Part two of a previous narrative

I took this in between mother’s birthday of April 25th and before Mother’s Day. I don’t support believing in astrology as a primary form of judgement… this magnet alarmed me more about folks that are Taurus that isn’t just hot headed. Things like “self indulgent” “materialistic”, “self centered” , “self righteous”, “jealous and possessive” This is now more of my mother.
I sometimes wonder if this happens when a Taurus ages.

I know other people who are Taurus too, and they live on their astrology, but the irony was I would bitch about my Taurus mother to the Taurus support staff then I’d rather her to my Taurus mother, which was almost like I was living a threesome!

It’s not really funny when you live in it. It’s not to say as a Pisces I do the same stuff, but I would argue its a state vs. situational. I could be a hot head if I deal with the same sons of bitches that don’t get me, but if I indulge, I try to be responsible. In this magnet I found at Newbury Comics, all listed descriptors described my mother, and again not that I take astrology literally, only when it hits you.

I also suspect that the fear of abandonment that may had began circa 2014 as I started to try to become less dependent on the mother, got accelerated through rhetoric, guilt trips and other forms of emotional manipulation that occurred during more stressful times. This may date back to the late oughts, but I saw very pervasive tactics done after moving to our new home. I’d go so far to say any animosity that was featured in other blogs, actually stemmed by poor boundaries. Some reader feedback was against me and as if I shouldn’t hate my mother attitude. If you see the other blogs that I had tagged for it’s time, you’ll probably see I was trying to say “toxic relationships” but it wasn’t in my lexicon – yet.  It took a fucking pandemic, then concurrently getting infected with COVID for a 10 day grounding by Mother Nature to figure it out.

This infantile behavior is likely from some undiagnosed PTSD that relates to my father; and his agressive, abusive asshole nature and his defensive, defiant and deflective behavior of him. She has never seek any serious therapy to deal with this, and she has said (as late as 2020) suppressed her trauma, In fact I had seen (with consent) a text message my mother sent to my therapist around the time of #LondonderryNHExposed podcast that my behaviors in the early parts of the pandemic reminded her of my father threatening to do a double murder in the name of love, the stuff Doctor Ramani talks on her platforms. By no means was I aware of that event, nor was I acting like that way as a state or even a trait anxiety. I must’ve triggered her and she was unable to cope with a flashback  other than to be scared of me.

UNRESOLVED TRUAMA HURTS THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU.

THIS PSA IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE @HOPELESSAUTISTIC. 

With the Taurus/Trauma aside, the level of entitlement was distracted by eating a home cooked burger as she felt that the mandatory 3 day work at the office would occur after Labor Day. 3 fucking days, at least 24 hours a week away from home. But she’s one of these people who feels productivity goes down the drain because of the natural socialization at the office (of which I have completely agreed with as she did the same damn thing to me in the last four years!) Of course when I told her the Surgeon General’s findings that loneliness is worse than smoking several packs a day (I forgot the actual narrative), then the script got flipped back against me saying that she didn’t want me to die sooner with her going to work. Wait she’s older than me, so that would make her more at risk…

And now I know why I want to have dinner alone. 

Ironically this is something I was planning to write something in the theme of On Cloud Nine, where the Mother Thrives and the Hierarchal Son Gets Fucked Yet Again During COVID. She has refused to even take any consideration that her line of work in the last decade and a half should be a privilege and for christ sakes alive (opps I just said her favorite word but I am pissed) for 3 fucking days a week, and she’s having severe injustice – she’s not fucking autistic! I am!

I sure hope to god she will come to closure with Gram if she looses the Wednesdays off because Gram passed on a Wednesday. Instead of a day to remember Gram by doing the things we would’ve done with her alive, has become the catch all errand and appointment day and other convenient justifications, ahem “excuses” to use Wednesday other than going to the Mountains or going to place in Nashua where she would’ve wanted to go or some shit like that. It’s also pissing me off because I have not completed the thank you notes following her funeral and passing because I have been so distracted wrangling with her or trying to recover from some other distraction that happened on a Tuesday or a Monday.

What really scares me is how living with her could all backfire if she gets laid by the company with her convenient justifications/excuses, and other sudden string pulling/going with the flow/BSery that has pulled me down. And she thinks her calling-card of tenure will save her from being laid or be demoted. I’ve seen a sign as late as 2019 that she should’ve worked on potentially jumping into another line of work (private equity buyout, went public the following fall and the expectations of a public company eating into the employees.) for most informed people, they should be personally be on alert if the company fucks you over.

My relationship with my mother is living in a really tight thread. If this even snags, this relationship will crash and it will permanently burn. This is one of reasons why I had frequented the Mall of New Hampshire on days where I have seen my family member at the psych ward on the East Side of the city., because I saw a cute girl nearly a month ago who I haven’t seen who works at one of those young/flirty/cute girl stores.  Nor am I saying she’s available or would fix my problems. Let’s just say slight levels of escapism to finding the mutual love, even if she’s a Zoomer.

Ironically a year ago I saw another cute girl at jewelry store at the same mall but never saw her again because I wasn’t unable to get to Manchester because Gram was in the hospital at all in August and that girl left that store the day after Labor Day, that only other time I was able to go up there.

This isn’t your typical crush, this girl was something unique as described in the vlog

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