Merry Christmas! sarcasm

Posted on December 6, 2012 by Clickford, Steven M.

Earlier this afternoon, my day went to hell.
It started this morning, when the mother noticed something on the table. Apparently I am a messy person, or I should admit I am a messy person. Sometimes I don’t clean off the table like I should. In anyway, I felt offended.
My mother was away for today and she came home, and I was still moody because I am tired of being criticized for sustaining a messy dining table, even when I am TRYING to do better, something of which I never get any praise for.
I got impatient after being criticized, and I threw a cardboard file box across the living room floor. I also threw a few uncontrollable f-bombs, but I was really getting offended by being criticized again and again.
At the same time, we were attempting to set up the Christmas Tree. If it weren’t for my mother’s statements this morning, we wouldn’t gotten into a swearing match, dropping things and having to restrain my mother from not throwing the Christmas Tree outside and making a scene in the neighborhood.
I admit, I’ve learned bad anger management skills from my mother.
We made an agreement when we moved over to the new house, we wouldn’t be in such high stress level compared to living at my grandmothers, she’ll be moving in the coming months, and she gets scared by our high strung arguments.
I think the problem is a relationship is broken and it is beyond repair -and it has been that way for a long time. This story doesn’t end yet
Meanwhile as this hell erupted, I have a meeting next week for planning next years services. My mother wants to kick me out and live on housing. Something I do not want to do. I don’t want to live in cheapass housing, and having the fear of the apartment burning down because some retard did something he wasn’t supposed to do. I live in Greater Boston, and you need to make at least $30,000 to live in some decent apartment. My mother has on and off this idea of moving out. For a long time she wanted out, but that was before she bought a house.
I had said on a number of occasions that I wished I was never born, and earlier on today that I wanted to put a noose over my neck. Those two statements I still defend. I have no idea how the world would be if I didn’t exist. I think about that alot. I don’t see the importance of my existence sometimes. My mother threatened me if I made another statement, she would put me to the psycho ward. And where I live, police officers bring people to the psych ward, since in my state it is illegal to kill yourself, and I guess if I attempt to do that, I violate state law. Well I’m surprised there hasn’t been a New Hampshire law prohibiting autistics to exist in this state – at least not yet. If society had it their way, they would make it illegal to have autism.
My mother has made mistakes in my upbringing. I’ve not said that explicitly here; nor do I choose blame her for her mistakes. I know I’ve made mistakes too. Though in the last few months I’ve heard various “statements” that shes said about my upbringing that was very hurtful to me. I can’t think of examples, and I will not disclose this on this blog. Such statements, I wouldn’t even thought of.
Our relationship has been endanger for quite a while now. The last time housing brought up was in August, during a very stressful time. Christmas is depressing and the regular stress has just increased. I’ve lost faith of higher power, since those same higher power have terrorized my area on a number of occasions the last few years. I strongly believe in the devil.
If you are ignorant about ASD or autism, if you read the beginning, you may think I am a jerk, well what really bothers me is why are the real jerks not getting punished? Some of these self-absorbed morons are my family! Such actions have occurred during this time of year. My existence to date, I’ve seen my family fall apart, and some believe that family is more important than friends, but I don’t like how small my family is now.
Another thing that very few people know about is my father, someone who I don’t even know! I’ve heard bits and pieces since I was 15. It was then I found out I was missing something else. My classmates in middle school were the inappropriate group that had brought this attention to me. And as time has gone on, I am feeling more and more that I should had a father, well what did my mother know when she had me at 16? Apparently my mother was under the impression her first love would be the one that lasted forever, and such young ignorance turned out to be quite different. My mother has said he was “verbally abusive” and explained details about that description.
I don’t know if I am better off without him or not. What I do know is my life is ending. There is no hope going forward. The amount of stupid people has made my future looking bleaker. I am planning going into 2013 (if I’m not lucky to die before then) to work, and be a fucking slave, and working my ass off (at least 20 hours a week) and get a paycheck and hopefully it won’t screw up my benefits because my services require a form of Medicaid for them to provide services and live on my own, since my mother has said we might have a better relationship not being closely together. Of course, the pursuit of romance will have to be crossed off depending on the housing, I can’t have her come over. Let alone how there are so many Valley Girls in my area, they are very narrow minded people, they only want a man with money and that can drive. I can’t drive because there so many self-absorbed Boston drivers on the local highways!
I don’t belong here. I shouldn’t be posting this story at all. Given how my mother has admitted at failure of being a better mother, there really is no need for this blog huh? I’m hoping I can exit out with grace from all the alleged mistakes I and my old and current support team and my mother has made.
And they say that autism isn’t caused by lack of empathy from the mother, or a mothers parenting style? That’s a lie, they don’t want to offend the mother. Apparently my mother has made so many mistakes, that lead for me to explain this.
I do know one thing for sure, I don’t care about love anymore. I understand that love should be a dirty word. Its a bad word. Hate is the new love in my opinion. Love has no meaning anymore generically and to my own personal situation. If I don’t understand my own relationship with my mother, and if I can’t grasp that, then how in the hell can I have any relationships?
Hence my title.

