This year, I rebooted the Hopeless, Outspoken, Alleged “Autistic”, No community was built. Perhaps I had been slandered as an “ableist” in 2015 that never went away. For whatever reason, in 2011 to 2012 I had something going. I still have screengrabs of the Google search referrers.

I learned a lot of hard truths. Other than narcissism, and false perceptions of self-narcissism by others, that I am dealing with co-dependency issues; and now considering a relocation (again NOT TO RUN-AWAY FROM PROBLEMS, you gaslighters!) And then just dealing with a person who often considered me as a narc, pulled a fast one in early November quitting on me, while I kinda fired her, but it backfired.

But the worse part was the realization I was in my mid thirties and felt I blew it. And just when I was able to articulate who I was looking for… well that’s yet again too little too late!

The grief and pain of loosing my identity, and my soul being robbed in the end of the 20th Century; has put this year into a painful close. As of this writing there is a massive warmfront while 2/3s of the U.S. is going to be under snow or below freezing. December will probably end in the red in above average temperatures much like how 2022 was; but I feel like I have been below average for most of my life. The sad part was accepting the erratic climate, and my erratic self. Going back to me (because I wished we could have a white December once a while…) I went through a series of grief these last few years, most specifically the end of 2019 which was the start of figuring out all the abuse.

• Denial: This was the part where I didn’t believe I was that-disabled, which goes back a decade before (remember An Alleged Autistic?)
• Anger: An ongoing state of emotion of realizing oh-shit-my-life-has-been-tarnished! The anger of why no over-educated hack didn’t see that their misdeeds would cause this individual to rebel – hard!
• Bargaining – the Just-One-More-Chance, because there has to be second chance; to only realize that it’s all a fluke
• Unhealthy Wishful Thinking: The idea I would find someone cool to be around, boy would I be naive to think I could find the right people to be in my life? But again this is a fusion of Bargaining and Denial
• Acceptance. Not the #AutismAcceptance bullshit from fatass yuppie kids from the resource room, but the acceptance that my autistic conditions is a curse and a gift in some ways. I have to accept my shortcomings, and realize my life has been written off. I sure as hell didn’t win the lottery of having the best experts in the field, they were just as fucking clueless as one of their peers. I have to let go of some of my dreams and just move on and have to accept the cards as I have been dealt and sometimes I want to tell God to say, here’s some cards – Fifty-two pickup bitch!

From the media neglecting to report on the rise of cases, to some activists leading guys on for “dream jobs”, to being deflated in time for Christmas, same crap, different day. The adult services still wants people out in the community for 30 hours a week, but yet I never met my case manager, and it’s all been over the phone or via email, and or through Zoom, and yet those people are in bubbles, but we have to be out in theory.

I thought I was wrong when 2020 came, that the situation wouldn’t be as “hopeless”, but this year the politics of feminism, the focus on ADHD (oh wait this seems to be on a repeat…) being an autistic and being a guy puts me and my peers as Public Enemy Number 0 -at the highest level of obscenely broken groups of people.

I pray for a peaceful 2023, that should be canceled within the coming week… but according to the ten day forecast, it will be above normal yet again, mid 40s for New Year’s Eve you can’t complain about the weather in short term when the long term, it will be stormier and more dangerous.

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