In early 2020, in the midst of COVID19, I had taken time off from my 3rd adult day program. Little would I know, this would be the beginning of the end with them. There was several incidents leading to being kicked-out, or worse written-off because I wasn’t disabled-enough. I do not know when my last day of my program was because of the pandemic, it was likely the end of March, because we were last billed for the services, despite having communications with administrative staff in April. (Some would say that was not-professional for any staff to divulge any vulernabilities of the program to a client.)

I say: I don’t give a flying fuck!

I contracted a mild variant of COVID19 on New Year’s Day, and was quarantined till the 11th, except for that one day out on January 4th to be tested. While I was isolated in my bedroom, I had done some searching online for toxic relationships, or toxic situations. At the same time during 2020, I worked with my therapist, (whom I had been working since 2016 following a crisis related to being a hopeless autistic that April); and we started to piece things together.

• At least all three day programs (2010-12; 2014-16; and 2017-20) all had some reoccurring fingerprints;
• the management often had the same signature behaviors they had talked with their clients
• The behaviors was gas lighting (minimizing one’s perception of reality); dismissal, humor, “is that the younger you vs present you?”, or worse even “putting things into perspective” was another;
• The intentional throwing-one-under-the-bus such as aforementioned gaslighting, lies (not in the vein of POTUS Trump) but complete batshit lies, that was completely unverifiable. Worse was the audacity to then write this on reports or documentation, or even emails

As a result, this perception was concurrent to what occurred in the days of SPED. What is worse in adult services; is they just amplify the SPED world, because they assume the individual is so low functioning, the smartest approach is to treat them to their developmental age; but anyone whose higher functioning must be challenged at all times, then if the individual challenges the system, then they are to be damned.

Another challenge amongst antagonistic behaviors and toxicity, was putting the same two and two with my mother, of which it seems as if a special needs hierarchal child cannot be reasonably critical. We must obey and respect that power at all times, and such privilege is eternal and cannot be checked. This is common in the patriarchal system; that is common with toxic masculinity (of which I used that phrase to call out the mismanagement in late 2019 – and of course had to take the flack!) Since the mid 2010s, I had seen a change with my relationship with my mother, and the repeated elements of what has made that relationship challenging. All I can say publicly, is it came in the early 2010s, 2016, and 2020 and post-pandemic, those several instances her behaviors came in true colors. It is alleged by yours truly that my mother conveniently forgets, conveniently has deflected, conveniently used the victim card; and her fragility has only accelerated as she ages. In her early 50s, anything that could be benign; can be a complete insult and trigger her into a full day shutdown, blackout, freeze/fight or flight. On something so non-offensive to a reasonable person.

In 2021, near the middle to the end of the year, I started to become depressed yet again as I was processing many of these feelings and sensations, and to make sense what I done on my own (and verified with my therapist.) The solution is to go into a radical acceptance, something that I had been working on since the days of being a hopeless autistic. The challenge is how do you rebuild what is lost to ensure what you rebuild does not get destroyed like some brat kid that wants to destroy Lego creations, that he knew you spent a lot of time and resources to build. When I was last in my day program, I started to sense what I had experienced, but it wasn’t until March of 2020, and being kicked-out was when I was able to put two and two together.

Some people put the textbook definition of narcissistic personality disorder as 1 in 3 Americans. This isn’t the Instagram self-admiration and likes, this is the more serious situations where my groups’ lives are at stake (look at malignant narcissism.) To close, the autism has made the depression worse, and the situation being so uncontrollably toxic, it’s harder to recover. But I felt it was important to write this, document this, and put it out there, because what else could go wrong?