I’ve realized in the last 10 years, out of the last 7 I did some massive reflections, but was that a good thing? I say yes.

Why?

Because sometimes in life, you need to look back and see what you done, why things “in the moment” went a certain way to move forward.

Because finding professional help is hard to come by in my state (and as I’ve stated before, I live in a civilized region…) so in the meantime I’ve not self-diagnosed myself per se, but I’ve tried to analyze what’s wrong with me, find a professional, confirm what I’ve been through then report back as a record to my area agency and the state’s DHHS.

My initial plan was figure out, if it was me or something else. Something else could be the system, the people I’m working with or again something outside of my control. These emotions and sensations date as far back as early 2011, and have accelerated especially in the last year, at the time where I’ve been trying to find help. I’ve been previously burned by several significant “experts” in this area, so to rebuild trust with 8 year people would take time.

I also never thought of using a search engine to find out people’s records. It goes back to the upbringing of “trusting the people” or the “professionals”, why would you search someone? Why would you search for your future date? Such actions would be “I think you’re a creep, and I want to be safe” – isn’t that showing weakness or lack of initial trust?

After being burned by the “experts”, I’ve used search engines, Wikipedia, WebMD and compile a network of data, and verify those sources and then have a conclusion. I’m one of information is power, but I also want confirmation of how able I am, how much I am a risk to myself, to others financially, psychologically, a burdon to others, etc.

People say I have a confidence problem, I say I’m borderline, and I don’t make that up. One instance I could be on the level of high functioning, but I could be risky in others. I have done various state required assessments, but it’s not like school with the infamous “3 year” reevaluation. Basically “labels” become illrelevent, but with the Managed Care coming forward to the day services, maybe it will be relevant again.

I’m not trying to shoot myself down, but I also don’t want to glorify myself ether. If I am not honest with myself, then I wouldn’t be honest with you and that not be a good healthy service to you, the reader, or the people in my life. But also I do not tolerate blaintent lies, complete defamation against me with unconfirmed facts. If you do something like that, then you have no business to be in my life ether.

I used to say I’m a complicated PDF document of 8,000 pages, and has gotten to the point I can’t figure myself out – at all. Again, if there is hope, someone will figure me out so I can move on, so perhaps others can feel the same.

One hopes.