Part of an ongoing series
Again on the theme of preventing transactional relationships, I bought an accessory and left not to long later as I didn’t see her, only because that first day was more of the browse, then this day would be the “shop” (I know cash in more time with sales associates!) Again as I have learned, the only way you can test relationships is not to buy anything at every time. For a learned lesson, consult the Buying My Way to Female Affection.
… they are true lazy people! The Latino is the most professional!
About a week ago at another local mall, I was in a mood where I was in between retail therapy, and social engagement. What the hell is that?
I typically go to Starbucks on my way to my program for a light lunch (albeit not the most healthiest option, but what the hell.) I go here over the local Dunkin which has a bad track record of ultra fast paced, spiffy, screw up the order, and if you’re neurological allergic to caffeinated coffee, that’s not their problem!
I’m not very good in small talk, not because it’s annoying; not because it’s socially complicated; its what can I say when I am a nobody?
I’m not even self employed! I’m not in any relationship! I don’t have that much family or friends! And is there an unwritten rule to not talk about day programs outside the property? I never felt comfortable talking about that.
Last week a lady that knows me by name asked what my plans were for the rest of the day. I pulled a Bill Belechick and gave a no answer to a question. Because what should I say, you know? I still do not feel 100% safe being in a community and I hate being such an oxymoron…but I love the idea of the small talk, but when it happens, I blow it!
A+ for trying? Maybe not.
*
This is yet another problem I have struggled (maybe others can relate.) You try to go out to public places (retail, restaurants, etc.) and the objective is to socialize with a stranger. The problem is when you realize there is an opportunity, you just immediately fumbled the football.
This problem can be one or more of the following:
This has happened on several occasions within the last 3 months. One was at the local fast foot joint, where I have a “fake” ID badge. Its not that fake, I had a IT services operation and while it wasn’t incorporated legally, but I wear it with an accompanied lanyard to look like I was “busy”. But I didn’t take the business seriously for reasons not worth going. The guy asked me how was “work”? I fibbed and said “good”. For all I know, he was just doing his own personal SOP of being nice to the customers.
Another case was I went to a mall store around the time when the Boston Bruins was in the Stanley Cup, so sometime within the last month. I was wearing my Bruins hat, and the girl at this store was complementing me about my hat, while I was in the store she essentially was flirting with me and asking me if I was excited about the series. I came off like I was a “casual fan” when in fact I am a true fan. For all I could say in return in complete sentences was that I told her I liked her belt she was wearing and how sexy it looked.
And most recently, a cashier at the local grocery store had shown interest in me. No, not romance or crushes, but just an acknowledgement in a friendly way of my presence. (If you know what I mean, you understand what I had to deal with for many years.) The last time I saw her was about a few weeks ago, because I have missed her on her shifts in the last 3 weeks. Its rare for a grocery store let alone the Northeast where someone is friendly with their customers and not rush to put the pizza in the same bag as the chicken. The problem is how can I go that next step into the “small talk”. I’m not like an Asperger type where I hate it, its really how to execute it, and how could I ask her out (if that’s even possible.)
I seem to never find the right time to act when I have an opportunity to interact with the outside world without having much fear. The problem for me is how chronic this social anxiety almost literally freezes me up without getting cold hands or feet.
I think it comes from my upbringing of low self esteem, a lack of confidence of my professional interactions, and just the baggage of carrying my autism and all the negativity that the disorder has been wrongfully portrayed in the public.
My grandmothers birthday was recently. She lives in another community as we are preparing for her to move to our house by the end of the year. She is the last member of my small family to move into our new home that we have been living for the last couple of years.
We were going to plan to celebrate over the weekend, but it got postponed. I remembered her birthday on that specific day, and I sent an actual birthday card, and obviously it arrived a few days later. I need to call her and check up on the status.
My grandmother is as analog as you get (she lives in such old social standards, like sending a card that is HANDWRITTEN of a thank you via post mail. She doesn’t like the ideal of Facebook (because she’s an extremely private and quiet individual, therefore she doesn’t like how people would post their entire lives on the internet. In some ways I don’t like that because my general ideal of excessive privacy leads to troubled and corrupted lifestyles – i.e. my own personal views of local government lead me to be somewhat opposite to her views.)
She never used a computer outside of work (only using a specific mission critical app in the last decade), and she again, as an old lady prefers phone calls and letters. Because she’s a “farmers girl”, she views the world as “little” and revolves what my former town being “small town” like 5,000 people small which wasn’t the same in over a half a century ago.
Well I am someone who tends to not focus on the past (thats the family curse of afraid of change) but I try to live in a semi reasonable, but progressive society. At some point people need to adapt and stop reliving like my town is still a small town where everyone knows everybody, etc.
Now that ends to a point, and when my nostalgia comes into play.
