesn’t help during the holiday season.
I’m tired of having to be the slave for other people’s happiness. It’s not about my future, its about meeting other peoples expectations that happens to be labeled as “my future”.
RELATED: MY ORIGINAL THOUGHTS THAT MY HAPPINESS NEEDS TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE
I don’t want to sound like an anti-government, Constitution flaunting; the world should revolve in 1776 all the time, (because I don’t fully-subscribe to those views at all)  but sometimes government does take your freedom away in order to get services or funding.
The only thing I would like – is to be happy without being put under a microscope and be held hostage to meet other people’s expectations for my happiness.

The Search for Romance

Posted on by
Reply

I’ve heard a billion* different stories of how someone met their love of their life. Ranging from online dating websites, to Facebook (don’t get me started), even old fashioned medium like the ol’ CB** or even meeting the love of their life at the local turnpike toll booth. Or even going to the same restaurant and starting a relationship with the waiter.
*it feels like a billion, whether or not I counted to a billion is another question.
** Citizens Band 2 way radio if you are product from the 1990s onwards and is generally clueless person about things before your time
I can tell you that all my stories about love is something you expect as a 6th grader, and oh boy when people inquire about me crushing on somebody, it often entails embarrassment, regret and other childlike feelings that you expect for a 11 year old.
The only semi sweet story was that “Jessica” lived up the street from me, and the childish love I would endure, only because she treated me like crap weeks after. But nothing ever happened, just plain ol heartbreaks or mixed messages or plain old shutdowns of one and other. I suppose that story is really just stale and depressing.
In anyway, in 2 months the goal is to find the Search for a Career In Turn for a Girl to Like and Respect me as a Mature Man since He Allegedly has Goals for Himself. What a title for that Search huh?

Dreams (That Will Just Exist in my Imagination)

Posted on by
Reply

My dream life…

  • Working enough hours to make ends meet, to have enough cash to pursue my interests.
  • To have a stable social life – maybe up to six “friends” or so.
  • To have some girlfriend I can feel its ok to be romantically in love, to touch her, to kiss her to hug her without worrying about registering as a Level Three Sex Offender.
  • To have somewhat of a electronic communication (such as a Facebook, phone calls, emails or texts – though I don’t like texting anymore)
  • That I can be happy and feel that life isn’t that threatening and the world around me won’t  have to really judge me

But I realize that is all just a daydream and when I go to bed, the worst things to happen are in my sleep, because theres nothing to really dream about since my dreams cannot come true for various reasons to just leave out for the general audience. 

I get so teary eyed because I have to accept that my life isn’t what I dreamt of. Because I have to make others happy because its all about them and not about me.