Category Archives: 2020: Hopeless Autistic (2015-2017; 2019-present)

Published on WordPress.com from late 2015 to part of 2017. Anger or resentment in such tone is for historical purposes only. It has been incorporated into clickfo.me platform on July 2021. I actually saw the writing on the wall that the developmentally delayed system was in failure within five years. While I wished my prediction was wrong, it actually did happen, and COVID19 was a big distraction. Some of the resentment fired up in the #LondonderryNHExposed podcast series in late ’20, early ’21

Happy Fucking Father’s Day…

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After a situation in March of 2019, when my paternal family came for a “surprise” visit for my birthday along with my paternal grandmother… little would the rest of the family know about that surprise.

That also includes two half-sisters who had no idea they even had a half-brother. Not to mention these are adult siblings. Well into adults.

My cousin who used’a live the next town over, had posted this on Father’s Day 2020 on her Facebook. While I was no longer Facebook-friends with her; I saw this on her timeline…

She tags a boatload of Uncles and my father as one (redacted for the purposes of this site.) Even cousins acting like father figures. Her biological father is an apparent technophobe (guess Uncle Michael should’ve used a Macintosh instead.) that’s why there’s no mention of him in this post.

What do I have? Boston TV anchormen of the 80s and 90s? Yeah. My life is more shallow than a 20 year old. Most of my family in cousins are much younger than me leaving me to be the oldest grandchild of my Bachiyan, Japanese for grandmother.

Between March of 2019 and June of 2020, I was blaming myself for causing a ruckus on Facebook when my aunt and Bachiyan arrived for my birthday. But once I realized how my father didn’t tell the adult half-sisters, I started to realize something very telling…

I do not exist at all to him. That I am a dead fetus that should’ve occurred to begin with. And if I was born a female, perhaps the outcome would look more like the screengrab shown above from my female cousin! It was at that point I realized, there would be a different outcome if I was born a female. 

Excuse me while I continue to find someone whose got a great father-figure I long to have…

Phase II of the #HopelessAutistic – When it Impacts Me

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In my written works of The Hopeless Autistic, I cited the reasons why I felt “hopeless”. That being:

  • They won’t be able to find an ideal, and reasonable day program
  • They won’t be able to find an ideal support staff
  • That they will not be able to have a reasonable and healthy social life
  • And won’t be able to find love

Since the original writings from 2015 to 2017; this has gotten worse. I had been basically let go without warning from my day program in the midst of the pandemic. Support staff is better, and now it’s all 1 on 1 going forward. The social network continued to erode and in fact it wasn’t even strong to begin with, especially with the Facebook-friends. Let’s not even touch love with a 10′ pole, looking back, that was hopeless from the start.

So I was basically right (even though I wanted to be wrong) that in 5 years, the system for individuals with developmentally delayed conditions would get screwed over, and that was pointing to the year 2020. Well COVID19 just distracted all of us. Now that the pandemic is allegedly in a managed situation, the managed care is returning back.

In the next five years, unless a miracle happen (which is slim to none at this point…)

  • Autism or ASD like conditions will continue to not be well known.
  • ASD will not be classified as an “invisible” disability, like it should
  • Ignorance about autism, and arrogance of it’s potential will accelerate
  • Millennials are slowly having children, and they may have an autistic child; but they will be just as clueless as their Boomer parents.
  • The mass ignorance of the general community, and the present lack of strong voices to provide positivity to help people like me to move forward.
  • The biggest fear is I will be written off the books because my disability (despite statistically showing I need a lot of support) because autism is not a physical handicap, and therefore it shouldn’t be funded.  

With my family shrinking, with my social subnet shrinking, no new people are open to me to be part of their life; let’s not even touch the S.O. opportunities at this point, that is clearly Game Over. With the lack of growing, the lack of learning, the lack of forgiveness of others, the lack of general awareness to my group, this is really going to get a HELLUVLA LOT WORSE before it gets even close to “better”.

I was gaslit for saying “the system was on fire” by 2016, and was told the state agency didn’t see it that way. But I saw the cracks and saw the sparks, and now in early 2022, the same thing is coming for my life. I am desperately scrambling for my life of when that dreaded day where I may loose services only because the politics of the dev disabled is only getting worse.

You folks were The First to Know “the system” was on fire in the State of New Hampshire. Hacks like Dan Habib decided to cover it up to instead produce inspiration porn to deceit you. But I am not a filmmaker. I carry an ENG camera and I will continue to speak more assertively in 2022 in the #OutspokenAutistic series of content to wake living fuck of people to understand I could be totally screwed by 2027.

