Outspoken Autistic

March 12th, 2022 – the Big 3-5, and perhaps some hope!

Clickford, Steven M.Leave a comment

On my birthday last Saturday, I had entered into the midst of my thirties more lonely, isolated, feeling used and broken, and less confused. The day before, I realized “I can do this, I can turn around my life, it’s not like I figured it out after 50, 60 or even 75.” Perhaps another five long years, and maybe my life will be back to before my life ended at 13.

The highlight of the day was actually something I’ve kept to myself till today. I figured out what makes me attracted to certain females – the bubbly woman type. We went to Middlesex County and had my birthday lunch at The Cheesecake Factory at the Burlington Mall, after that, we went around the mall. In between the two, I noticed a younger lady was working at one of the anchor store’s entry from the mall side. She seemed to be playful, mindful, etc. Recently I had been more open to discussing particular female types, but bubbly-woman type had a lot more than just being outgoing.

In the notes in my journal, I described the following:

  • very outgoing
  • average IQ
  • average or near average EQ (if compared to an abusive well-educated man)
  • seeks non threatening people
  • very forgiving
  • soft spoken (it’s not just high pitch, but melody of the pace of words spoken, the pitch of certain words, and the delivery of it. For me what triggers attraction is the pace and pitch that matches the delivery of her speech. In fact, for my ears, I tend to seek soft spoken people in the first place.)
  • has the biggest heart
  • openness to others, but could be closed to certain types of people.

Prior to, I didn’t realize that very forgiving, and openness to others would hand-in-hand with a Bubbly Woman type, but I would easily add those two. A strong bubbly female loves to be in the presence of non threatening people. Given that I am non-threatening (as a perception by others) 95% of the time, it’s much safer to be around a bubbly female type because there is a mutual type of security between the two humans.

You see these sweethearts in many places, from the keyholder at the local Claire’s, to places like a make up demo artist. What’s also interesting is gothic girls, or ladies who are in alternative fashion can be just as feminine and sweet as a regular fashioned one.

The question is, now I am able to identify them, how do I put this into a dating profile, or meet up with one?

Did my Schoolage Classmates Neglect Me? Hell yes!

clickfoLeave a comment

I grew up in Londonderry, New Hampshire, one of the largest populated towns in the state of New Hampshire. The population at the time I left was 22,000, but registered voters was really around 12,000, which means there was nearly 10,000 children (because that’s a good barometer to get a real feel of whose the grownups in town.) Many of my peers registered to vote, but never voted in town in Londonderry, when they became adults.

This predates to when you could see the voter rolls, because it was pursuant to RSA 91a, but you know the women’s interest groups (err Domestic Violence organizations) fought their way to make it private because men apparently use it to stalk women, or some batshit crazy defense. (Let me be clear, the women’s groups in New Hampshire is much different in other states, because women have rights without responsibilities that come with the freedom to be an adult female.) As a result, more corruption at the individual level was protected. Jesus, I miss the analog days…

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Outspoken Autistic: How Will Your People Handle You on Your Worst Day?

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The worst days in my life was when I was in 6th grade. The six years of elementary school for it to all go to hell in a matter of weeks. I had constant meltdowns, I was physically aggressive, and screamed, yelled, and cried often.

As I got much older, much of the other elements of the aggressions changed, and was more subtle, or more controllable. Unlike the days of 6th grade, the rough days were sporadic and less consistent.

In the last 10 years, I have been one of those guys who jumped from one program to another because of mutual conflict. But some of this resulted in one of those Worst Days ever, according to them. As a result of not forgiving the individual, they shut them out.

In the case of my last day program, I flipped out on a summer day in 2019, the one on one DSP basically gave up on me within a few months. Obviously I can’t control how she felt, but at the same time, she lacked the ability to forgive me for any of my mistakes during some of those heated moments. And it wasn’t all my fault (I mean I don’t wake up and choose to be stubborn and lack empathy because the DSM-says-so.)

What happens if I get permanent work? What happens if I have an S.O.? What happens with both see a “worst day” and give up on me? How can I accept they give up on me if they don’t have perspective? Are you telling me that I am supposed to accept that and then take more flack instead of slack?

What do you do when you have the worst day ever? Why do you get the slack, when I get the flack?