That annual paperwork, contract, it may depend on locale, but in New Hampshire for 21+ folks, it’s called a Service Agreement (since autism isn’t just for lost-little-boys; this is not an IEP portal.)

My case management is better than what I had a few years ago. It’s not to say I need to be careful.

I opened up a lot, basically adding a bunch of words based from our meeting we had on Zoom (which further depresses me that the offices are locked up but the Medicaid Waiver forced Community Based Supports is supposed to keep on going -even in a pandemic era (is any the disability “rights” activists happy down in D.C…. I’m talking to you ASAN!) You’re fucking ableist! Anyways in my room with this case manager – of which I haven’t met – yet! As the way the system goes, the state government is supposed to get a draft 60 days before it goes in effect (January 1st for me because the Manchester agency didn’t bother to inform the Nashua area folks the case was officially transferred in late 2009.) I recall in early October putting a long winded narrative of the last few years in the personal summary and personal statement.

My “inner-voice” was kicking in. One of my previous case managers was a Type-A, borderline narc, status driven, ball busting woman (which is not good for a female>male power differential.) That individual was very coachy, and I do not like coaches. Often if I made a mistake, it was the don’t-do-it-again attitude; or the most infamous line what do you mean when you say [x]? What is it you really want? said the woman who is very assertive, pushy, non-negotiable fancy-ass elitist class of woman who had more of a worldly experience than say my own mother. Boy did I feel like crap over time of the 4 years her putting up with me.

So, the what is it you really want, and what do you mean? was really calling up from the echos of the brain. Also things got tweaked around (and now these things get “peer-reviewed” – go figs) and some things got deleted because it wasn’t PC to the only politically correct institution in our state behind the Institution in Durham (UNH.)

So I cut a lot of it back. I was up against the one month extension (I didn’t even get the draft until a week before Thanksgiving) and I was waiting and waiting for over a month for the draft.  I don’t know what’s “right” or what is “proper”… I am still lost, in the 3 1/2 decades of inexistence, I still don’t know how I should be. At the same time this “inner-voice” reminded me to be careful how open I should be, because who knows in two years, I go through yet another change and perhaps in order to be “objective” in the New Hampshire Matriarchy, I may get a new case manager who may be the standard care taker in the Granite State that is full of self-obsession and disrespect to others.

I am not repeating that shit all over again…

#