In the fall of 2001, not too long after 9/11, and a few months before puberty was starting to percolate, I remember yelling at the school yard. I realized my voice went down at least an octave. It sounded angry. I had a baby-face because of my Japanese genetics. I remember yelling again not too long after, and again hearing the octaves go lower. It wasn’t just a voice change that I felt I needed to avoid, but among many other things the transition to manhood was going to be an ongoing situation for more than 20 years after the fact.

The loss of the innocence of a child is something I didn’t realize till I was in my early 20s, but in 2001, it was something that in a way – an “inner voice” that being an adult physically would be a challenge. I recall pubic hair starting to grow in late ’99. I grew leg hair, of which I had settled with that, along with arm hair. Facial hair was also a challenge (something to describe in a later narrative.) The sudden change from a boy to a manly body was something my brain I think had a dissonance; I felt puberty blocking was done through nurture by the feminist teachers working with all boys and their intolerance of boy-culture.

I was always curious to why boys’ puberty is more obvert than females. Girls becoming women are more subtle and go through stages in a couple of years, while boys mushroom into men suddenly. Why does a hormone that causes reproduction for males, involve a voice change, same with girls, to different frequency? The female stages I think seem to be important too. Also if they grow up very fast. Where I grew up, I suspected the girls looked closer to women than their age, and not to be creepy, but in the town I live now,  the younger girls look like their age, you can tell whose in middle school, vs high school vs college (oh wait they aren’t around here too.) In the town I once grew up the girls had looked like women physically. By the time they finished high school, they didn’t need to fit into juniors outfits anymore at 18.

I know my voice has driven people nuts, and some have settled, sometimes I have noticed people got traumatized. I felt so bad, but I had to calculate, was it better to be 5’10” with an Asian body and look and sound like a bully, if I come off one in some aspects, then growing up juiced up with extra shot of testies was going to make the problem for me worse.

The school system sucks, the special education probably still sucks. Teachers still insist boys should be entirely feminine, and not help lower the aggression instead of just throwing a mirror at their face. Or worse being videotaped within the confines of the annual release form for training purposes then be threatened the videotape would go into the “permeant record” they were so serious, how could I evade from that threat? I took it seriously.

My feminine nature of being in a masculine body, with certain masculine fingerprints has become more obvert in recent years. I do not have shame of being a feminine guy that’s straight and hopefully taken in the future. I feel that I am that “average” guy the girl looks for but for whatever reason she doesn’t go through with someone like me. I regressed a lot of the testies so I would get the “NOT A THREAT” status with the deep child-like empathy and emotional connectivity that wouldn’t been possible if I followed the dirty boys.

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