Tomorrow (or late tomorrow as I was born less than an hour before Friday the 13th, 37 years ago) will be my birthday. A few weeks ago, I was going to go low key because the last couple of years was extremely uncomfortable, and I just let it slide. My other took time off work, and I actually just kindly negotiated doing 1/2 day on Saturday and yesterday a full day today going to the mountains, as it was cold and snowy, the cold will stay up there tomorrow just without snow.
As you know, I’m a snow angel!
I know I am seen (sometimes in a creepy way from mama-bear types), I want to only be seen by pretty ladies, and be heard by virtually everyone else. That’s all I want at this point. I’ll be nice on my mother’s birthday, Mother’s Day or hell even Father’s Day and my Gram’s birthday even if she’s not with us physically. I don’t want to share the attention and sympathy anymore. It’s my day dammit!
Tomorrow will be a more subdue day. There were times this weekend where I apologized or felt bad. Factor that there was lingering emotions from my paternal grandmother where I felt I needed to discuss it with at the right time. Well I’m glad I unfortunately did it earlier this evening at home, my mother got really triggered, dominated the conversation (that I initiated and was talking about from my view…see the theme here?) It’s a fucking birthday, it’s supposed to be all about you.
But conveniently my mother decided to flip the script, “perspective” in the form of downgrading one’s realities and the “three sides to the truth” (“‘hers, his and the truth”) I am a weight based person, where I way all facts and see if each individual holds weight. Journalist self, must be crazy!
I get complements of self awareness, but it seemed to be yet another script flipping as if my mother has been struggling emotionally.
The issues with my father predates my birth, and his alleged narcissistic tendencies, so I was born into trauma. Earlier this evening, I learned more about how twisted he was. I don’t give him a pass. At all. Even if I am a rigid autistic, I don’t give people who are an asshole any passes, the actions speak louder than intent. The reason why i bring him up was after rebooting this blog, the toxic masculinity of Kevin Samuels, and Andrew Tate plus 7 Dwarfs that worship Tate through the manosphere podcasts, going against intersexuality and even worse, there’s an undertone of anti-autism and pro-Eugenic undertones. Growing up with the lack of trusting men (of which I discussed on my YouTube recently) – there’s a reason why I refuse to hold a masculine frame, whatever the hell that means.
Because I am always “challenged” for having “rigid thoughts” ALL. THE. TIME. I do not feel enough or worthy. It was one of the reasons why I was so obsessed about celebrating my existence in the first place. But this time, I just want to be me without being called out like the 364 other days that often comes off passive- agressive or severely teased. I know I am seen (sometimes in a creepy way from mama-bear types), I want to only be seen by pretty ladies, and be heard by virtually everyone else. That’s all I want at this point. I’ll be nice on my mother’s birthday, Mother’s Day or hell even Father’s Day and my Gram’s birthday even if she’s not with us physically. I don’t want to share the attention and sympathy anymore. It’s my day dammit!
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