In early 2020, I started to develop the skills naturally to combat against a state full of narcissistic types, that is New Hampshire. The people who are typical and Caucasian really do feel like they can “Live Free or Die” and if you’re atypical then it’s literally Live Free or End your Own Life (just don’t post this on Facebook because they can put you in Facebook-jail for implying self-harm – to you!)

The timeline of events that had lead me to where I am presently thanks to the discovery of “toxic relationships” that’s really narcissistic abuse.

• December 2019 – I had purged all Londonderry, NH typical peers that had denied the fact that not any of them would be non Facebook-friends
• January 2020 – I had a pissing match with Jackass,  case manager allowed it as a way to “work it out” via a telephone call a couple days later.
• February –  after months for fighting to get more time with the DSP, February went OK, She took time off in late February and early March IIRC.
• March – further plans for Fridays as the photography lesson started rolling. My last day was on March 13th.
• COVID Period (March to May) – We had a family meeting on the night of March 13th, outlining an explicit plan of where the physical boundaries were due to social distancing and sticking/adhering to those policies. The ol woman didn’t take them seriously; felt it was not as important. She had a justification to go out on non-essential trips (at least from what I could ell)
• April – June – I elected to take time off from my program because of the uncertainties of COVID19, in April my contract was set for a renewal, they did respond to 3 separate short and sweet and professional emails. It was suggested I just walk away, I decided to write one page 14pt letter to make it appear “I chose to not renew” (it was actually “politics”) and it was then where management had responded by end of May.

2021

• On New Years Day of which COVID caught me (just days after my mother had gotten it) I felt like Mother Nature sent me to my room for over a week, I started to research “toxic relationships”, I then found YouTubers from Crappy Childhood Fairy, to Doctor Ramani and several others. I started to put the two and two together.
• Spring – Kept consuming the videos, and while this may considered to be rumination; or maybe a self-fulfilled prophecy.
• Spring to Fall – The Britney Spears saga had woken me up of her dark adulthood thanks to the public putting a sunlight to the abuse in the California probate court system where lenient interpretations of “conservatorship” system had robbed Britney’s autonomy for almost her entire adult life. Sequentially. Jennette McCurdy, from Nickeloden’s iCarly fame had not only went public about the abuse she took from the show’s producer/creator, but her own mother. She became a celebrity at a young age without much of a choice. The stories between Nick’s programs from the late 1990s (Amanda Bynes) to the late 00s (Jennette) kinda showed me how I really don’t care for Hollywood now.
• Summer – I started to feel even more alarmed of what I was experiencing, and started using many of the lingo to my therapist. The Chronicles of a Corrupted Childhood’s first episode had a reference of Narcissistic Personality Disorder as a major factor to my how my adulthood was so corrupted.
• Fall – I continued to research and wondered to myself, how did I not catch this? Was I in the fog? Was a “structured schedule” of no less than 10 hours a week with separate supports was that stressful? Why does these services for impaired people have to be treated this way?

2022

• Winter – Started to see major faultlines with my mother. She had word-vomited with Social Security; while this caused a change of funds with the responsibility being pushed to me (of which I didn’t oppose but a sudden change in the hundreds bi-monthly was a shock) with it starting in March, but my state benefits had skyrocketed by the summer because SS was backdating nearly 4 months of funds that was supposed to be intended. My mother felt victimized because she want back to early 2010 where the person had said a lot of different things. The power differentials of a Rep. Payee and the individual means I don’t have to be on the call, but I wished she had said something to help filter her, because her filter had stopped working. I felt I was rightfully pissed because she didn’t filter her thoughts and as a result, I had gotten screwed the most. Blame-shifting to SS was the in house narrative
• March – A week after my 35th birthday, also 3.5 decades that was observed on 3 1/2 (heheh get it?) I had heart issues. Fluttering feelings in the chest, and the “blood gurgling through the vains”, in fact the problems began the day after Saint Patties Day, and on Saturday, the 19th, I went to my primary care for an EKG read, of which nothing unusual was found; while I had worn a heart monitor the following week, and Wednesday was the only other day I had issues, my therapist had introduced “bodily PTSD”. It was unclear whether it was the events over the “winter” or the caffeinated Starbucks Coffee or what, but all of this had a contributing factor for sure.
• Spring – my mother was teasing me in early April of which I snapped at her because she wasn’t getting full and explicit signs of to stop, of which meant she keeps on going. Within a mile home the situation started to get heated and as soon as she left the vehicle, she got quiet went right upstairs to her room and wasn’t to be seen for another 36 hours, except for the ol woman to update Gram to go grocery shopping for the two for Monday. Another instance of her acting out I almost ordered her to “control yourself” and she said “pick up the boxes then”, referring to a quirky practice of me not compressing recycled boxes.
• Late Spring/Early Summer – I asked my therapist why the neglect/abuse of NPD was not seen by him and he told me something to the effect that he wanted to validate my feelings; but his exp in trauma recovery is out of the scope
• Summer – I started to feel ups and downs, of up and downspikes with a few people, a common trait with Borderline Personality Disorder, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. “Feeling deflated” was a common theme, things that had been scheduled for weeks, suddenly got canceled, or events that was scheduled would get rescheduled. Fog started to build up again of what was the last tick-by-tick standing of a scheduled event. I do not have many push notifications on because I would get desensitized of which the ol woman has repeatedly been reminded. It was at the point, where I was expecting the unexpected or just expected nothing. You pump yourself up with expectations for something to get canceled and then you were expected to be available on a random day, as it was expected to be available on an unexpected basis.
• Late summer into fall – I continued to be riding spikes instead of peaks and valleys, and the up and down and un expecting something unexpected. Of course the blame was shifted for me as one individual had claimed they were “walking on broken eggshells”, an idiom for people who think they are working with a narc! I hate that idiom because stepping on an eggshell from an abusive relationship doesn’t cause infection as if you stepped on broken glass! I felt the latter by at least one support staff.
• October: I had threatened the idea of firing my support staff, and apparently that staff took it seriously and had then decided to not work for me after November 8th, but the confusion of working past October 25th made no sense, other than some employment security to ensure there was no gap in wage, but none of us had followed up, I was under the impression it was clean-slate. As of this writing, on November 11th, the staff came to pick up her time sheet and blindside my mother (of which I didn’t say anything because I didn’t think it was taken seriously) and myself because of the confusion between October 25th through the 8th (PTO plus a vacation day) but the idea of making up time when being attempted to let go was just another validation that this individual is in it to pay bills not to really help me outside of her working hours.

Present

I had came to the realization in the BPD/NPD environments of co-dependency (meaning I am on the receiving end to be a resource, for someone to cry on, someone to help lift something they could do on their own, or the perception I help too much) and other highly transactional things or acts or deeds. In late summer, I realized I was this close to being scapegoated, especially after fireworks around that time; and continued conflict and the ongoing clashes started to waken me up, that my time living with my mother as a prolonged temporary solution thanks to the neglect of the alleged peers from Ltown with strong NPD fingerprints; a lack of a strong support network is starting to crater.

I am considering liquidating things in my possession to clear the books out; to put spending freezes on things like Lego and Tech and ensure that when I leave, only a few things will remain (such as the data center and the PBX as that may not be able to move to a new living environment). I  do not know how much time I have remaining, the backstops presently is weekend respite trips; as November marches in with it feeling like late August; I know my time with my present support (which has shrunk significantly in 2022, 2020 with the day program has already been a given) is putting another challenge in an already challenging situation for me.

In a world without proper firewalls, when in doubt, blame yourself because you should’ve known better.