I had a meeting with my support team for my services earlier yesterday. I want to keep such sensitive information private, since I do not want to exploit such special needs services. Part of it is  such a political drama over the last few years. The Great Recession hasn’t helped the manners. However, the New Year is coming, and I am trying to survive a day to day live meanwhile having to deal with more and more accountability and additional people-pleasing. This New Year mentality is starting to become something I’m not looking forward to.

SPECIAL NEEDS – SPECIAL TARGETS –  “NORMAL” ACCOUNTABILITY 
I’ve been in this current system for some time now. And I am still struggling. I feel useless in society, and I feel very hopeless of any promising futures. I feel like I should be dead. I don’t feel like I belong here. And I hate being a grown up. I understand its perfectly normal to have a goal and objective, and such services require me to have a goal. And I don’t feel like I have a future, and apparently if I keep up this frozen decision making – I could theoretically loose services or funding in the future years.

Call me crazy, but I’ve felt that goals are really about the others and not about you, and most people who aren’t self-absorbed or self-centered are the ones who feel weird the most. But I have had the idea that goals is again about everyone else and not about me.  I guess I feel again, afraid of change, and this is why I don’t like goals, because of the unexpected. And “you can’t go back” once you hit that goal. Am I crazy to feel this way?

The state I live in has been under a lot of pressure from various groups to keep people on their toes. I’ve been aware of this for a long time, and I put an effort to meet different expectations from the general society whether its “peer pressure” or some watchdog. sorry, the “welfare” has been under the microscope a lot this past year alone! I’m never intend to be a “freeloader” – I have had a difficult life, and I just want to be happy, and not feel like a bothersome to people, resources, etc! 

DUMMIES BELIEVE GOALS ARE FOR THE BIRDS 
I have goals, I just don’t talk about them. I feel like its intellectual property. If people start hounding me for goals, then I feel it will be used against me. I don’t like being questioned, I don’t like being second-guessed, I am tired of people being skeptical of my own skeptical thoughts. I want to be happy! I’m tired of having to do it in such structured manner – even if “everyone has to do it”.

Now it is not to say that I want to overcome my issues. I would like to see if I can, whether or not is another question. However, I just want to “respect” the professionals by just omitting what I could say is a secret agenda.

MY GOAL IS TO FIND FRIENDS, MAYBE A GIRLFRIEND LIKE A CHERRY ON THE TOP!?
I don’t take risks anymore. I don’t want to try to even say “Steven would love to have friends, a girlfriend, etc.” doesn’t look too good as it goes through its bureaucratic process. I feel that I would not only offend a woman of a certain type, or waste time, resources or bandwidth (if I attached this via email) because it would really raise some flags. It’s better off to just say “Steven will be finding a job to gain a professional relationships for the next year”. Its much easier to make people feel that the monies are going for a proper level of service. Using the former, would force me back to those damned “social skills” groups that are perfect for fatass geeky guys. I’m sorry to say that, but there are more guys than girls with PDD/autistic disorders, so I have to deal with such sex bias, which hurts me a lot.

BUT HEY, DON’T CHICKIES WANT A GUY WITH “GOALS”?
Yes, would be a simple answer – if you are a “career” minded person. A long answer is that those types of girls are narrow-minded, and heartless people in case someone might, and I say MIGHT have a goal, but they don’t know how to do it. A girl like what I described typically never has patience to understand the “back story” of such frustrations.

WHAT ABOUT THAT BLEEPING “R” WORD OR THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM?
My intention of this blog was originally to cover the world of relationships from a third-person, analytical point of view, since some ignorant people perceive autistics as third-person people. I don’t want this blog to become a journal; but at the same time, I’m struggling with ether admitting the Elephant in the Room or continuing to stay quiet about my struggles of “relationships”. In fact, I put it as a concern for my current “contract”*, and also was listed as a concern for my Individual Educational Plan or IEP in my last year in school.
*terminology replaced to protect my privacy

With that being said, I’ve tried to be the “nice guy” by just trying to sweep this issue under the rug by venting my thoughts on this blog and in vague sense to the real world people in my life. I’ve lost some friends in the last few years, and I have accepted it and just plainly moved on. I haven’t mention them recently – which is a good thing (at least for me.) I’ve 95% forgotten about my “hometown” that really wasn’t like home to me. I’ve felt, and I SHOULD say FELT like I moved on for the expectations.

CLOSING
I feel very ashamed that I am posting things about “relationships” over my own people in my life and posting it for the LITERAL world to see. I’ve felt embarrassed, ashamed and sensitive about a disorder that I feel so guilty about. Again, its not about the label, it was how the other things like the broad-brushed approach and the can’t dos that became my identity. It’s not my autism that’s making me insecure. It’s how people don’t shut up and thinking of the effects of their statements, messages and other things that have created a makeup of a sad, self that wished he never existed.

I think you, as a reader would ether be annoyed, sad or depressed if you had followed around me 24*7 for a week. If I had a good day, it might be better -but when I am trying to work hard to find my future and spending hours in a conference room and you having to hear my frustrations – I can’t imagine how my family or a random bystander could take it.
I’m starting to feel that I don’t I belong here.

Coming Soon: “Unhealthy ‘Relationships'” – yup another word causing more confusion about love, which I’m working on to appear at a later time.