Biting ones tounge

Posted on November 30, 2012 by Clickford, Steven M.

Silence is golden. As painful as that sounds, I am doing the people in my life a favor.

I “bite” my tongue because
I don’t want to offend anyone;
I don’t want to set someone off;
I don’t want to ruffle one’s feathers;
I don’t want to come off as crude, rude, hateful or bitter;
I don’t want to create any unneeded hostility
That I don’t want to be one of those crazy minded, “delusional” types

I have “bitten” my tongue for a long time, allowing the pain to go down my body.
This effect has caused my tongue to become “infected” – therefore I can’t
“speak”.
Unfortunately it is best for me to stay quiet – even if it hurts the close people in my life.
I can talk, and I should have the right to speak my mind; but in order to “be nice” its best I just stay quiet, because when I start talking, I set my self up for trouble.
There are so many things on my mind, but the people I talk to are probably not willing to hear me repeat my issues over and over, and the significant troubles of my relationships and the inability to fix them because beyond repairable.
I am doing the people in my life a favor by just zipping it.

I didn’t ask to be a hermit…it just happend that way

Posted on November 28, 2012 by Clickford, Steven M.

Before my 21st birthday, the last day of grade school for me; I had considered that maybe I didn’t need to work and just live at home all day and all night, and not have any social interaction.
That didn’t go so well!!!
After getting some opposition to such plan, I didn’t do the work thing, because maybe having a social life could be a potential. (As you already know, I’ve had struggles in my life in that department.)
Now as 2013 comes along, I’ve decided the only goal in the next year is to finally find a job and just work. This world is pretty fucked up; and people do judge people by their job, their line of work, or hell even the company they work for. By not having any of that social status, I am a piece of a turd, and I am a non-existent person in society. (That latter statement could be me just being delusional.)
Notice that I didn’t state anything about a social life. This is how I am going to tackle this with my support team:

Society is ignorant
Society is not open minded
Society is narrow-minded
There are a lot of judgmental people, and when I mean judgmental, it’s a negative type
People are used to sensational media driving crime, typically against men (such as WMUR-TV Manchester comes to my mind and other media that synthesizes such crimes and blows the stories out of proportion. Media agencies claim they are educating and informing the public with is bullshit if you asked me.)
Statistically, women are victims of abuse. Same applies to people with disabilities, though that would offend the women’s groups. Women want to be treated with respect, but yet they will cry foul if they dress provocatively and seeking that attention to later deflect.

The following concerns base on my personal experience dealing with autism

Whether or not its seriously an issue with the ASD; there is a strong emphasis on “social skills”. Alleged “normal” people have never been taught formal skills; and these special ed institutions* have drilled black-and-white logic into our brains to socialize. However outside of the institutions; people can look down on their phones, people can cut one and another off; that etiquette can fly out of the window; and most social relationships appear to be one-way. The “normal” or the psycho-babble’s “nerotypical”, “typical” or NT never gets shunned for their anti-social behavior.
Some people do think Autism is a disease. They are just plain creeped out of my group
Society has defined that autistic people are mute and dumb. Some people think they fun to be with in a professional relationship, but allegedly they have a fuck you approach off the clock. So much for being nice with them when you are getting your pay check!
I’ve asked a question online hypothetically if they would be willing to date someone with autism, and there was limited hopes.
There aren’t enough fish in the sea in my case. Except for my fancy goldfish I have had for almost 5 years.

