Death & Taxes (and burdons)

Recently, another family member that I mentioned early on in the YouTube days, passed away in August.

That family member was buried at the same cemetery as my grandmother, more on how and why that drama is sad is for another day.

However because the spouse and son plus the fiancee, counting my gram and nana and great grandpa, the space that claimed to hold ten, that the headstone engravers claim 8, is now down to 2 or 4 more.

Again the lone 37 year old in the lowest root of the hierarchy is feeling the emotions. The family member with a mental health now an early state dementia is unclear where they’re going to be buried. My mother wants to be buried with her mother.

My mother does not have a will yet, and my concern is that won’t happen; not that I want her inheritance but all the strings attached to my services not just my benefits. In order for that to work properly having the funds be in a trust instead, she needs three trustee types. Well those people aren’t that young either. One couple I do not trust, which is her fundamentalist friend; where her static world-view is on IDD is pretty much preset with no ability to gently challenge.

As I hear this stuff, I get anxious. Not having a disaster recovery plan a year ago, should’ve been a wakeup call. In fact loosing Gram was a disaster. I also temporarily lost benefits due to a misunderstanding on my mother’s end that caused the case to close as gram’s health was declining. Ironically, I would get a backpay of nearly two months, and screw up the Social Security, which lead that to ups and downs.

The benefits is one thing, the other was not having food to eat for a while. These were the nightmare scenarios I was freaking out several years before, fearing I wouldn’t have hands to hold when everything would crash!

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Biting ones tounge

Silence is golden. As painful as that sounds, I am doing the people in my life a favor.

I “bite” my tongue because
I don’t want to offend anyone;
I don’t want to set someone off;
I don’t want to ruffle one’s feathers;
I don’t want to come off as crude, rude, hateful or bitter;
I don’t want to create any unneeded hostility
That I don’t want to be one of those crazy minded, “delusional”  types

I have “bitten” my tongue for a long time, allowing the pain to go down my body.
This effect has caused my tongue to become “infected” – therefore I can’t
“speak”.
Unfortunately it is best for me to stay quiet – even if it hurts the close people in my life.
I can talk, and I should have the right to speak my mind; but in order to “be nice” its best I just stay quiet, because when I start talking, I set my self up for trouble.
There are so many things on my mind, but the people I talk to are probably not willing to hear me repeat my issues over and over, and the significant troubles of my relationships and the inability to fix them because beyond repairable.
I am doing the people in my life a favor by just zipping it.