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Self Hatred

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Hate is not learned, it’s taught

Growing up in a micro institutional environment, even if you could go in and out within six hours, miles away from home; it sure felt like a traumatic experience.

I am not a self-centered person, because I can’t speak for anyone else with ASD with authority except for me, because I can only speak with certainty of the challenges in life.

I am still looking for purpose because it was wrongfully taken away from me 22 years ago. To say it’s just me is standard gaslighting and minimizing my view of reality. 

I am in a situation where I am at a point where I am seeking other’s admiration as a form to feel less self-guilt. I felt like I had held grudges because it was my doing, to only find out people really don’t care about me as a whole. Not that I can not make up lost time, but to build quality time in the present with a new outlook with either family or peers.

And that never happened, hence why I severed ties with the Londonderry bunch and then created Londonderry NH Exposed because that the cleavage of in-experiences between me and them would be further spread. Worse they are completely apathetic; only because I am the only person they know who has autism (and this when I started to doubt the statistics because it didn’t make sense.)

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The Hopeless Autistic: Decade In Review

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The Autism movement is barely a teenager. However it’s one bratty child. The movement really began after the infamous MMR link written by Dr. Andrew Wakefield; and at that point parents who were so stubborn that his science were accurate, started to begin a trend, new organizations would surface, older autistics in the “first generation” (those born from the mid 80s to early 90s) would start to speak out (but in a shuffled manner)

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The Hopeless Autistic: S*it I Don’t Tell MAN-agement, But Write in a Blog Post…

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New stuff, not from the original site

You ask me what I want in a Day Program? Wouldn’t be great as a 32 year old to not have to go on a 12th grade school schedule? Those ‘Typicals can have some really cool work schedules where they go north when everyone goes south, and comes home south when everyone is going north. It’d be nice to start work when the sun is literally in the middle of the sky. It’d also be cool go out and socialize with open minded people before I go home so I can go home with a smile. But you always infer that I am supposed to be anxious, and depressed and be called out on it as if its my fault… like I choose to be obscenely autistic and be a badass.

It’s like saying when I lost my pet fish in 2014, I didn’t properly clean the tank to VERY pristine fashion and didn’t feed my fish for dinner not just at 6 o’clock but 6 o’clock zero seconds, zero milliseconds!

No wonder why I feel like a totaled car!

Managers are like goddamned professors and their effing philosophical minds…

The Hopeless Autistic: When a Day Program Creates Hopelessness

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New topic with an old subject title. It’s an ongoing situation, names and locations will be withheld written originally for my named page in December 2019. 

I am currently in a better adult day program to help me be less dependent what some call “the system.” There is no perfect program, no perfect staff, but situations are far from realistic.

I am getting a unsettling sensation that I am getting unfairly pushed out. I have an invisible disability, and because I am not in a wheelchair, I am not needy. I am not disabled-enough!

The Vendor, that I will leave nameless had went through a bunch of changes in the last six months. Change and autism are an oxymoron. This isn’t a standard “change”. These were core support people ether left or got reassigned. Changes in the corner office impacted people I went to for various things. It wasn’t just one person, it was an admin assistant, a mid level manager and a direct support staff that got promoted into entry level management.

All within 2 months. One of the departures was filled in through “attrition” (something that I have not heard since the Financial Crisis in the private sector, or a New Hampshire municipality at the said time.) This to me is raising flags. The next line as this writer who is no longer as naive anymore: “nothing will change.” Well guess what? The staff has changed, became more managerial, and any attempts on my part to try to heal the broken relationship of under 2 years has been spiked by management. I have been the only individual in the “team” who was willing to give another chance to improve the relationship. I waited for several months (because I am generous to give 2 of the 4 months to mgmt because I am a forgiving guy. That’s not sarcasm, that’s me.) And theres been line after line, after line that they will not admit as an excuse.

The situation is more autistic than me. But I am forced to take the slack, get the flack, and I cannot fault management for anything. Everything, 110% is my fault.

Since the summertime, I’ve seen more resources being directed to ones who are physically disabled. For someone whose has a “higher functioning” developmental disability, I think what the management has chosen to ignore is higher intensity of supports that can be argumentatively be equal to that dude in the ‘chair.      

The implied deflections, the lack of a team game (meaning that staff or managers taking responsibility if they screwed up), and the apparent pissing matches, and no staff listening, but cutting me off, or trying to shut me up (loud hum-hums over normal speaking volume of staff), has put strain on others.   My mother is apparently hurting, the reactions and frustrations posted on my Facebook for friends-only to probably ignore me.