*when you are in a 9 hour school program (depending on the ride times on the school bus) – miles away from your hometown that really isn’t “home” I’d highly bet you would feel you were put into a state institution.
I got a comment on the Facebook Page companion of this blog from a “Sandy Gallagher” (whom of which found my other blog’s facebook page) that I was being too bitter, and giving me advice that was out of line. (That comment was since deleted, because it didn’t meet the standards for responses.) This user must have had perceived me as someone living in my mothers basement 24×7. Well given this record 10 months of summer she’s probably right! This user appeared to be a motherly type, and going back to the subject in hand, doesn’t know the full story, and she probably didn’t read the stories beyond the Facebook hotlinks. And this is how the real world thinks too. People are very quick to judge people, and this kind of psyche is something I am strongly aware of.
I’ve mentioned the reality, so heres the deal:

Get a fucking job! Give me some financial independence (allegedly) and allegedly girls find it sexually arousing when someone works and makes money. That’s from what I heard. Also my day services were originally used for fixed contract of a work program; I will request the budget to focus on the work program and the other services can be reassigned or be cut out entirely.
Kiss my social hopes goodbye. I am well aware I am an oddball, and in order to have a “healthy relationship”, I need to find people with similar interests. Well most females aren’t geeky, and they have created a sexism of tech isn’t for girls. (fuck those feminists twerps!) So with that said, I am not going to waste my precious time finding someone that is likeminded.
Save my energy and wallet! I will not waste time or energy of trying to get someone to like/accept/appreciate me. Remember how I would piss money down the drain just to get the girl to show my presence? The lack of warm relationships with a vast majortiy of people I know, have caused me to exit the narrow-minded/self-centered group aka people with Pervasive Developmental Disorders to go into the wild of strangers and trying to get a lady to like me and not know I am that messed up! For the last five years its failed! Insanity is defined of repeating the same mistake and expecting a different outcome – well I will break it!

I’ve chosen for my application of life, going to a less social environment will help me. And its attributed to the ignorance and lack of affection in society. I can’t say how really severe my autism is, but it has tainted my view of “relationships” and maybe it was poor upbringings, my mother’s lack of love coming from her family and other things I can’t discuss publicly or elaborate.
I am really saddened that people with a wheelchairs are accepted; people with that damned Down’s Syndrome are somewhat accepted, illegal aliens, Indians, Blacks, Asians are accepted in the Millennial generation, but forbids anyone with the former disabilities, or autistic disorders, whether they are severe, or extremely mild like the unrelated Asperger Syndrome. It makes no sense.
I think inter-relational between normal people and PDD individuals will take at least 50 years the earliest. If my prediction is clear (which some of my predictions ring true); I’ll be 75 years old. And I sadly believe this is true.
I am already preparing the worst, and just trying to turn off that switch is the only thing that will be best for society.
Yes, its fucked up. Yes, its a shame. Yes, this is perverted – but it is what it is. I have to accept that being anti-social is the best option for me in the near to long term future. There are types and specific people that I can attribute this to, but I’ll be the nice guy and stay quiet and zip it!

Thank God for Facebook

Posted on November 25, 2012 by Clickford, Steven M.

I really mean that in the title.
I can’t imagine what life was like if you suffered with social retardation and a world before social networking websites, or even the Web, or even those “online services” before those became ISPs ala AOL anyone?
I remember the simpler days in 1992 me being 5 years old living in my own little world. In 1992, Cable TV was at the height of their success, computers were still not in many homes, and the telephone was the primary medium to connect to people in long distances, and since AT&T was forced to break up, it was much easier to make long distance calls.
Again, I can’t imagine being socially retarded and being in his early twenties then. I would think there was more hopes back in 1992 than 2012 because there wasn’t sites like Facebook where you could easily look someone up to find many of the girls/guys one would like then to find your heart broken.
This post was something in the making, it was only a matter of time, and a person of interest to use as an example. This post will describe how using sites like Facebook to find some random person you had the hots for turns out to not be single. I’ve used this as a resource on a number of occasions.
In an earlier story back about a couple weeks ago, I went to a local FedEx/Kinkos/Whatever the name is of the day, and liked the gal that was helping me to do a large document project, that I felt was better done if I outsourced the project to them.
Well as you see in the full screen below, you’ll see the red circle of what I found out. This is an example of how Social Networking destroys one’s hopes that there is a special someone out there. And of course, shes about 5 years older than I am (from when she finished high school – I redacted all the identifiable info) and it just shows that there are less and less single people near my age bracket. (unless I go younger, which I do not support such thing.)

Social media just ruins the experience of a “crush” the only ability of a romantic feeling I have.