I often don’t celebrate my birthday (and its becoming just “another day” beginning this year) because it was generally forgotten. People would not remember, often they need some aid to help them, like using Facebook – that’s if someone publicly publishes their birthdate/day online. The “friends” I used to have were really not friends. These people never seemed to look beyond your default picture or album. I had my birthdate as my handle on my MySpace, YouTube and Twitter accounts, but no one seemed to ever visit them, or even question what 3 digit number meant, especially when I used to put strong synergy across all my profiles.
They never reciprocated, and never went the extra mile (because that was dirty work for these entitled jerks.) Now granted, I did send emails, and not cards via mail. But an email is now the social standard to the old fashioned “letter” but digital and in fact is more personable than opposed to text. If you use Microsoft’s Outlook like I do, email gets stored into a computer file and can be read on any modern email client, etc.
Text messaging, however is the lowest standard for communication. Why? Its because the text messages can easily be deleted, and one touch of a button and the message disappears for good. This isn’t good if you want to keep a breakup letter for eternity as opposed to a letter or an email. Its much easier to send a half-assed thoughtful message via SMS as opposed to taking 5 minutes out of your busy life to type up and send an email birthday wish, etc. (For the record, I was never a fan of online greeting cards.)
Now back to Facebook, often if a birthday occurs, it gets published on the frontpage, then one starts the wish, then it extends to everyone else when people start to notice that trend on their News Feed. I did a test in 2010, made my birthday private, then made it public later that day. Guess what happened? These alleged “friends” wished my a happy birthday after. How fucked up is that? These same people who didn’t care that I turned 21 ether, never offered to have a drink together or what, as these people were social alcoholics to begin with.
Facebook, and all these other iDemented devices are really dumbing down the “normal” population and the groups who were forced and mentally raped of social standards, and socialization protocols, and other CAN’T dos, are actually going to be the best and the brightest because we socialize like robots by doing protocols and ettiques, while the “normal” population have an open license to be a jerk.
I try to be the good guy, and yet I get punished.
Note: This post was written during the Alpha/Beta stage. I wanted to bump this up so you can read my views on why I am not in a work program yet, and how my (allegedly made up) social skills issues and the ever so confusing understanding relationships at the workplace has put me into a long and screeching halt. At the same time, I am going to take time off to sort out various issues as I noted on my other blog just now. I am hoping to come back and try to calmly write my frustrations on relationships again. I can’t imagine what others like me go through, let alone someone who is “normal”
I’ve not been in a job since early 2008. It had nothing to do with the economy, it was because it was part of my school program and the company was unable to hire me permanently under their payroll. The company was billed by my school and the school program in return would give me the paycheck. At that time, the company had some seasonal difficulties, though now they are doing much better because they are allegedly the suppliers for a famous phone made by a California tech giant.
With that being said, my last day was within the following week to my 21st birthday, which is when any special needs student looses their school services and land into the real and crazy world of adult services, which in the beginning can be very difficult. (Hereto, I’ll leave the rest of the technical stuff for The Forgotten Autistic, since I normally cover these general and personal issues.)
So I have struggled finding the right work program. I’ve dealt with one a few years ago and it was an utter fail. Now I am in a new area, therefore their might be some promising options or work programs.
There are a few issues with work programs outside of a school program
1) is the “image” of the programs. Some programs I had seen were “white collared” like jobs. Sure, white collared jobs are fun, I’ve experienced it a little bit over time
2) with that being said, there is of course a responsibility, accountability, and maturity, and the job “coaches” or “trainers” often have to push and push the clients. I have done very poorly with people pushing me. I won’t go into the details, maybe its something I don’t fully know yet.
3) another issue is, in one of these “startup” programs (and do I love “startups – insert sarcasm) the applications are lengthy and dare I say intimating. My mother probably would say that most places do that, and its what life is and how workplaces work, and blah blah blah. Well, can anyone understand that maybe it has to do with how the label changed my life, most importantly the “social” aspect?
4) whether or not I choose a work program or not, there is a roadblock. Knowing I have social difficulties (whether its real or synthetic) I’d feel awkward doing some even simple blue collared job (something more up my alley!) Or even a turtleneck job! How would I be able to interface with “normal” people in a retail environment? Some of those teen/college age stores are people ether much younger than me or if they are on or close to my age, they probably are perfectly tolerant to illegal aliens, homosexuals, physically disabled, other backgrounds or races but not for developmentally disabled people! I bet there are people in such places that have used the “little bus” joke just like they did in high school!
The deprival of my “social skills” and replacing it with fear, intensive self-doubt and over-thinking is the major road block to a future of a 20 hours or less work program. I have not properly addressed this to my support team yet. Part of it is the lack of listening of some of the people. I still have the office skills from the previous employer, its like riding a bicycle, its just the social part that is severely stopping my life. If anyone is willing to hear me out.
