Recently, another family member that I mentioned early on in the YouTube days, passed away in August.
That family member was buried at the same cemetery as my grandmother, more on how and why that drama is sad is for another day.
However because the spouse and son plus the fiancee, counting my gram and nana and great grandpa, the space that claimed to hold ten, that the headstone engravers claim 8, is now down to 2 or 4 more.
Again the lone 37 year old in the lowest root of the hierarchy is feeling the emotions. The family member with a mental health now an early state dementia is unclear where they’re going to be buried. My mother wants to be buried with her mother.
My mother does not have a will yet, and my concern is that won’t happen; not that I want her inheritance but all the strings attached to my services not just my benefits. In order for that to work properly having the funds be in a trust instead, she needs three trustee types. Well those people aren’t that young either. One couple I do not trust, which is her fundamentalist friend; where her static world-view is on IDD is pretty much preset with no ability to gently challenge.
As I hear this stuff, I get anxious. Not having a disaster recovery plan a year ago, should’ve been a wakeup call. In fact loosing Gram was a disaster. I also temporarily lost benefits due to a misunderstanding on my mother’s end that caused the case to close as gram’s health was declining. Ironically, I would get a backpay of nearly two months, and screw up the Social Security, which lead that to ups and downs.
The benefits is one thing, the other was not having food to eat for a while. These were the nightmare scenarios I was freaking out several years before, fearing I wouldn’t have hands to hold when everything would crash!
And whose to say I will be going through another disaster in my lifetime – sooner than later relating to my mother? One of the discussions that was suggested years ago at the NH Family Support Conference was death and or grieving that was often shut down by the aging Boomers in the Planning Committee; well gee wiz, where was those resources when some families needed it?
I cannot deal with another disaster in my life. I cannot trust my mother to build a network, a fully separate and functional social type network at all. I have to rely on myself to find people to hold hands when things get tough yet again.
In fact I have a solution, I want my mother to burry my ashes, I do not need to be reminded yet again how she prides on being her 23 year old self repeated years later. If that’s too much pain, then it will teach you what I had to go through in the same amount of time feeling emotionally abandoned. No one will miss me, because they do not appreciate my existence when I am alive. As they say the mild mannered empaths go first because they take in all the energies while the other types let it out when they feel like it.
Of course everyone is going to think I just declared self-harm. No, I just feel so depressed that it would be too much for me to grieve again in the current state of affairs in my life. Of course my house will be in order when I go because I have held my shit together for all these years, that all the important receipts and other business related matters are well documented and kept in well-known locations. Of course, I won’t be around for being credited for that…
As WCBS 880 signed off as an all news radio station, let’s relive The Story of my Life through a well known Chant in an ad 20 something years ago
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