Tag Archives: New Years

Leave the ship…because the family is refusing to course-correct

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I am sorry that my grandmother died, but after yet another subdue Christmas, and instead of celebrating what my grandmother wanted, the old woman preferred to be sad. Both of us have gotten really sick (wether it’s COVID or not it’s unclear) so that level of static uncertainty, of a borderline personality life is more complex than the people I’m dealing with.

To prevent holiday anxiety, my mother has taken the Twelve Days Of Christmas, (meaning when you look at the letter of the word, of, means following December 25th.) Great idea, but can we at least have one year of a Christmas, and even make it somewhat positive of what my grandmother would want? Normalcy is the part to recovery. Granted, I am told repeatedly people grieve in their own ways, and yes, my mother will probably be randomly triggered for the most random reasons, because she lived her live randomly to date. And if I get reflection of her on that, that would be a nice step forward in each other’s lives!

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TBT: NYE 2010

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Today is a Throwback Thursday narrative to this day 5 years ago. I moved out of town for the first time in my life, after moving to three neighborhoods as a kid. Londonderry had already abandoned me before I could abandon them. The area agency was no help, and I would switch over to a new area agency that I get day services through with Medicaid Waiver funding* and a new client directed services, which was so Greek, I’m not used to directing my own goals and pathways.

*I use this terminology to educate the public about the two types of Medicaid, and this isn’t the health insurance part, this type of Medicaid is not well known.

I moved to my new community with really nothing on my back other than my family DSC_0002and belongings. I remember watching the crystal ball drop – the similar one shown from my visit to Manhattan in April (just to know, the ball sticks around after New Years – just another reminder that any day in the year can be a New Year.) Meanwhile as the ball started to descend down, I noticed that I would start streaming tears. All the emotions of the previous two years after high school graduation, the pain and suffering a decade before, was getting released and tried to let it all go.

I broke down.

I don’t know who I’ll be watching tonight, (I haven’t watched Dick Clark since his stroke and passing, the Fox News Channel used to be my go to once they got rid of two good news anchors, Bill Hemmer and Megyn Kelly; and Carson Daily is still on overnights, do people even watch him?)

I don’t know what my emotions will be, but I am hoping that 2016 brings some hope. I didn’t anticipate how 2015 would be written. That’s what life is. You don’t know what crap will come and hit you. All you can do is stand tall and be strong and try to get through a day without falling into pieces. Many days this past year, I just couldn’t get up and some weeks (only a few) where I called in and didn’t show up to my program.

What I can say, is I believe there is hope, just you need to at times dig harder, and work more to find it. Perhaps to HFAs that’s “inspiration porn” but you know, maybe having some inspiration will help all autistics – in my state – of course.

I’m planning tomorrow to start with a clean slate, and just not anticipate or predict what happens; just get through a day and deal with it as it happens.

Happy New Year to all and to all a good night.