Discussing intelligence with me unlike the vast other autistics that can speak for themselves, is a touchy subject. I personally don’t think its anyone’s business to know what their IQ score is or what they know about or don’t know about.

I try to remain modest and keep my feet on the ground as I try to reach for the stars. Some won’t take the late Casey Kasem’s advice and go the polar opposite. I do not want to say I “play dumb” but I have to be honest: because if I am so good, am I too good to fail? I might me smart enough for college but may not be emotionally competent or have the stamina and drive due to meeting demands and having to explain my autism to every professor in the beginning of every class so I god forbid don’t be plastered as a fool.

This touchy subject was brought up about a week ago in my day program, which I am still only there only one partial day due to various inconstancies of management (I fear the stabilization will take another year. :() One was brought up by the management, another was a staff/DSP. The former brought up in a private meeting about how smart I am. I responded that I’m not smart, but not naive and I am just very aware of my surroundings.

Meanwhile, the DSP type did not hold any judgement when discussing about general self advocacy and the differences between the Commonwealth and my state. She told me that the Commonwealth believes things should be more towards the individual and New Hampshire is behind the times. (Excuse me while I’m laughing out loud – not to her personally, but it’s hard to believe in a state known for scandal after scandal for decades on end, how in the hell can Massachusetts be so forward thinking when so many of my peers in my age bracket have fallen back – in Essex County – one of the most vulernable  areas there.)

I was pretty shocked that she would believe in that unless she knows more than I do. I can tell you for sure the educational collaboratives may think differently or think like New Hampshire.

Anyways, that DSP type went so far to use an example saying – to me- that “you may be much smarter than I am on some things” and we kinda debated if such judgement should even be used.

The reason why I am so shocked, was when I came to this program about a year ago this time, the program – to be honest have a lot of lower functioning people who weren’t educated well enough (because some were from Laconia) so many are not in the client directed services system that the state’s Bureau of Developmental Services would like everyone to be in. To be honest, despite the number lower functioning, I came in with that mindset, and I have had previous experiences with this peer group over people in the same functioning range as me. I am still puzzled to this day. I came to this program with lower expectations over higher abilities because I knew somewhere inside of me I am so borderline between needing to be monitored or micromanaged or “bossed around” or have freedom and flexibility. While the first year was rough, the second year looks to be different. But what really is shocking me is how they are so focused on the functioning abilities, and the possible dangers of over inflating ones’ ego or their intelligence. Perhaps I am more intelligent in enterprise tech, but I’m certainty less intelligent than say a person with Asperger’s who can code and tinker with things, and for someone like them to call people like my group “retards”.

As my primary care would say “labels are b—s—t.”