Tag Archives: Death

Life and it’s Challenges

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I got sick again for the second time in just over a couple months. I got infected late last Friday, and I’m still really tired and stuffy.

As it approached the fifth month of my grandmother passing away, there’s been more uncertainty. My mother has not taken the loss well. Some of her behaviors noticed early on she has apparently reflected on. One of the reasons why she said to me in direct phrase “been a homebody” was she was afraid of something happening to her and I’d be fully alone. She also doesn’t feel mother’s presence. She’s even contemplated selling the house.

My mother still hasn’t reached out for support from the hospice care. I did find things that would’ve been useful for her, but this is the hyper-strong female choses, is stubborn to try to grieve a bit more better. Instead, she results in other acquaintances acting as their therapist while my mother tells the complete play by play story including the hospice’s front desk lady’s name in her stories.

Her work environment  is not that healthy either. A co worker whose got an annoying personality is becoming an injustice. My mother’s work ethic is her own curse. It’s hard for her to emotionally detach from. If the person has annoying personality, but is doing more worse stuff, annoying habits shouldn’t be the most outrage.

Later this month will mark the 6th month mark. I’m already preparing for the worse.

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A Tale of an Autistic Condition, Death, Family and Perceived Co-Dependency

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Recently, a family friend in the north end of town’s father passed away. the friend was once my mother’s co worker, and has a son with ASD, higher functioning, but unlike me, is less verbal. Pay attention to the phrase “higher” functioning. I’ve not seen the family in ages, dates back prior to the pandemic as well.

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What the HELL is wrong with my Mother?

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Thursday was wild. My mother went into a very mind numbing breakdown. On Friday she owned-up and recovered and we opened up. And she also even admitted selling the house because she sees my grandmother in the house still. By yesterday, my mother looked at the Lock Screen of me holding my grandmother in the hour or two following her passing.

She as a bit erratic last night. Today, as well-anticipated Super Bowl is near, my mother is binge watching CSI (ironically that takes place in Las Vegas).) Just before 1:00 was there anything on the on screen guide of any NFL Films documentaries of the two teams like would air when I would watch the Bowl for the Patriots. But when i tuned to CBS, I found a documentary on the history of their long time pre-game show The NFL Today. Well produced, I came right down at 1:05 to check and she had no interest when I came down the stairs in excitement, she thought it some real breaking news.

Because my mother’s lack of self regulation, we were supposed to play a board game and sure I could’ve checked in to be clear (and not assume, which is very signature of co-dependent relationships), but she looked like she wasn’t interested in that either.

I would excuse my mother, but if I was to quantify these episodes in the last 20 years, I’d go into the low four figures. To say I cannot be annoyed or inconvenienced at my age in my life would make the older people in my life a bit childish on their part. yes, my grandmother fucking died, and she was only in hospice for less than 72 hours. Sure the American healthcare system sucks, but does that mean that I am supposed to be subjected to already alleged-borderline personalities and the menopause factor?

It’s been only 20 or so weeks following the unfortunate, the sudden but slowed death of my loved one impacted me but you never hear me make it a justification of emotional unavailability. My mother isn’t home emotionally and the living room is also her bedroom for the forcesable future. A room where you can’t put your emotions at the door because that’s also where you sleep.

For those who are keeping tabs, she hasn’t seek out help. Relying on books and Meta fan pages to rationalize her grief, parasocial connections is helping her carry on as I still feel lonely going through this myself.

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Chickens are coming Home to Roost (“My Mom”)

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My mother had used the phrase “my mother” or “my mom” or sometimes where I would inadvertently chime in from the dining room she would say “I’m talking to my mother”. I had also unintentionally would trigger her by saying the way she says “my” sounded “possessive”… well… I have something to say about this…

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Grieving On My Own (Because the Old Lady Wants to be Hyper Individualistic)

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I actually texted to our social worker from the hospice care shortly after Christmas trying to reach out to her to meet with the Bereavement coordinator to get the ball rolling between me and them. They provide support for one year following the death, and as i previously stated, my grandmother had less than 5 days of care on their watch.

So now we’re down to less than 8 months. Shortly after the text message, and before New Years, we received a holiday card from them, specifically with a handwritten login credentials to their portal on the very bottom. If I remember correctly, there was also a letter sent with them offering us to log in. Sadly, I’ll probably have to ask my mother for it if she hadn’t already hoarded it and piled it into a pile of papers of which I am not allowed to see.

According to my mother, she doesn’t ask help for much and she’l tough it out and look like a narcissist with someone looking empty but projecting phony substance. 

I don’t want to say much about my family at this point, but I do suspect my grandmother’s pride was abit cocky. DIY is not always the best approach.

This week, my task is to find that login information. If I have to ask my mother, so be it! I have given my mother so many miles of her maladaptive behavior and yeah she lost her mother, well I lost my grammie too! But it doesn’t excuse the matters of borderline-dysregulatia in the most toxic and emotional sense.

On Reserves (August – September 2023)

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Just over a couple weeks taking a 2 night stay in Keene, my grandmother started to develop her issues that resulted her untimely death in late September. For more than 1/2 of August, she had stayed at the nearby hospital. The 2nd stay was for 2 straight weeks going into September. Then not only 4 days later, she got brought via ambulance, then was basically on her death bed, unbegntost to us, then about a week later (would’ve been a day earlier but due to the alleged storm that was Hurricane Lee, the homebound trip via a private ambulance, and little would I know that it would be three days later she’d be gone.

This narrative is not about my grandmother, but I am not also trying to come off as a victim or whining. This story is what happens when you have no one else to fall on, but then you become someone else’s “rock”, being the default manly figure, to a guy that’s already been depleted. Hence, why I refer this to being “on reserves”.

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Life Update

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First off…

https://www.instagram.com/p/Cxngq-KuakY/

My gram has passed away on September 20th, a day before the fall solstice where it was her favorite time of year, it would’ve been 3 weeks to her 83rd birthday.

This extended a month and a half of emotional dysregulaia (I know it’s not a word, but you get-it). Yes for sure, my life is not going to be always perfectly normal and there’s always going to be a normal day.

my mental health has been a bit unstable, but I wouldn’t say extreme either. The emotions has been really raw, because the way my grammie passed away was not what I was living in some fear in the last few years. But on the other side, I kinda knew my gram was on even more borrowed time than in early August. But it came out nowhere too. (More on this at a later time.)

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