Defining Me

My Core Values (to other people I care about)

Clickford, Steven M.
Part of Defining Me, and Man-O-Festo
This disposability should never be expected at all, and that’s very demoralizing. I have felt like a cute little puppy where suddenly one day, the ol people in my life didn’t feel I was worth anything; throw “it”  (that’s me) to the curb, on a low traffic road – hoping no one would even notice what would become an abandoned object.  It seems like it’s legitimate behavior amongst the adults-in-the-room.
This could be long enough to be in a bio on a Match-type of dating site or app, but with the way women are narcissists, they wouldn’t give a damn reading a bio, that’s well written!
 I am not someone who waits by the telephone unless I am standing by for someone who agreed to reach out to me. While other people text message 3 short messages impulsively, I am someone who will put together a tightly-written message in a single instance, rather than hearing my phone go off 3 times for pointless thoughts. If I don’t respond within a couple hours, I have not forgotten them, I’m busy, but I always get back to people within 24 hours, because I would expect the same as well.  I never leave people that I know hanging. 
 
If I was to meet someone in person, I would meet them at the mutually agreed upon place and time. I am very punctual, sometimes late by seconds not by minutes or hours. I always try to come prepared in any situation. Somedays I come off selfish, but that’s a misunderstanding, somedays I miss other people’s points, concerns, etc. 
 
I do look out for the people I care about, therefore I am not selfish,  I see peers getting the short end of the stick, and people think I can’t see that. I often will stick up for the people I value with actions and constructive language (when possible.) I’ve since noticed over the years, that many of these negative individuals will dispose individuals like me; use cheap and destructive language – worse write someone like me off as if I have no future or growth. This is repeated fears of having any types of close relationships outside of family that was out of my control! This disposability should never be expected at all, and that’s very demoralizing. I have felt like a cute little puppy where suddenly one day, the ol people in my life didn’t feel I was worth anything; throw “it”  (that’s me) to the curb, on a low traffic road – hoping no one would even notice what would become an abandoned object.  It seems like it’s legitimate behavior amongst the adults-in-the-room.
 
The ideals of a person that I longed look for, are the opposite of the examples of past experiences, hence I was treated all along. I’ve learned the hard way good people are much harder to find than saying the cliche over and over.
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Suriving from Narcissistic Relationships from a Victim of One (Defining ME)

Clickford, Steven M.

Part of the Man-O-Festo series, in a way

I am a recovering survivor of psychological abuse of said groups (SPED and even the adult day program personnel of late) that seemingly have alarming amounts of narcissistic qualities. In simplicity, if you were to superimpose narcissistic traits against people whom I should trust in a professional sense, I would say the mix of the two would cause a very toxic relationship.

The war for power and control to an individual’s freedom is something that no one wants to admit at all (which in itself is like malignant-narcissism…)

Malignant narcissism is a hypothetical, experimental diagnostic category. Narcissistic personality disorder is found in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR), while malignant narcissism is not. As a hypothetical syndrome, malignant narcissism could include aspects of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) alongside a mix of antisocial, paranoid and sadistic personality disorder traits. The importance of malignant narcissism and of projection as a defense mechanism has been confirmed in paranoia, as well as “the patient’s vulnerability to malignant narcissistic regression”.[3]

From Wikipedia on Malignant narcissism

 

In context, I have been subjected to

  • Being the object one’s grandiosity
  • Being used as an object to project the offending person’s ego
  • Gaslighting is almost an SOP for the extreme narcissist
  • My safety could’ve been at risk because the malignant narcissistic had no regards to other people’s well-being because all they cared was themselves
  • Sadistic natures could be classified as low-tolerance for what could be slightly atypical behavior, and can be used for domination and punishment. (Others may had been literally sexually abused or verbally attacked by a typical professional in the world I once was entirely exposed.)

  And what’s very alarming is how little things have or never will change in the future. I know recent college grads that gone into SPED field with a very controlling, manipulative and gas lighting attitude and are unafraid to “punish” children or even adult that are much older than themselves. Noticing the same repetition of the professionals farming out into the real world, is extremely depressing. 

I want to be treated like how I should’ve been in the first place

With these experiences turned into treat yourself the way you wished you were treated. My philosophical views of my life is based off my in experiences. 

 

  • I value people if there is anyone to respect in the first place; I am not a pessimist, nor that I am as cynical when I was a child, but more skeptical and hopeful that not everyone is intending to be a bad-person. 
  • To feel of purpose – not of service.  
  • To have a meaningful and a reasonably casual relationship, and not to check one’s box. 
  • I like to be in a “safe space”, not from the popular physical-danger sense, but in a healthy social environment where any individual should be able to runaway and have conversations or express thoughts where someone like me could both feel like I am heard, and someone is listening, and the back and forth can be as reciprocal as possible. 
  • Responsibility by default should start and end with you. That word that should be implicit (not spoken out) and not explicit (where it’s said out loud)  “We” should be based on a group of individuals from the start but it’s best to say “you and me” or “you and I”. If this boundary doesn’t in the beginning, when things hit the fan, it becomes sad game of hot-potato, a simple finger-pointing thing uttering words that start and end with “you” which goes back to gas lighting and throwing people under the bus. You and I may just have a few more letters but it has more meaning over “we” and it draws a line of responsibility and it also enhances groups as individuals. You may read this for larger groups like teams, but even for a 1 on 1 friendship; I still think if people would apply personal responsibility, maybe people would stay friends longer, or even extend to marriages, etc. (the only thing you hear from the Jordan Petersons of the world is the “individual as a unit of people” however the collectivism is a nice way to write off a clusterf— of lacking accountability.)
  • Most often in my life, I had to “listen” to the self-centered professional and was expected to, while they would  choose not “hear” my concerns and rational opinions; in this way broke a “safe-space” concept of the ideal engagement by lacking validation and acknowledgement – because these people are expecting my groups of people have no potential to be engaging than interacting. “Interacting” is a low-level form of engagement you expect at your local Early Education Program – not for an adult!
  • When Adele’s Hello was popular circa 2016, I had resonated with a lot of the underlying lyrics. If you figured out by now, you’d know why I was singing this song out loud.

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