I am sorry that my grandmother died, but after yet another subdue Christmas, and instead of celebrating what my grandmother wanted, the old woman preferred to be sad. Both of us have gotten really sick (wether it’s COVID or not it’s unclear) so that level of static uncertainty, of a borderline personality life is more complex than the people I’m dealing with.

To prevent holiday anxiety, my mother has taken the Twelve Days Of Christmas, (meaning when you look at the letter of the word, of, means following December 25th.) Great idea, but can we at least have one year of a Christmas, and even make it somewhat positive of what my grandmother would want? Normalcy is the part to recovery. Granted, I am told repeatedly people grieve in their own ways, and yes, my mother will probably be randomly triggered for the most random reasons, because she lived her live randomly to date. And if I get reflection of her on that, that would be a nice step forward in each other’s lives!

When another goddamneed zigger-zagerr got into my mother’s psyche on the day after Christmas, I felt like she was taking her anger at me, when I didn’t do a damn thing. She shouldn’t let these small family things bother her, and she shouldn’t be looking at metadata to try to solve stories to problems that will never be clearly solved.

My mother is most likely opting against counseling or therapy, etc. provided by the hospice firm. They only support a year following the death, and my gram died within 4 days of their watch, so we have been screwed over so much between the hospital, to hospice, (hell even the cemetery where mother nature did a damage on the mid month rainstorm that flooded the northeast, and where she’s buried, it was so bad she could fall off her grave! The ground hasn’t frozen beyond a couple inches, thanks to yet another warm fall!)

Anyways, this which leads me, the biological weaker man compared to his typical peers to go and actually reach out and actually engage with the social worker, to connect me to the bereavement coordinator on my own, without any expectations of her following me, since she’s so freckin masculine to begin with.

I was kinda in daze yesterday, sure, let’s watch The Santa Clause following A Christmas Story, little tree, at this point, oh and lets have leftover pizza the night before, I guess. Our traditional Brunch was *yea* close to being pushed off because my mother wasn’t feeling like it. Like a killer flu, the “don’t feel like it” can be infectious, and being forced to be somewhat feminine in agreeableness, because being assertive with a “no” in a non boldfaced manner, could result in coming off agressive by the emotionally fragile female in my life.

She is pushing me away by being emotionally unavailable when I need it, but sucks me into her emotional baggage.

I am literally done dealing with her. She has not read-the-room, and yeah while i am not always clear because I always talk political, and be cutsey, I for one will talk to her like she’s a 5 year old and say I am done with this crap! I feel she refuses to be resilient, she’s using my grandmother’s death to not live a better life with her in mind.

Now you maybe wondering why I am so decisive of Christmas being at least closer to the 25th. It’s not about presents, it’s more me giving joy of other with presents ironically. Trying to give joy to others under Jesus’ name. The problem is in recent years where prolonged Christmases, just kicking the can down the road just makes the problem of joy even worse. Did I tell my mother this? Not explicitly, but I had kindly said, let’s try to celebrate this sooner, yes my gram is gone, but that shouldn’t justify just pushing it off. My mother has been really clear that it’s a new normal, going to her grave on Christmas, sure, but let’s try to stay on path, and realize it doesn’t damper what had happened 13 weeks before.

My mother has been very clear all she wants in her life was her mother, and me (which you could make a case of co-dependency.)

The reason why I am so freckin anxious, is that our celebration will be well past to the new year, and I am tired of moving the goal posts. My mother will grieve so much, she will forget her own mother because she destroyed all the happy memories (the 2020, 2021, and 2022 Christmases were actually my grandmother’s favorite from our chatter) and she is remembering some really traumatic events that I had been a witness to, in the 4 days of hospice, and sadly I think she’s going to relive that, and purge all the bad memories.

In anyway to try to create a new normal, it’s best to mix some old happier memories, such has having a Merry Christmas, in the spirit of the missing loved one. Remember Melanie has been gone for 2 years, and I couldn’t tell anyone about my grief with her. Of course she was considered to be “imaginary” so what am I to kid…

So if Christmas keeps coming and going, and god only knows if I have a relapse, I am fucking leaving this house! I am continuing to purge lots of unhappy things I had inherited, and going back to the contingency plan of  living alone. I don’t even care if my mother was to give me the entire house, that’s not what I’d be looking for. This woman is acting almost like a child, and is refusing or not understanding her inactions is causing downstream effects to other people. I don’t care about the dreamy and long winded reasoning, it’s justify, justify, justify the unhealthy practices. She works in a white collared job, so she needs to be held accountable, but not by her hierarchal child.

All I hope is I could find a job, a healthy work environment, and hopefully there is a single female that isn’t a toxic hard right feminist, that isn’t going to think all I am is wanting pleasure in between her panties. But it has to be a two way street, something I know too well it’s just one way or the highway.

Wish me a lot of luck

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