In this journal-esque post, I am recording what has been a crazy day.

*sighs*

Earlier this morning, I sent a mass blast to the VIP level leaders of my state about Autism Awareness Month and how things are systematically in the wrong direction.

In the nearly two thousand word memorandum, I outlined not supporting Autism Speaks and the state of Autism in the State of New Hampshire.

The people included were former supports, current supports, management level of my previously mentioned “core” supports, including my weekend respite (who works for the Commonwealth) and the former Commissioner, and everyone else I knew. The mother was not included, due to a potential conflict if she saw the memo. The individuals were blind carbon copied (and obviously these messages aren’t literally blind if you go through deep down the “headers”, but do they care to know that? No.)

The original email or memorandum will be posted separately. An unnamed individual who I know in my Concord circles responded by snipping words from that memo and completely missed my concerns with Autism Speaks. The individual responds with the following:

To start with, I want to tell you that I respect you as a person, and appreciate your willingness to speak up about things that are important to you.  However, I was disappointed when I read your email.  While you raised some valid points, and several that I personally support, I believe that message was lost (at least to me) because of the hostile and single-focused tone of the email.  At one point, you say, “While I may be a high functioning autistic, I am not angry or radical as some of the others you mostly see on social media for an example. [emphasis added]”  Perhaps it is just me, but I found your email to be very angry.

I respect the person as well, I don’t respect the person as a professional. However the individual added words to my mouth (over use of bracket symbols.) I believe “the message was lost” because the individual is professionally arrogant. Accusing me of “single-focused” was even more disturbing as this individual has their own views, (albeit very rigid views) and you ether have to agree or disagree. Anger was even more laughable as I didn’t drop any F or S-bombs unlike other advocates who say it publicly on the open packetwaves.

There was at least two paragraphs equating to 20 sentences and unlike my memorandum that was broken up (I’ll admit it was talking point quality) at least it wasn’t like a monologue.

Anyways, I was under attack on the personal appeal with the individual quoting me this:

I believe that it is important for each of us to advocate for all of us and not be selective or divisive.  That is why I found your 2 comments below (emphasis added to key phrases) to be so disappointing.

I was under siege with that statement, despite the Bureau of Developmental Services, some Area Agencies or even “experts” who are even worse of being divisive. I can’t do anything right, correct?

I know that each of us has a tendency to prioritize our own needs, and I completely understand from what you said in your email that you believe that you did not receive the services and/or supports you needed.

I don’t give a damn about “priorities” that equates to “politics” if you asked me

But, I can assure you, children with Autism are not “getting spoiled”.  Many children and their families struggle on a daily basis, and I suspect that many would say that they need more services that are currently available.  With the growing population of children with Autism, there is a lot of attention being given to trying to figure out how to meet the needs of that group.

The email closed with:

Sorry if this offends you, but I really felt the need to respond.

I wish you all the best,

I felt this was more diplomatic than anything else.

I responded to the individual with the following at around lunchtime. This time more mild language was used, but not obscenities or vulgarities like other “self advocates” shown here:

I’ll tell you why you’re are misunderstanding me. I had to deal with you for four freckin years yep, yep, and yep about your narrow, on[e] sided views. When will YOU take any responsibility for your selfishness?  You’re an establishment up against a younger generation of hopeless autistics and you’re just scared of that, not by my words. To be honest I don’t care about your son at this point.

 

I’m  lost by your talking points and I am going to warn you: Laconia is not the threat. The threat is elsewhere. I am so freckin tired of hearing about hearing about Laconia. It means NOTHING at all to me. Being out of districted was my version of institutionalism. I hear a lot through my day programs grapevine and I hear things through the AA and its not good. By continuing to deflect it is unfair.

 

But I am this close of giving up. It’s thanks to your peers of the established people who work in Concord and live in a delusional fishbowl. Ether I break the fish bowl or I just give up all together. I am this close to doing the latter thanks to your peers.

—

At 2:00 on or close, I was heading home from my day program. A neighbor of mine lives across the street from me who also attends too. The staff stopped on the street corner, what I classify my road as a tredtary because the road is less than ten feet wide with no double yellow or solid white lines. Regardless of the third class of roadways, people tend to treat my “Lane” as a thruway. And of that I do not feel safe (with reasonable standards) to get out on the backseat drivers door. I hesitated to wait for my turn but I was instructed to get out. I fired back to ask for her to drop me off on my driveway, 10′ closer to reasonable safety. She refused initially after I threatened that I complain to her superior in violation of the basic framework of Direct Support Professionals. And I stood by my ground after a minute of back and forth and door slamming and “Oh my gods” from the alleged Nepalan.

I texted the manager within minutes, and three minutes later (that felt like ten); called me back and resolved it within 3 minutes, with a followup by next week (when I meet with this manager.) The manager did not question me, or deflect, or do any spin cycles (which is why I trust this individual.)

Case should be closed now.

—

Now back to the first Hack. After that 12:00 exchange, by 5:00 this afternoon, the bridge least with that first individual had already been torched and nuked. This time it was no discussion and dare I say “no means no; stop means stop”

I truly have tried to be kind, but as your email below highlights, you respond with rudeness.  Your email is mean and was totally uncalled for.  Please DO NOT contact me again and remove me from any email lists you may have.  I hope that you get the help that you need.

Well being deflected and being treated like a 9 year old (again this individual works for a special interest group in Concord) is again a direct violation to the Social Role Valorzation framework as well! But again I had a handmedown diploma from Ltown so what the hell do I know?

Basically I am rude and she’s right. I am mean and disgusting, and racist and homophobic, etc. Oh and must be a racist too!

This is exactly what I feared, and while this individual doesn’t work for the State, these actions can be tolerable, because they don’t work for the State!

I replied back and said the emails will be purged immediately and all contacts have been deleted. This relationship with this individual is far from over. I replied this bullet point (original emphasis retained.)

Excuse my “rudeness”, “anger” or “mean” email as I am struggling to get ACCEPTED in you circles. What happens when your peers fall dead, where will be the twenty/thritysomethings take your lead? Who knows if [name redacted], etc will be there in the long run? I am upset because I am tired for my voice to literally and be figuratively denied month after month and year after year.

So the Hopeless Autistic may be a dead cause by the end of the week.

On top of that, my Twitter account seen to your right was taken advantage of some alleged autistic from Massachusetts responding very lentghy (i.e. beyond the 140 character limit) about my critique of #WalkInRed. It got so heated she screengrabbed my account and as a result I have put it to private until people stop violating copyright laws. I reported it to Twitter and hope this individual gets capital punishment for stealing my content without permission!

In closing I wished I was dead. I hope my brain explodes sooner rather than later.