Living up to High Standards

Posted on November 16, 2012 by Clickford, Steven M.

Part of my “low self esteem” is partially because I am not up to par with my peers. I don’t want to be comparing myself to someone my own age, etc. but I am not. I have denied that for many years that I am not like my peers.
I’ve seen the alleged over-excessive content on Facebook, and even on the dating websites. I feel I can’t live up to them for them to accept me. This isn’t just a potential girlfriend, even a potential friend.
Here is my situation:

I come from a lower class family, that grew up in an upper class town
I have a high school diploma, and no experience with higher education
As I had traveled domestically in my teenage years (California, Texas, New York, D.C.) some of my likeminded groups have traveled the world. I have – actually seen the Mexico Border when I was in San Diego, and I have been near the Canadian border going on I-89 corridor when I was 6 or so.
I obviously didn’t come from a privileged family, many peers (at least in my geographical area) are
Given my autism, I am smart, but not in the same intellectual level as some of my peers, some would obviously think I am just odd in some of my interests
I live in an area where there are many people younger than I am and many people older than I am, so the middle twentysomething crowd is limited, because of the high COL or Cost of Living. Some of my peers would prefer to live in Nanny-towns like Boston, New York or even LaLa land or Florida, areas that also have the sex appeal of a highly stylized locale

So background aside, lets go to the smaller things

The art that I do I suppose is decent, but probably not museum material (and I am fine with that)
Some may say its not fully dimensional. Maybe not proportionate enough, or I use plain ol pencils and not the snootty strength
Sure I may know some tech things, but don’t expect me to program C++ or code in Pearl, or do CSS to design webpages. Yup I am dumb on that regard. Sure I may know some telecom stuff, but not ask me how to do a diagram on how TDM works vs analog, vs IP vs. video or so on.
I don’t like going out and doing much things for fun. I’d rather be at home, doing work on my machines or watch the Fox News Channel or watch some boring documentary on TV. I don’t like distractions that much, because it detracts the attention of the pressing issues. My DNA is programmed to be vigilant (always alert, always on.)

I’ve also mentioned other concerns before such as:

Having odd interests for straight males like fashion or art (yeah I feel gay for doing art)
the ability to be around laid-back types of people, because I am somewhat of a tight person, because I just can’t stop and have fun in a depressing time and place.

Lastly, if I wanted to go to college, or get a decent job and to get the friends and future girlfriend, they all seek someone who needs to be responsible, compliant and needing credentials (whether or not its necessary – chicks and clueless bosses want that “piece of paper”) in order to be accepted in a privileged world.
Then I have to be worried about being accepted with the other’s social circle, since after all its not about them, its about his groups of buddies too. I can’t have any types of relationships with anyone if the others would not accept me and backstab behind me. Oh, did I mention the “man-child” stereotype, where men just want to use gaming consoles all day long or other “childish” behaviors that doesn’t constitute as “childlike” since the latter is a chronic issue while the former is plain ol immaturity?
The holiday season is coming fast this time around, and I am dealing with personal issues on top of having the worst year I have ever had; and I don’t have backup support system, since some of them went away in the summertime, and my mother needs to care for my grandmother, and my other family members I choose to abstain; leaving a handful of other people to take load of my day to day life.
I am lost because I have not had that partner in crime figure in a long time. I am in a desperate need to find one, and just someone who I don’t feel like I am a bothersome to.
With all of that – my conclusion is I can’t compete against people that area actually better than I am, because I am not privileged, not smart enough, not experienced enough, and I am a childish individual.
I feel so proud living life…
*

Green Light Day – Sucessful Flirting!

Posted on November 9, 2012 by Clickford, Steven M.

Today my chick radar shown a lot of green on the screen!
All across the board, I got some female affection. I went out today, from the local mall, to the local hockey game and in between I got some girls attention!
I got thrown offguard by a couple ladies at one store who appeared to be showing interest. Often this one and a hundred occurrences causes me to get severely shy.
Part of it, was I had a sincere smile, enough to get the the girl to hopefully cave in and return the favor.
Regardless, lets file this little good news, and expect to see a repeating story in like 9 months, since this one and hundred cases have a long spread of time inbetween.

The stupid crushes that just goes vapor.

Posted on November 4, 2012 by Clickford, Steven M.

The other night, I went to the local Kinkos* Fedex Office store. I wanted to professionally print a document that is many pages, “statement” size and double sided to a specific format.