I try to learn to “let go” but they are smart enough to know I am trying to do that to punish me in the form of the said actions. It’s truly a damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don’t. In 3Q of 2019, I’ve neutered myself so badly, to the point where I just don’t care anymore. The system rewards people if they are so broken – physically. The only way to overcome autistic conditions is to basically break your neck.

THIS IS HOW LOW THINGS ARE HERE. AND I HAVE TO STFU AND MOVE ON. 

During some early mornings I’ve asked myself “My purpose here [other than the mother] is what again?” 

This is an ongoing story, more details to follow once the situation stabilizes, if it does.

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The Hopeless Autistic: Giving up on Self Advocacy

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Originally posted in March of 2018.

The following is my own opinions only and are not reflective of any organization or individuals. Also any influence by any organization or people are not reflective in this post as well. This was from a time and place from my own observations.

I was asked by an out of country commenter what have I done for any contributions while I had been critical of certain self advocates with the infamous “Ableist Script” on Twitter in late 2015. Touching someone that doesn’t want to be touch could be considered as discriminative behavior in their fucked up world.

Anyhow as I responded I was on a planning committee for an annual “family support” conference for a number of years. Located at a couple different resorts over the years on US302 during the end of NH Spring vacation; I left the committee after being heavily burnt out. I was the only member in his twenties, second to two teenagers. I was the only individual with a developmental disability who actively went to a simple and rhetorical committee rubber stamping meeting.

Yeah it was to me a form of advocacy, but did it get me anywhere?

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The Hopeless Autistic: Downgrading the Importance of “Family Support”

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Originally written in June 2018

What drives me over the edge is the ridiculous insanity (that is, repeating the same idea and expecting a different result) is the importance of “Family Support”. This “Family Support” is basically all ‘typicals with a one degree connection to someone with a disability not someone specifically with a disability. They are forced to live in a box entitled Self advocates.

Taking out other disabilities and focusing on what this site has been over 2 years, is the ones who have been living with it for life. Why in the hell should the siblings, and other ‘typical family members be the primary caretaker if when the parents pass on?! Why should they have to be the default caretakers? Why should their lives be succumbed by the other family member with a disability?  What about neighbors, family friends, hell even friends to the person with a disability?

Why should the siblings (if they even have one?) put their live on halt to take care of someone severely autistic or other disabilities?

It’s not fair for ether party.

“Family support” is basically an old brand in New Hampshire that was once known for taking down state institutions but is living a dated quality, now just got all political and bashing political parties instead of fixing issues from geriatric Baby Boomers who’s offspring generation has no plans on coming in and helping, unless they want a nice photo op to help them advance their careers in managing “developmentally disabled” people, two or more degrees from that individual.

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The Hopeless Autistic: The Beginning of the Collapse to the Developmentally Delayed System

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I am in the process of porting some of my work at The Hopeless Autistic to this page in a form of consolidating as my advocacy has been for the most part finished since 2016. Over the last year, there was still new developments as one story of one New Hampshirite on the ASD spectrum. Some of the more coherent posts will be ported over later this summer. 

I am not a Steve Jobs.

I didn’t just happen to make a radical prediction that in four years after creating this page that the developmental disability system would ultimately collapse in 2020.

This past week, the State is still dealing with budgeting issues as 2020 in the Fiscal Year sense began on the 1st. It actually made news. In fairness, to put a disclaimer, the area agency featured in this WMUR-TV package is my area agency.

I am not in a position to criticize the area agency directly, as if I do, it would raise red flags as someone who has a big grudge and may be threat to people. Having social defects along with strong views against the contrary can be punishing.

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Thoughts on “Check the Box” Liberals/Moonbats/Democratic Party

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So I don’t come off as a “bleedin heaht liberal”, here is my views against the NH Democratic Party, and the national DNC as a whole.

In the fairness of not being titled politically, I thought a followup post should be in order to focus on the New Hampshire Democrats and their rigidities. Despite living a county north of Middlesex County, home to Cambridge, Massachusetts and the universities that plague that region; we are going to just stay local.

I’ve perceived the Democratic culture to be at fault too. No one will ever own up to this. Almost every person I know whose active in the advocacy leans far to the left, and will often recite whatever the “leader” tells them and repeat whatever that “leader” tells them.

The right is easier to criticize because their actions are easier to explain. The left lives on theories, and styles, and they are not as explicit, and in order to understand them you have to get into an overkill of their style to fully get them. (Or not!) The Democrats, liberals, Moonbats have even a more scattered trail mix of ideas, and it’s your job to clean it up!

I have not been in encounter with any of my neurological peers who have an opinion or a challenging view. They repeat their views that seems to be centralcasted over and over and many times over.

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