My mother’s social network is very small, mostly two couples, that lean hard right. That barely understands this hot mess of my ASD, that is slightly below typical, but slightly above the average atypical. One of her “friends” has an un’dx case of ADHD, because of course it’s just like ASD. Notice how sarcastic I mean… it’s completely different. While the Fraud on Broad is dead, I believe this what infers to my “low-average IQ” that Ms. Bolick was selling to “the system” as broken-goods.

Another friend of hers is another extreme right-winger, who has a zero tolerance of children being children, and single tolerance to “normal” behavior. She also has a family member whose adult child is undiagnosed with Asperger’s because she had to keep fighting a Vermont school system to get diagnosed. That guy is living on the edge. These people wondered why my mother allowed me to do whatever I want (which was in retrospect not true, but she could deny it any day) but the “whatever Steven want” was mostly on small things that were intolerances to others. In realty these right wing, Christian-nationalists that do not tolerate anything that’s outside the white-Christian-c*ntersvative values is often discarded.

Both of these individuals just think I could apply for a job, and no problem, no foul because they refuse to understand the underlying issues that separates AS and ADHD from PDD-NOS (sensory, emotional processing, stamina) and other things that ADHD or AS lack.

On a thirteen minute thirty-one second PBX call from a couple stories, in a recent conflict with my mother, she mentioned to me her friends told (or asked) her years ago to her she “should’ve kicked you out”. These are the “Ken” and “Karen” types who think throwing the child out into the elements will toughen them up and make them resilient in the form of trial-by-fire.

There’s a reason why I keep arms length away from them. They do not support me, they want to conform me to their prejudices. They do not like anyone who isn’t Christian, who isn’t straight or white. Or atypical like traditional autism. I rarely use the word here, but my mother’s social circles is quite “ableist”, and for me using that word personally has to hit thresholds.

As for them… it’s clear that they think all parts of autism can be grown-out, that forcing them to be treated typically at all times (binary over dynamic like a fader or dial) will fix-me-up. And constant and static “instructional” training at  single-age is going to help to make up for the lost parenting. It’s almost as if the last 5 to 10 years, my mother has been channeling her inner-parent than anything else.

But again South Londonderry School knew my mother had a lower EQ and Teresa Bolick knew it too. But again the conspiracy theory, instead of throwing me in a group home and assume I would be severely autistic even for a verbal person to death, would be evaded by treating the mother as an alpha-mom type so by the time I would be in a group home. I would just be sheltered in her home instead, and loose all autonomy by 35. By using that logic, and the previous writings from this calendar year, this conspiracy theory seems to make a lot of rational sense.

You know, they tell you to surround yourself to good people.  For my mother, she has all the best cheerleaders, while I am perceived to be a toxic person, when everyone around me appears and can be somewhat verified has toxic tendencies. They claim I choose to be rigid, and choose to come off as a jackass, but they never look at themselves in the mirror. I will always come off as a narcissist even when I try to be the most empathic person in his part of the world.

I hate you so much God, you made an unintended consequence. I don’t why you would create a child where everything I do is all my fault, and even when I take responsibility others will still come off like a fucking victim? Why? I wished I was never to exist.