(“Statement” paper is a US “letter” sized paper cut in half in landscape side.)
There was a cute girl there. Again I like dealing with ladies with customer service. I have to admit that women do actually have the understanding and the attentive to detail where males don’t do pretty well in that regard. The girl seemed to work there for over half a decade according to her pin.

Not only that, but when she asked for my contact information to put into their relational database, I gave her my card – but she gave it back to me. It’s understandable, since that was the first time I had met her, and stuff.

She probably has a Facebook somewhere on the Internet and she might be “In a Relationship” or is “Married with […]”.

I never seem to have patience anymore. I am sick and tired of the “wait” and then things happen. That logic is now invalid. I’m 25, I was already delayed developmentally, and the last 4.5 years just makes me go back to a teenager, and no “women” wants to fuck around (fig.) with guy like me. Add my autism to the mix too, hate to say it but its true!
Add this lady to the endless counter of plain ol’ crushes.

I hope I don’t come off as crazy – because these stories are real even if they come off as potentially pretend.

*I have the habit of calling it Kinkos, I directed my mother there, and she didn’t see a “Kinko’s” which then I had to explain that they junked the name.

The Search for Romance

Posted on November 2, 2012 by Clickford, Steven M.

I’ve heard a billion* different stories of how someone met their love of their life. Ranging from online dating websites, to Facebook (don’t get me started), even old fashioned medium like the ol’ CB** or even meeting the love of their life at the local turnpike toll booth. Or even going to the same restaurant and starting a relationship with the waiter.
*it feels like a billion, whether or not I counted to a billion is another question.
** Citizens Band 2 way radio if you are product from the 1990s onwards and is generally clueless person about things before your time
I can tell you that all my stories about love is something you expect as a 6th grader, and oh boy when people inquire about me crushing on somebody, it often entails embarrassment, regret and other childlike feelings that you expect for a 11 year old.
The only semi sweet story was that “Jessica” lived up the street from me, and the childish love I would endure, only because she treated me like crap weeks after. But nothing ever happened, just plain ol heartbreaks or mixed messages or plain old shutdowns of one and other. I suppose that story is really just stale and depressing.
In anyway, in 2 months the goal is to find the Search for a Career In Turn for a Girl to Like and Respect me as a Mature Man since He Allegedly has Goals for Himself. What a title for that Search huh?

Take Your Pick – Who would you want to Date?

Posted on November 2, 2012 by Clickford, Steven M.

If you have ether followed this blog, or even my other blog, I have kept my likeness as minimal as possible. First, that people would figure out who I was and secondly, I wanted to keep a humble appearance by not showing a picture of me. (That was inspired by a large market all-news radio station, where some talents didn’t want to publicize themselves on the bios of their websites, since after all the mission of the former blog was to journalize the ASD issues.)
The following graphic shows the face of the blog for the first time.
So as you see the graphic below, which person would you most likely date? One that appears to be “normal” or someone that appears to be “normal” but when he starts talking, he comes off as a socially awkward (read: creepy) individual?
Does this theory really extend on this page? Is this why I can’t find my special someone?

Comments are strongly recommended for this story.

Love is a Distraction

Posted on November 1, 2012 by Clickford, Steven M.

Earlier today, I went with a friend of mine to the local candlepin alley to keep my skills in check. I haven’t done much bowling, and it happens from time to time. Before I started to get active again, I typically did 60 to 80 – not bad for seldom playing. I have done recently like north of 40 or so. I have to admit I am very aggressive, and that doesn’t help you getting pins down. Nor does it help when the alley is decaying, and never seem to clean the balls, the ground or even replace chipped balls. In anyway, I did well for my standards.

Up until I had a distraction when I started to check out a cutie a few lanes down from me. I tried to keep my eyes away of her (because an alleged b/f was with her – c’mon most cuties are with someone) but I lost my focus.

That loss of focus had me not take down any pins for two turns straight! A loss of 20 points! Bad.

But regardless, I tried to keep my attention away and just try to take pins down.

January 1st is exactly two months away, and I am already pricing in the ideal that love is just a joke and in this case tonight can be very distracting.

New Hampshire’s in Hell as a #HopelessAutistic

Combined written WordPress of 13 + years of writing on ASD and the Granite State. Do not visit, Do not Move here, GTFO as I wish the Granite State to be cursed with Shame!

Category Archives: A Puzzling View on Relationships (2011-2014)