On March 13th, 2020, on my full day of my 33 years of existence at the time, would be my last scheduled day at my day program, because of the COVID pandemic. I do not know my official last day was on the books. My mother being, nice-gal had paid the program for March, even when we did not receive a monthly progress note. My preferred DSP’s last day would also be on Friday the 13th.

It wasn’t until a year later, that I figured out what occurred. And with my therapist, I had put the two and two together.

• Trauma from the previous Day Program Bled Through (January ’15-October ’16) played a huge role.  I moved on to the new program in March of 2017, I was in what was described by Big Boss as “vendor PTSD”, since I didn’t even know how to verbalize the abuse, it clearly was evident that the CPTSD played a huge role in cognitive dissonance, and gaslighting. I never had been in a place where someone could say a lie in front of a truth. This trauma had not been dealt with until a year ago; which resulted the proceeding program to receive that stressors.
• The relationship with the 1 on 1 stemmed from high stress. When there’s a high, often people tend to latch on.
• 1 on 1 was a people-pleaser. When I was developing a respite social night with the peers, the idea was it would be partnership of a supervising staff with a client of the program, with the typical and atypical team. The individual I think in retrospect did not want to let me down, but was a yes-woman.
• 1 on 1 was allegedly “experiencing”.  I have never been able to confirm this, but I suspected that the previous bullet was stemmed from an individual figuring themselves out at the price of your’s truly. Then by 2019, the individual didn’t want to be around clients, and wanted to manage because she couldn’t control herself or something wacky like that
• 1 on 1 was a brown noser, need I say more?
• The culture was a misfit – This program was more philosophical (at times very liberal.) Part of a liberally minded culture is “challenging” [at inappropriate times] such as high stress situations. You saw them on my logs.
• Limerence amongst 1 on 1 (but not in a romance/sexual matter) The breakup with the 1 on 1 support staff was very evident on December 30th of 2019 with that abrupt “buh-bye”. My therapist was picking the brain to think there was some type of atypical crush, but not in the romantic or sexual sense. The best word to describe was a limerence, but I would say it was relatively mild, but highly emotional at the end.  I didn’t get any boners with her. She was athletic as you could be, with a uniboob, ath-leisure, her strongest fashion IQ (which is pretty shllow); didn’t realize she would do-it too; a month after our last conflict she would become pregnant, something that month before she didn’t want kids. (OK I know this is TMI, but my brain can get a bit kinky and I get autistic/obsessively curious about other people’s sexuality, in a covert way mind ya).

There was a strong emotional connection, it didn’t get too close, but close enough to realize the relationship was not going to work out longer term.

The people who were around on March 13th of that year are the ones who are the worse offenders and the ones I have not expected any persons to take responsibility. The people who had left or didn’t have me as their client are the ones that I do not hold grudges.

The challenges continue as the days go by, and my life is passing by, but sadly the only way to treat this is to assume I am fully typical and deny the autistic side of all the PTSD. That includes rumination, the fear of being Bissell’d, fears of repetitive rejections. There should be an APTSD that has all the signs of an autistic situation as I feel ASD makes any other underlying condition 20 times worse because ASD makes any other disorder (mental or ADHD types) that complex.

If there is someone else out there to help me get out of the hell, that can lift me not pull me, and not expect anything in return…