I think there needs to be disruption to the special education world. For one there are too many women of a certain age and background. With that said, there is HORRIBLE leadership in this group. If you need a reminder, these people have effectively put scare tactics on my group of people of what I CAN’T DO. Remember, these are the same groups of people who get after the PDD groups on focusing on the negative. And of course, they never stop harping on strict social skills because we have to be 100% accurate and never make 1 mistake.
So with that said, I’m going to ask:
I know there is a lot of questions, I am just putting it out there because I am sick and tired of motherly women controlling the special education hackerama and not only screwing up these vulnerable citizens; but not only that to ask Uncle Sam to pick up the tab for unnecessary pain and trauma and leaving the adult services programs to reprogram these people of how the “real world” doesn’t work like how Room 112 was teaching for most of their high school years (and I am including the younger ed classes as well.)
is to click on 
This screengrab of the logout link on Facebook was taken a few years ago (I thought I had one with the cursor pointing to it) after noticing my alleged “friends” really wasn’t paying attention to me but their other “friends”. They could’ve cared less about my stuff I put up and engaging more but I ether wasn’t good enough or I might not have the best packet-based presence as opposed to the offline presence.
A definition from a dictionary website defines networking as: “a supportive system of sharing information and services among individuals and groups having a common interest”
So how is someone with such small network supposed to “network”? And how is he supposed to meet new people, especially if he doesn’t want to be in his peer groups? And where in the hell is he suppose to start, since he keeps hearing the “can’t dos” over the “CAN dos”
Hell, let me be so old fashioned: giving a business card to some stranger in hopes to ether “network” or strike up an offsite conversation is almost the same cause-and-effect as befriending a stranger on Facebook. How can someone get ahead in life if he keeps getting road blocks?
Oh then just get a job.
Sure, yeah I could get a job through a work program, but even that where do I draw the line of when to or when or not to network. How am I supposed to engage in a conversation with a common interest?
There are so many “social” road blocks for someone like me to try to get his social life better, but because I can come off as awkward and I was “labeled” as someone with social skills issues, this vicious circle keeps going round and around because I have to question every thing like “is this someone that I know close?” “Should I give my card to them?” “How well did I know this kid in school”, etc., etc. and etc.
This blog exists because a few little social quirks have caused someone like me to become a huge iceberg for the wrong reasons.
I’ve had a long 25 years of baggage to wake up every morning and crawl out of my bed and trying to find the “next step” of my life that I have used for exactly 4 years now.
I’ve had more and more let-downs than comebacks. And that has nothing to do with my thinking, its the leadership of the ASD community, the leadership of adult services and the leadership of our political system that hasn’t help the manners. There has been quite a drama, and frustrations in Concord, and the political mess isn’t far from over. Its also not far from over with the the negative influence that people give to the individuals. The years leading to my last day of school on my 21st birthday, was really about the only thing going forward in my life was to work.
And lots of the skills were a decade behind the present standards, ranging from work ethics and how to find a job. I had my teacher saying in like 2007 that she was going to get the local Sunday newspaper because the Sunday editions have more classifieds. Around that time they were extinct in their existing form. Never mind the teachers of my school program were hesitant of teaching the students how to use Monster.com, Craiglist. Facebook was still in infancy to “everyone else” outside of the dot-edu addresses, and LinkedIn wasn’t even popular in the corporate world.
Oh and what drives me nuts, was even before the huge Facebook/MySpace/LinkedIn era, was the teachings of harassment, and the fear that was brought to us about the skeptical society. I wanted to give out business cards to pretty girls but after I was told that “after 9/11, people gotten creeped out” or it would be a “crapshoot in case” she was in a relationship or married.
What if I was doing a double prong approach to not only try to hook up, but you know, the networking word? The old fashioned way of giving cards out to people? Well since i am a “loner” type, I am often in the community by myself (thanks to my friends abandoning me) and you know i have that look that looks like I am the mute and dumb stereotype, I cannot do that. Then, thanks to elitists like Stephen Shore or Tony Atwood or Teresa Bolick, and other Asperger knowitalls of the world they, and including the school teachers also indoctrinate us about various “social” standards, “social status” and anything that has to do with “social.” At this point, it should be a vulgar word.
I can’t even be a salesman. My eBay record has really sucked. My resales of failed tech equipment, often had to be relisted on average of 3 times and a lack of interest. Its really crazy how a generation old technology can go down in price and be a lack of interest in only 9 months to a year! (Some of my Ci$co products were about 6 to 10 years old on the hardware side.) And I am not even sure if my Etsy account will do anything good.
I have been let down so much by various “adults” in my life, and what the hell am I supposed to do? I feel like I’m here without or I don’t have a reason to be here.
It’s a REAL SHAME to be suffering with what’s now becoming a “woman-made” disorder or disease, however you look at it.